Notice: I’ll be tackling shit that has happened a month or some weeks ago. I know it’s all no longer relevant (except for some), but hey, we’re not a news source. Just a guy angry than a German Russian in Summer talking smack to the right people.
Let’s start with the most recent stories (Hueh).
I COULDN’T THINK OF A HEADLINE FOR THIS STORY, SO BEAR WITH IT.
So there have been countless times I’ve made fun of Florida, especially because most of the stories that came from there were about tweekers doing stupid shit, state government voting in stupid shit & average people doing stupid shit. This isn’t one of those & we can all agree (Well, most of us) that nothing good came out of the events that transpired over the weekend.
So as you know, an extremist douche bag shot up a night club, all in the name of some man made lie that has passed as truthful mythology. Most of the people shot were identified as homosexual, but the thing that still confuses me is: was this a gay nightclub or was this a night club that happened to have a majority of homosexuals in attendance? It’s a stupid question, doesn’t add or take away from this tragedy, but I’m really interested to know. Most of the articles I read didn’t touch on that.
What’s there to say about this other than these people didn’t deserve to die. I know, it’s been said may a time, that’s why I didn’t really comment on it on social media.
Before I go on with my opinion on the aftermath of this (The meat of this article), I have to call out these fucking assholes online that are trying to play the “MY ISSUE IS GRANDER THAN YOUR ISSUE” attention seeking bullshit. This isn’t the first time shit like this has happened, especially in this day in age when people think their opinions are going to change the world. Yes, there have been mass shootings & tragedies that have been way worse than this, but here’s my question: are you so hungry for social media attention that you’re willing to hide behind the façade of a tragedy just to make your ego feel important? If so, then you fully deserve to get hit in the face with a steel mace, then shove your pinky toes into your nose. “Boo hoo, no one’s talking about my new ‘Bazinga’ T-Shirt, better use this tragedy to earn me some status likes by saying something completely stupid.” So to all of you overly offended asshats, maybe people aren’t talking about this on their bookface profiles because we all agree in unison that this is a tragedy. At least we’re not these fucktard bible belts that are talking about how this is the greatest event in history.
Isn’t it funny how these redneck, fucktard, whitebread conservatives are saying this is some punishment from god, yet these are the same people that are also Islamaphobes. Anyone besides me see the irony in this? Hah, they don’t know what to think. I was waiting for everything about the aftermath to settle in after tragedies strike, we all see who’s the kind heart & who’s the fucking asshole.
Though I’m not saying this is the worst mass shooting in American history (Statistically speaking), I will say this is one where public opinion will include elements of gun control & loud asshole minorties providing the Homophobia & Islamophobia. Then again, that fucker’s actions should have been labeled as ‘Domestic Terrorism’. He’s American, but not white american, so of course this is just plain Terrorism told by the generic pretty people hosting their local & nation wide news programs those fucking shit eaters.
This has become too much, especially since recently we had a (kinda, sorta, only two people got shot) mass shooting at UCLA here in California. The media only reported on that for two days, but the whole thing seemed to have blown over very quickly. It’s odd, especially since this year we had a major mass shooting with the Islamic extremist couple.
So overall, we the people are fucking fed up with this, the cycle has begun yet again. I’m already sick of the “We need to have another public discussion on gun control.” TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK!!!!! WE THE PEOPLE ARE FED UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT THAT LIBERALS MASTURBATE TO & THE FAR RIGHT LAUGHS AT!!!!! This time we don’t need yet another forum, we need change. But of course we still have that loud minority of asshats that have been around too long, the “DEY GUNNA TEK ERRR GUNZZZZ!!!” people. Like I always said, if you collect them for historical purposes (Like collecting WWII rifles & such), fine, but if you’re a collector then you don’t need ammo for those guns. You don’t need an assault rifle for deer hunting!! You don’t need a fucking chaingun for duck hunting!!! Fuck the lobbyists, they keep making shit like this happen & if it keeps happening the cycle just continues refreshing itself.
This shit pisses me off. Then you get the ‘Well this wouldn’t of happened if someone had a tiny penis & carried a shotgun around because compensation for his shortcummings. FUCK YOU THEM & FUCK YOU TOO! I’m tied of this shit, I’m tired of the Islamophobia, I’m tied of these pro-gun people & I’m tied of the liberals who do nothng but talk & talk about the issue rather than do something about it & I’m tied of the shootings.
MAGILLA GORILLA GOT SHIZOT IN THE TIZOT.
I know, I know, the gorilla wasn’t named ‘Magilla Gorilla’, it should have though. I’ll give you 50 internets if you email me what I was referencing. All you 2000’s/ 90’s kids will get it.
So in Cincinnati (home of fat Caucasian guys with thick glasses & baseball caps quoting ‘Seinfeld’) some dumbass kid decided to climb over a short fence built by the dumbass Cincinnati zoo & fell into the gorilla’s turf. What did the Magilla Gorilla do? He grabbed the boy’s ass & started dragging him around, thus leading to the zoo’s decision to shoot him down, 50cent style (No racial implications here, seriously). The aftermath of this was pretty damn ridiculous if you tell me. Now I’m all for animal rights, no animal should be harmed for the sake of one’s fucked up sense of entertainment (Unless it’s a snake, sometimes scorpions), but why am I just finding out about this gorilla’s name. His real name is ‘Hambrae‘ the gorilla, not Magilla Gorilla, sadly. But what did this gorilla do to have such a following. Did he cure aids? Did he play a guitar solo for ‘Bathory’? Why is he damn popular?
It’s a real damn shame that it was a silverback & an even bigger shame finding out that silverbacks are close to extinction. Even bigger than the bigger shame, the Cincinnati zoo took him from his habitat, all just so stupid people can point & laugh at the gorilla. Then again, I too would point & laugh because monkies are funny looking!
So, this tragedy has put people into two camps: the ‘That gorilla was a hero & he didn’t deserve to die. Who cares if that kid was in danger, that family could have made another son.’ and then you have the “Bahahahah!! Monkey death is funny. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to set fire to a pregnant kitty cat.” camp. While it is sad that a gorilla had to be shot, people ignored the fact that we don’t know shit about gorillas. We think we do after watching an episode of ‘NOVA’, but we don’t. The zoologists said that if they shot the gorilla with tranquilizers (any dose), then Hambrae would (no pun intended) go ape shit & tore the kid‘s buttcheeks apart & all you social media keyboard warriors would still be crying & bitching at the zoo‘s decision. Even Jack Hannah said that he would have done the same thing if he had the choice & this is a guy who’s been dealing with animals before we were all born! So shut the fuck up if you’re all “I read an issue of ‘ZOO BOOKS’ & I have to say that gorilla shouldn’t of been shot.”
Then let’s talk about the parents, I’m not a parent but I can tell all of you responsible parents would been keeping an eye on your kids, even if they are within arm’s reach. The parents of the 3 year old were at a zoo, I think it’s common sense to keep that 3 year old within sight. I can tell this is what will lead millions & millions of first time parents to strap their kids on one of those monkey leashes. HOW DEGRADING. But in an issue like this, you can almost expect everyone to blame the parent, especially in this mob mentality approach people take on social media. I don’t know what happened, I wasn’t there & as much as I would love to pin the blame on the mom & dad & make jokes about how the mom was remembering that ‘sexy tubby Kevin James in that Zookeeper movie’, but like I said, I wasn’t there. So the parents’ kid is safe & they got a settlement, but they rejected it & thought the money should go to the zoo. So in the long run the parents weren’t assholes about it, unlike that one mom who killed a mother wolf in a Wisconsin zoo because her kid was a douche to the wolves. Yeah, that happened, yet the internet didn’t care to make that into a firestorm. Also, it was a mother wolf & now her baby wolves are probably dead because rather than to test the kid on whether he has rabies, the mom decided to have the zookeepers kill the wolf so they can perform a autopsy to see whether it had rabies. Fucking fatass meth head moms, I swear to fucking god I would love a people zoo full of society‘s scum where we can point, laugh & kill them in their cages. NIHILISM FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!!
So at the end of the day, this isn’t the fault of the Zoo, nor was it the fault of the parents (As much as we want it to be). This was basically a series of events that lead to a conclusion that would have ended up with someone & everyone on social media crying & bickering.
An article I highly recommend the Vox article on it since it‘s the only article that actually tells both sides of the parents & the zoo. It was a hefty read, but it pretty much talks about how all of this went down & both the pros & cons of the outrage of it all.
PS: As I write this, I’m hearing that an alligator ate a kid. Errbody on social media is pretty silent, except for the meme pages. Nice to know everyone felt sympathy for the kid & his parents…..bitches.
Alright, enough depressing animal news here, so let’s get into something I’ve been meaning to do ever since I’ve began doing ‘News of the World’. Entertainment news that somehow is socially relevant because people made it socially relevant.
WHO YOU GONNA CALL? BALLBUSTERS!!!!
Alright, before I start getting lectured by people with their hair colored like the pastels of an early 90’s daycare center, I’ll say this here & now. Even if it was called or wasn’t called ‘Ghostbusters’, even if it was a sequel, remake, reboot, whatever. Even if it was anything & everything, I still won’t see this because it’s a modern comedy & modern comedies SUCK. The last ‘recent’ Hollywood movie I genuinely laughed at was ‘Role Models’, and that was an Appatow production . Hollywood hasn’t made a funny live action film in such a long ass time & most comedies that hit big in the last decade & a half don’t hold up anymore. ‘The Hangover’ pisses me off now that I’m older & I was on that “This is the evolution of comedy!” kick for a while until I watched the sequels & those sequels skewered my opinion of the first one. Let’s be real here, there are no jokes in Hollywood comedies, only grossout humor (Which I can take or leave, depends.) and what Brad Jones aptly titled “Line’O Ramma” which is basically different takes & lines of humor done on the same scene which doesn’t make it funnier & should have been put on a special features segment on the DVD release!! I know, there will be movies that I enjoy that will include such tropes as the “Make the scene longer & it equals comedy” thing that has mostly been popular with crap shows such as ‘Family Guy’ (The recent season sucks). Making that clear, I just have no interest in most mainstream comedies. Don’t get me wrong, there are the few I am highly interested in like that recent buddy cop comedy movie that takes place in the 70’s. I forgot the name, but it actually has real humor instead of this “We can‘t write intelligent jokes so we’ll just write in some contradictory humor & play it safe.” bullshit that is one of the many reasons why I don’t watch the new episodes of ‘Arthur’. Then you got the new crop of Disney movies that I will give a chance to, especially ‘Zootopia’. THE BUNNY IS ACOP!
I’m stalling here, so the new ‘Ghostbusters’ film, everyone saw the trailer & almost everyone shat a brick over it. Now I’ve seen the original & thought it was funny, but unlike everyone, I didn’t grow up with ‘Ghostbusters’. Now the sequel that everyone seems to feel differently about, I did grow up with & I enjoyed that film more because I watched it a lot as a kid. The first one, I didn’t see that one until I was a young teenager. It’s not a terrible film, I laughed a lot but I don’t have as fond of memories of it because I didn’t see it as a kid. I can understand the hate, but the original will still be there. When it comes to remakes, it’s not like the film studios are sending out goons (A la: The Gestapo) & seizing copies of the original films they plan on remaking & destroying them. Unless Warner Bros is remaking ‘Natural Born Killers’ to make it digestible for the teen romance audience & rating it ‘PG-13’ & coming to my house to grab my DVD copy, we shouldn’t worry because they aren’t doing it. Sure, the teens of today won’t care for the original (Unless they’re cool kids like us) & scoff at films made before 2006, but we can still instill a love for great cinema, regardless of release date. With that said, this new Ghostbusters film, in my opinion, contains the same tropes & bullshit all modern day comedies made in the last 10 years have boasted on their trailers. I’m not out there with a pitchfork & machete asking for Paul Fieg’s head (I found out he directed episodes of ‘Freaks & Geeks’, a show I adore), but I agree Fieg is acting like a baby because people don‘t like his film. Get used to it Mr.film making man, people aren‘t going to like you or what you do, that‘s life. Then again, I don’t have such a thin shell over my childhood memories to call this a raping of my childhood. The trailer I saw was typical, played safely, humor full of Melissa McCarthy using her fatness as a punch line & that whole “Let’s play hard hitting Skrillex sounding techno music or Gangsta rap over footage of white collar people walking in slow motion.” Funny? The only movie that did that perfectly was ‘Office Space’: another film I adore.
We can’t end this article without talking about the SJWs that board on the defense wagon for this film without seeing it or noticing that the humor is clichéd from the trailer. Noted, there are trailers that poorly market otherwise good films, but I have no hope for Hollywood to assume all movies are gonna suck, but that‘s just me. All they see is “People don’t like this film because it has women playing the cast!” It’s gotten so fucked that James Rolfe was attacked because of saying he’s not going to see the film & lists reasons as to why he won’t see it, none of those reasons containing the phrase “Because women don’t deserve to headline roles.” James Rolfe doesn’t speak to these meninist guys that boycotted ‘Fury Road’ last year.
I’ll end it here by saying if you hate the idea of a Ghostbusters remake, don’t pay money to see it. If you’re going to watch it anyways, then go ahead, I’m not that thin shelled of a person to be insulted by someone who decided to buy a ticket stub to this unfunny mess. This is like the sequel to ‘Pitch Perfect’, I saw a scene of it & wanted to tear my own face off. Sure, it beat Fury Road in box office numbers last year, but at the end of the day Fury Road won award nominations. Take that, Period Piece Shit.
JOHNNY DEPP WEARS A WIFE BEATER.
Johnny Depp wears a wife beater.
Either all of you Johnny Depp fan girls (Especially my older sister) had no clue of the news that hit, or if you guys chose not to hear of it. Either way, this news makes me laugh. To all you girls who I hung out with in High School who orgasmed at Johnny Depp, made shrines of him & worshipped him as your true & only god. Tough luck hun, your god has faults!!! But, still, in all seriousness domestic abuse is no laughing matter.
Anyone see those perfume ads with Johnny Depp driving some richboy car into a desert, sees a buffalo on the road & then buries something in the desert. What’s he burrying? This may be a clue to something bigger, something wide, something……IRRUMIRATI CONFIRMED!!!!!! Johnny Depp is part of an all inclusive club of assholes who kill women!!! You heard it here first!
And for the last news story for the day:
CAPTAIN AMERICA, NAZI?
I love Captain America, how can you not like a hero who’s first issue cover contains Hitler getting punched in the fuckin face!! So, what’s going on with Captain America now? He’s an Agent of Hydra. The people not aquainted with comic books are pissed, people who don’t read comics are pissed, all of us people who’ve been reading comics since adolescence are seeing this as just another stunt. It’s been happening since forever, since DC ‘supposedly’ killed off Superman. Some would argue it was to show how the DC Universe could cope without the Man of Steel, but even well known writers/comic readers like Harlan Ellison dished out that this was an already trite idea done with more creative power, more of a media presence & more emphasis on sales rather than making a ‘What if..’ story. DC killing off a well known hero & pop culture icon, that’s very unlikely. As for Captain America, Marvel is just doing this to get a rise out of sales & get media attention. Marvel has killed off how many characters & rebuilt them so many times, it’s likely he’ll be back to the Cap America we all know & love. If Marvel fell through their gimmicks (This is what it is, a gimmick), Wolverine would be dead, Gwenn Stacy would still be dead, Captain Marvel would still be that black woman with the white & yellow costume & Hulk/Bruce Banner would still have a incestual family who later gets killed off by Old Man Logan.
What I’m getting at is, Captain America won’t be a Nazi for long & the outcry is stupid. Not because they take fiction seriously, but because they take fiction too seriously, they were willing to force fire the writer just for working on the book. It looks like Marvel is letting this plot take it’s course & not recalling the book.
If the book was a pro Xenophobic, pro racisim propoganda, I’d be bitter about it, but it isn’t. It’s fiction, it’s just another plot point/ gimmic in the Captain America mythology. Calm those titties of yours.
We got a scanner & it's awesome. Planning so many things with it, one of them being a re-release of some of the best 'Adventures in Pancakes' comics in their unedited/higher quality versions. I also have some comics I drew as a kid, but I don't think the world is ready for that cringe. Not now, never. T'is is good news.
To end this………I don’t really have a moral or lesson to go off on. Hmmmm. Let me think. No wait, the advice generator I bought will help me. It’s a machine that prints out a sheet of paper containing advice to follow with lottery numbers.
(Pulls Lever. Paper zips out of slot)
…….Don’t have sex in front of your pets.
Winning numbers: 45,07,06,15, and a pentagram symbol.