Getting a haircut.
Not the process of getting a haircut, but everything surrounding the haircut. I was never a fan of barbershops & it's pretty hard finding a tolerable barbershop, especially around where I live. Everything is either too hip hop centric, or too rich boy expensive. As much as I would love to go to those classy as hell barbershops with the full service package, I don't have anywhere near that income to treat myself to that, let alone live near those places (North Hollywood). My criteria for a barbershop is it has to be welcoming (That's obvious), also the barbers have to know what they are doing. Then you get to the most important issue, price. Good god are haircuts nowadays becoming so expensive in these atypical south LA barbershops & of course it can't be like the good old days anymore where mom buys clippers, cuts your hair in the kitchen then afterwards gives you chocolate milk & everyone accepts it, despite looking like Simple Jack.
Everything is homogeneous today, especially hairstyles. Almost everyone I see has a specifically common hairstyle, they got that Drake beard where it's almost artificial. What annoys me more is when it looks spray painted on, spray painted beards look so shitty, so do these spray painted on eyebrows some of you ladies have. Maybe if people weren't such judgmental dickbags, maybe people wouldn't have to spray paint baldspots, beards & hairlines. Then again I've been to public places wearing wrinkled shirts & had gross oily hair. I could give two shits less about how I look or how anybody perceives me. Still, I don't want my picture taken without my fucking consent, but like I said that's another topic in another installment. I don't know any names or specific cuts or what (Everybody my age in my neighborhood looks like DJ Khaled. Sadly they don't have the keys to success), the lack of knowledge of barber lingo is why I have a hard time going to barber shops, then add in a slight language barrier (I'm retarded in Spanish) & what we got here is one wrong word short of having a bad hair day. I've only had one bad hair day (As of yet) & it was in High School. Of all the times I had to have a bad hair day it had to be in high school, heaven forbid it happened when I had that hiatus. I had that Sigourney Weaver in 'Alien 3' hair for a while in junior year of high school.
Despite my lack of knowledge of barber lingo, my older sister is a hairstylist, but I don't intend to go anywhere near her place as to keep her high clientele from knowing she has a genetically inferior brother. Then you got these menus & the people in them that look like teenagers their older parents dragged to a Shoji Tabuchi concert.
Don't know who Shoji Tabuchi is?
It's YouTube time.
Then each picture of the haircut is from an angle, what am I supposed to be looking at? His back, his sides? His top? What? I just don't understand the menus, then when do you try to explain how you want your hair cut it becomes a matter of if they understood your instructions or not. Then you have to go by the number & for some reason they have several of these menus so you have to specify what number from what menu &....AAAAGGHHHH!!!!!!
So I get my haircut, then the barber (Female or male, doesn't matter) puts in hair wax by the end of it. I'm not a hair gel, hair wax, hairspray person. I haven't put on any of that stuff in my hair (Since early grade school) because at a certain point the hair gel gets too sticky & becomes harder than a dick. It feels unnatural & depending on how my mom did it when I was 6 or 7, that hair style (comb the hair all the way back) along with the brown khakis I wore it made it look like I pooped my pants. Weird vision I got, but that's how it looks in my view! Things look like they pooped their pants. As soon as I come home I take all of that gel & wax off. Heaven forbid I have to pick something up on the way home, that's not good. I can't stand any of that product, but either way I still get those barbers who insist on putting it on my hair. I respect those who ask me. Also the hair wax is very deceptive, because when I wash it off & dry my head my hair is all kinds of fucked up by the way it was cut, combed & molded. Just today I spent an hour trimming off excess bits of hair because on one side it looked normal, on the other side the excess made me look like a guitarist of a shitty early 2000's Nu-metal band. So I was cutting, snipping & trying to mold my hair in a way that doesn't look like shit. Good god, that shouldn't happen. The worst part is trying to deal with the small excess hairs that snuck into your shirt collar & start poking around your neck. I hate that shit as well. No matter how tight the barber wraps the tissue on your neck, the short bits of hair still end up finding a way into your collar & it's irritating. That's not the barber's fault, it's more of a glitch in the matrix.
Now let's talk about the barbers, now there are good barbers & hair stylists out there. Seems like I'm always paired up with the bad ones, not just with barbers but everything in my life. You know which ones I'm talking about, the ones that stop everything just to talk to someone on the phone. I know most of you think it's a woman thing. Nuh uh, men do the same shit as well, except they use different words.
"Tell me about it, gurrrl!"
"Hey what's good, homeboy!"
Same shit, different wording.
It's worse if you're getting your hair cut near those tall display windows, the barber starts working on the sides, then in a spot of inconvenient timing they get a phone call & your hair looks like something out of a Dr.Seuss pipe dream where the top looks like a huge penis head. Then pedestrians walk by the window display & look in as if you were some performance art! Thank god this only happened to me when nobody was going around taking video/pictures for their own narcissistic/sociopathic page views. Nobody should have to face that, nobody. What's worse is having this barber come up close to you & it's clear this guy or woman did not brush his teeth or popped a mint beforehand. If you taste something funny in your mouth, then it means you needed a breath mint yesterday! Nobody likes smelling bad breath, let alone having bad breath. If you're going to be up close in people's personal space cutting hair, then get a breath mint or chew some gum. On the contrary you also have people (Mainly these fuck boy looking types) who make my eyes sting & tear up because they smell as if they just bathed in Axe body spray. I know some people are self conscious of how they smell, especially in the summertime, but how about just three sprays & leave it at that? These fuckers think that bathing in cologne means nobody will notice. Remember that scene in 'Anchorman' where the (I think it was Paul Rudd?) puts on that sex panther cologne & everyone just looses their mind by the smell. That's how it should be, but I think people are too lenient or too polite to tell them that their smell is too dank. Also, Anchorman is a film I enjoy more censored than I do uncensored. I might talk about that on an upcomming 'Blogababble'. Like I said, it's always the same type of people, the fuckboy with the heavy hair wax, the crotch busting jeans & they look desperate for a girlfriend. There's one where I work & he's a fucking snitch & I hope somebody gives him a black eye from a woman. To all of you guys, stop bathing in cologne, two squirts, no more no less!
I used to get a buzzcut back when I was a kid & I tell you I was ready for a change when I hit 14. In that transition period from Middle School to High School, buzzcuts were passe & I was coming into my punk rock/techno pop/ Cold/Minimal Wave/ industrial/ cyberpunk phase & the buzzcut fit none of those styles I was becoming enamored with. The reason why I had one was because my dad was the one who was telling the barber how to cut my hair. Imagine, a tub of lard such as moi in 2003 with a buzzcut fade. Don't touch the fade, bro! So at age 14 I pretty much told the barber I was ready to get something new & what I got is something I can't really label, only that it's my haircut. The sides are short, the top is a little trimmed & I like to comb it to the side. Then it gets big enough I kinda get that shaggy Morpheus hair.
Goddamn it, I keep on deviating! Not even 'YNWDMUTFW' is safe from my mindless deviations.
So there are only two other barber shops in my area, one of them is a salon full of chatty ladies. My mom used to get her hair done there & even she told me those ladies were a bunch of gossiping hens. This coming from the mom who would stand by the door, listen to the neighbors & tell her friends & sisters about it via a telephone call. It was right near a Mexican food restaurant (Which is no longer there anymore) & a laundromat (Which is still there, but what's the point of hanging out there. They removed all their arcade games). Now there's a black barber shop & guess what all you racists? Crime has hit an all time low since that barbershop opened up! So take that to the cleaners & smoke it! Society:1, Racists: 0. Let's keep this shit up!
Hair may not look useful, but it actually is. It defines us as who we are & gives everyone a basic clue as to the type of personalities we hold or the type of people we are. Whether it be long hair, short hair, trimmed hair, braided hair or even being bald. Hair is part of our character, regardless of how much or how little we have. I can understand the male ponytail, but a man-bun is fucking stupid!
'This shit drives me up the fucking rainbow.'
That there! Now if any random lady said this to me, I'd shrug that off. If some dude said that to me, I would think that's weird. I don't find meaning behind that, but a specific type of woman can call me babe & just brighten up my shit day. What term shall I call these beautiful ladies? Plus size, but for some reason that word has now become stigmatized now. Should I just say fat? Nah, that's just mean for the type of brutal praise these ladies deserve. ....I know, I'll use a Spanish term that hasn't been demonized or appropriated (At lest I hope it doesn't become appropriated after this). A Gordibuena! When a gordibuena (Regardless of what race she is. Don't think it's only just big lovable Mexican ladies here) calls me babe or Sweetheart or sweety, it's like an orgasm to my heart. Sometimes when there's nobody around & these cashiers or store workers say this, I tend to reply "Yes, there's something you can help me with. May I give you a hug you big lovable gal." Most of the time they say no.
When uber-pretty skinny gals say 'babe', I'm sorry. I tend to hear that as "I need something from you & you look like a fucking looser. Better not try to get a hard-on in front of me because you men will get boners out of anything." OK, not all skinny gals, I'm just talking the shallow, narcissist ones that always say "My spiritual animal is pizza" on their Tinders.
.........Don't ask.
The skinny gals who are close to enticing that same euphoric reaction are the artsy, hippie girls with positive vibes & uber confidence in them. You know what, at the end of the day it's positive vibes that drive me up the fucking rainbow. Some people just bring out the positivity in anyone with their cheery bubbly mood & some just bring out the hate in everyone & those are the people I will bitch about on this series. Not now, let's stick to gordibuenas & just all around positive people. Positive people are just capable of making anyone smile & feel great about themselves. They're the new breed empaths who can sense pain & just cheer people up by saying a word or ...oh my god imagine being in a relationship with a positive as fuck person?
"Hey Jebus, you look sad. Guess what I made? I made you lasagna for lunch & let's watch the sunset while I sing happy songs!"
I'm blushing, no lie, straight up blushing thinking about that real life heaven. But here's a wrong way some people go about brightening up someone. I may have talked about this on Blogbabble or not, when people say "Why don't you smile?" or "Smile, you look better that way." That's some bullshit right there! To all the women out there who get faced with that phrase over & over again, I feel your frustration & let it be known you ladies aren't the only ones who get asked to smile. I've been to many family (Ahah!) functions where I was asked to smile. Now these weren't fun functions with something to occupy myself with. Everyone there was just sitting, talking & here I am with nobody to interact with, thinking about the BS I was dealing with. Everyone's either too old or too young & these were all 'family' who I knew nothing about until now. Mexican families, when you think that's all of them, but wait, there's more!! Then I'm told to cheer up. Easy for you to say! You're not the one dealing with BS & then having to get out of my home just to share the same room with them just so you judgmental bastards can quit believing in speculations! So don't come to me asking to smile, just because you feel entitled to make people feel certain feelings. There's a difference between people who make you smile & people who ask you to smile, a very huge difference! I like to be the one who brings out natural reactions rather than telling folks to smile, laugh, get angry or be afraid. Though I wish I could tell specific people to be afraid & angry at some stuff that's happening right now. Anyways, so at the end of the day positive people have the power to just be great people & brighten people up, but personally gordibuenas are my kryptonite when it comes to cheering up my cynical ass. Also it feels good to treat others good, like transferring all natural anti-depressants through osmosis. So to all you lovable gals (Big or small) who make people happy by your bubbly personality & positivity, work that craft, girl! Own it, love it, spread it! Positivity all through the bitch!
I'm sure by now I'm going to get a billion hate messages from plus size advocacy groups. Because complements=negativity for some reason in this day in age.
Errbody's offended 'n' shit!
Thus ends this installment of 'This Shit Drives Me Up The Fucking Wall' & the very first 'This shit drives me up the fucking Rainbow'.
I will try to include at least a 'This Shit Drives Me Up The Fucking Rainbow' segment on each entry because it can't all be just hate. I want people to come out of reading my stuff feeling happy, which is why I write this, Blogababble & even 'News of the World' in the format of saving the best for last. That's always a good way to format the ramblings of a madman.
Stay tuned for more. Try not to drown yourself in perfume & toss a breath mint in your mouth after eating ass.
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