Fuck you, it’s still Halloweeen.
I know I know, the day has passed & now it’s gone, but still I was busier than a prostitute in Valentines Day with my political research on candidates & I was editing the first episode of ‘He Came Tumbling Over’, I deserve to do a late late Halloween special. I EARNED IT. I’m awaiting my response for the first epsiode of ‘HCTO‘, if you haven’t read it then I suggest you stop reading this blog entry & read the first episode!!
So, happy late Halloween & the Philippines celebrated ‘All Saints Day’ in which the Government in the Philippines tried to deny. I don’t know what’s happening in the far east, apparently October 31st was passed as a holiday not too long ago & some part of the government denied that October 31st was a day off. It’s too complex for me to explain, I need a kiddie explanation of this.
(One google search later)
Okay, correct me if I’m wrong (To that only reader from the Philippines, then again, I might have a huge readership in the Philippines & Google Analytics is wrong) so President ‘Noynoy Aquino’ didn’t include October 31st when he signed a proclamation last year & All Saints Day fell on November 1st. Since November 1st is on a Saturday this year, they decided to let the companies & bosses judge whether they’d let their workers have the day off. Do I have the jist of it?
Anyways, if this is true then I hope all of you Philipinos had a great All Saints (Souls) Day, if not then I feel bad for you because bosses are assholes who tear families apart. Asshole bosses need to be taken down a class & be put in bondage. (Inner Monologue: YYEEEEAAAHHHHHH. Choke on that boot. Ask for more!!!)
0.o …….I don’t know what’s wrong with me…….Moving on.
This entry I won’t be talking a lot of politics, this is going to be a very Belated ‘Halloween’ special of Blogababble where we’ll talk horrors from my childhood. This would benefit if it were an audio format because then I would interview other people who have had scary things happen in their life or scary things that they’ve experienced or even scary shit that we as young children were afraid of. Sadly, I do not have the equipment for such idea, not even a voice recorder. So this text only blog will do.
As a kid I was scared of stuff a child my age would scoff at, or wouldn‘t understand. I was afraid of nuclear warfare. Living in the 90’s & 2000’s was a weird time when the only threat that the nation was under was Terrorism, but I didn’t really pay attention to that. Is it a conspiracy, I do not know. I had a friend who was big into computer gaming & he’d always play the ‘Command & Conquer’ games, ‘Tiberium Sun’ was theee most greatest game ever. These were ‘real time strategy’ games which involved using your mouse to command soldiers, build buildings & destroy enemy troops or enemy bases. Think of ‘Sim City’ but you can kill others with a drag of the mouse & a click. ‘Tiberium Sun’ was a science fiction version of the game involving Mech robots with machine guns, Starship Troopers looking soldeirs & high tech tanks. Later my friend bought another Command and Conquer game called ‘Red Alert’ which was like every other Command and Conquer game, but this one involved the bitter battle between the Americans and the Russians in an alternate reality. In the game you can play as the Russians in Skirmish missions & what my friend would do is he’d gather money and resources & spend most of his money in building nuclear missiles. At the right time he’d launch those missiles into the base, sit back & watch the enemy troops melt into green slush as the screams of painful yells that looped over & over again. That freaked me out, the power that nuclear missiles could do to living things was scary & this was before knowing about Hiroshima & Nagasaki. Later that day ‘Terminator 2: Judgement Day’ was on television & there was that pretty messed up dream sequence where Linda Hamilton’s character tried to warn these kids in a park about the machines & we see these people in the park burn into bone & ash as all of Downtown Los Angeles is eliminated by the blazing explosions. Not getting the story at first I thought the flick was about Russians who destroyed Los Angeles & Schwarzenegger was stopping them. I was a kid, I didn’t get a hold of plots & storytelling until middle school (I was a retarded kid, didn‘t get no air when I was born). So all this time I was scared of Russians bombing America in the 2000’s. Looking back I get a great big laugh at that. Boy did I not stick with the times, I was late by a decade. Cold War jebus was born late.
I’m sure all of you are familiar with corporate mascots like Ronald Mc. Donald, Pillsbury Doughboy, that weird monkey thing for British cookies (I have no clue what the brand is called), it’s what makes a company recognizable & marketable. Here’s a question to all of you who were raised off of television in the 90’s & before, Were you ever scared of a mascot? I’m sure all of us watched that creepy version of ‘Ronald Mc. Donald’ from the 1960’s & thought that was fucking disturbing. As a kid of the 90’s I was exposed to many rehashed things. Looney Tunes was re-aired (in their politically correct edits), I still remember seeing those ‘Tootsie- Pop’ commercials that originally aired in the 70’s. The 90’s was a strange year for rehashing & re-airing of certain things, this is the same decade that brought back ‘Bellbottoms’ for some time. At that time I was a small kid, my parents watched a lot of stuff which was my exposure to the things I love today. They watched a shit ton of violent stuff when I was around, oh but they drew the line when two characters were to engage in an ethnic kiss or a neutered sex scene (It’s network television, the closest you’d get to a sex scene is watching two people just stand there & say ‘Hah, boob.’). One day, Mc.Donalds decided to bring back some of their old mascots & this is when I saw Grimace (Ronald Mc. Donalds’ autistic purple friend). I wasn’t scared of that hilarious looking guy. Then I saw that bird girl thing, meh. The Hamburglar, What the hell? Why would an escaped convict steal burgers? Didn’t make sense to me back then, still doesn’t today. Then there came a little known mascot that scared the shit out of me at the time & his name is ‘Mac Tonite’. That motherfucker scared me shitless while my parents sat there & laughed their little butts off. What the bloody fuck!!
I know I know, the day has passed & now it’s gone, but still I was busier than a prostitute in Valentines Day with my political research on candidates & I was editing the first episode of ‘He Came Tumbling Over’, I deserve to do a late late Halloween special. I EARNED IT. I’m awaiting my response for the first epsiode of ‘HCTO‘, if you haven’t read it then I suggest you stop reading this blog entry & read the first episode!!
So, happy late Halloween & the Philippines celebrated ‘All Saints Day’ in which the Government in the Philippines tried to deny. I don’t know what’s happening in the far east, apparently October 31st was passed as a holiday not too long ago & some part of the government denied that October 31st was a day off. It’s too complex for me to explain, I need a kiddie explanation of this.
(One google search later)
Okay, correct me if I’m wrong (To that only reader from the Philippines, then again, I might have a huge readership in the Philippines & Google Analytics is wrong) so President ‘Noynoy Aquino’ didn’t include October 31st when he signed a proclamation last year & All Saints Day fell on November 1st. Since November 1st is on a Saturday this year, they decided to let the companies & bosses judge whether they’d let their workers have the day off. Do I have the jist of it?
Anyways, if this is true then I hope all of you Philipinos had a great All Saints (Souls) Day, if not then I feel bad for you because bosses are assholes who tear families apart. Asshole bosses need to be taken down a class & be put in bondage. (Inner Monologue: YYEEEEAAAHHHHHH. Choke on that boot. Ask for more!!!)
0.o …….I don’t know what’s wrong with me…….Moving on.
This entry I won’t be talking a lot of politics, this is going to be a very Belated ‘Halloween’ special of Blogababble where we’ll talk horrors from my childhood. This would benefit if it were an audio format because then I would interview other people who have had scary things happen in their life or scary things that they’ve experienced or even scary shit that we as young children were afraid of. Sadly, I do not have the equipment for such idea, not even a voice recorder. So this text only blog will do.
As a kid I was scared of stuff a child my age would scoff at, or wouldn‘t understand. I was afraid of nuclear warfare. Living in the 90’s & 2000’s was a weird time when the only threat that the nation was under was Terrorism, but I didn’t really pay attention to that. Is it a conspiracy, I do not know. I had a friend who was big into computer gaming & he’d always play the ‘Command & Conquer’ games, ‘Tiberium Sun’ was theee most greatest game ever. These were ‘real time strategy’ games which involved using your mouse to command soldiers, build buildings & destroy enemy troops or enemy bases. Think of ‘Sim City’ but you can kill others with a drag of the mouse & a click. ‘Tiberium Sun’ was a science fiction version of the game involving Mech robots with machine guns, Starship Troopers looking soldeirs & high tech tanks. Later my friend bought another Command and Conquer game called ‘Red Alert’ which was like every other Command and Conquer game, but this one involved the bitter battle between the Americans and the Russians in an alternate reality. In the game you can play as the Russians in Skirmish missions & what my friend would do is he’d gather money and resources & spend most of his money in building nuclear missiles. At the right time he’d launch those missiles into the base, sit back & watch the enemy troops melt into green slush as the screams of painful yells that looped over & over again. That freaked me out, the power that nuclear missiles could do to living things was scary & this was before knowing about Hiroshima & Nagasaki. Later that day ‘Terminator 2: Judgement Day’ was on television & there was that pretty messed up dream sequence where Linda Hamilton’s character tried to warn these kids in a park about the machines & we see these people in the park burn into bone & ash as all of Downtown Los Angeles is eliminated by the blazing explosions. Not getting the story at first I thought the flick was about Russians who destroyed Los Angeles & Schwarzenegger was stopping them. I was a kid, I didn’t get a hold of plots & storytelling until middle school (I was a retarded kid, didn‘t get no air when I was born). So all this time I was scared of Russians bombing America in the 2000’s. Looking back I get a great big laugh at that. Boy did I not stick with the times, I was late by a decade. Cold War jebus was born late.
I’m sure all of you are familiar with corporate mascots like Ronald Mc. Donald, Pillsbury Doughboy, that weird monkey thing for British cookies (I have no clue what the brand is called), it’s what makes a company recognizable & marketable. Here’s a question to all of you who were raised off of television in the 90’s & before, Were you ever scared of a mascot? I’m sure all of us watched that creepy version of ‘Ronald Mc. Donald’ from the 1960’s & thought that was fucking disturbing. As a kid of the 90’s I was exposed to many rehashed things. Looney Tunes was re-aired (in their politically correct edits), I still remember seeing those ‘Tootsie- Pop’ commercials that originally aired in the 70’s. The 90’s was a strange year for rehashing & re-airing of certain things, this is the same decade that brought back ‘Bellbottoms’ for some time. At that time I was a small kid, my parents watched a lot of stuff which was my exposure to the things I love today. They watched a shit ton of violent stuff when I was around, oh but they drew the line when two characters were to engage in an ethnic kiss or a neutered sex scene (It’s network television, the closest you’d get to a sex scene is watching two people just stand there & say ‘Hah, boob.’). One day, Mc.Donalds decided to bring back some of their old mascots & this is when I saw Grimace (Ronald Mc. Donalds’ autistic purple friend). I wasn’t scared of that hilarious looking guy. Then I saw that bird girl thing, meh. The Hamburglar, What the hell? Why would an escaped convict steal burgers? Didn’t make sense to me back then, still doesn’t today. Then there came a little known mascot that scared the shit out of me at the time & his name is ‘Mac Tonite’. That motherfucker scared me shitless while my parents sat there & laughed their little butts off. What the bloody fuck!!
The hauntingly pale white face, the moving mouth, the design; This was enough to piss my pants. Surprisingly the commercials didn’t air for too long here in the states, but did get a another reintroduction in 2007 featuring a Computer Generated Mac Tonite that was only seen in countries such as Singapore, The Philipines, Malaysia, South Africa & Indonesia. The creepy yet mysterious moon faced mascot was buried deep in obscurity & in the memories of the few who have seen him. It wasn’t until I got internet access that I have reconnected with my past fear, found some of the commercials & some neat info on the mascot. Mac Tonite was used as a tool to advertise their nightly business to lure customers to eat after 4pm, which began in 1987, fell into obscurity for some time & appeared again in 1996 with new commercials & even appearing in ‘Bill Elliot’s #94’ racing car as Mac. Donalds also sponsored NASCAR. Now at my old age Mac Tonite has went from disturbing memory from the past to now an interesting underrated piece in American pop culture. With my now darker tastes in horror, I have grown a special liking towards the look of ‘Mac Tonite.’ It goes to show that sometimes the fears of our past end up becoming interesting things when we dig a little more into it with an open mind.
I am sure this is the commercial that freaked the shit out of me as a kid.
I’m just going to breeze through a few childhood fears because, I don’t want to spend a lot of time here; let’s see, I was afraid of being left in a bus where the conductor never stops because….just because he felt like it. Even as a kid I even thought the human race was full of sociopathic dicks. And no, this fear was not brought up after watching 'Speed' at a young age.
I was afraid of UFO’s and aliens because I swore to my left eye I saw a UFO on top of a power plant in Wilmington California. Was it a dirigible? It’s likely, but of course it may have been a UFO. I was very afraid of Aliens, especially after watching a few minutes of that 1993 film ‘Fire in the Sky'. I’ve yet to see that film again. The fact that some creature would stick some sharp thing up someone’s butt was disturbing, probing is disturbing.
I was scared of being left inside a locked school because like before, I thought people were so cruel enough to leave a kid inside a locked school so they could laugh about it next day. I swear, I did not trust anyone in my childhood, I STILL DO NOT TRUST ANYONE.
I was afraid of clowns for a brief period of time, I don’t know how this was triggered and why. Still to this day I don’t know why clowns scared me. I don’t get it man, now I could give two shits less about clowns.
Clowns aren’t scary, just annoying. I can see why kids like clowns, the colors are what distract them.
Let’s see, I was scared of doctors, still am but that’s because the few judge harshly. “You haven’t been drinking milk? Well, I guess I’m going to blame you because you are only drinking Homoginized 2.01 % real milk because all us doctors are paragons of good health.” They’re not, a doctor made me sick once because his fat ass decided to go to work while he had a cold. I hope he’s burning in hell. Maybe in bondage….Nope!!! I hope he’s burning into a crisp.
I was scared of a race war, all because of Eddie Gurrero’s brother, Chavo Gurrero. Anyone who watched wrestling in the 2000’s knew who he was, he was the guy who would appear on stage & talk about how superior the Mexican race was. I’m Mexican & that shit didn’t lift my morale, it scared the shit out of me because I felt he was triggering a race war & lead the American government (or the international governments) to round up all Mexicans and put them in concentration camps or blazing ovens or refry all of us Mexicans. I was scared, whenever he’s start spewing his crowd angering jargon, I’d yell at the screen “Shut up man!!!! I don’t want to die in a race war!!!” My mind conjured images of my parents getting shot, all because some asshole wrestler triggered a race war. At that same time my older sister was a freshman in high school & there was always a ‘Gang’ fight between the Mexican gangs and the black gangs which even at that time I thought was bullshit. So yeah, I was afraid of a retarded wrestler spewing brown supremacist jargon which I later find out it’s just wrestlers doing what they do to anger the crowds.
No race wars were triggered, yet we’re not far off from the bloody & violent race wars that might occur. COUGH!!! TEA PARTY!! COUGH!!!!
This was the 90’s, I was scared of vets with mechanical body parts. I was very young back then & at the Laundromat (that still exists now) there was this guy who came in to do his sheets & he had a mechanical leg. I am in no way disrespecting war vets, but as a very young child the fact that a person no longer had a piece of their body was very disturbing to me. At the time I didn’t know why they no longer had an arm or a leg, I just felt this was very creepy. Too all you surviving war vets reading this (I doubt there are any, but just to be sure) Thank you for your service. And to that man with the mechanical legs (I doubt he’s reading this) I APOLIGIZE ON BEHALF OF MY RETARDED YOUNGER SELF.
Let’s see here, I’m trying to think of way more things I was scared of as a kid. Oh!! I was afraid of living in a post apocalyptic wasteland, all because I watched a lot of ’Mad Max’ & that somewhat entertaining ’American Cyborg: Steel Warrior’. Looking back, everyone’s afraid of living in a world where insanity is our only survival. I think that is all, I was scared of the things I doubt any common child was afraid of.
Last entry I have created a list of films I said I was going to watch for the Halloween season, sad to say I only watched a portion of the list. I was busy with editing some episodes (He Came Tumbling Over, new episode coming this Friday. Plug Plug), was doing my research for the election or I was just lazy (So lazy you don‘t want to watch a film, I know, stupid excuse). So instead of doing the common internet thing (Which is reviewing what I’ve seen), I’m going to comment on them & let you decide whether you want to watch these films or not.
-Hellraiser (1987): I’m pretty sure I’m preaching to the choir, THIS FILM IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. I’m surprised by the lack of screen time the ‘Cenobites’ have in this film, considering Pinhead is an icon of horror along with Jason & Freddy. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you get off a computer & watch it.
-Tenebrae (1982): It’s a mystery, slasher flick full of blood & boobs. Dario Argento sure knows how to use lighting & hold a camera, yet he can’t write a story that adds up. The beginning was promising, but then logic arises that is totally neglected just to move the story. I won’t spoil it, but how does a killer kill someone in their backyard & just leave the body there for all to see & who was the person who was cutting the lawn & found the body & why did the cops not look for whoever owned the home to see if the killer lived there? God damnit Argento!!! Still, in the long run it entertained me & that’s all I expect a film to do. It’s an entertaining slasher when you don’t put too much of your mind into it. Don’t expect this to be a ‘Silence of the Lambs’.
-Phenomena (Creepers) (1985): Again, logic is not part of Dario Argento’s universe, but it’s not that bad of a film. Yeah, it stars that girl from ‘Labrynth’,…NOT DAVID BOWIE!! I liked this flick, it was brilliantly shot, of course it suffers from the cliché of having the killer kill the stereotypical “Oui Oui I am zeh cute forigner girl.” but it has a awesome soundtrack in which Argento put metal tracks in inappropriate places, though added more of a cool style to it. It’s not everyday you hear Motorhead’s Locomotive while a detective gets info on a killer inside an insane asylum. It reminded me of David Lynch’s ‘Wild at Heart’ when that ‘Powermad’ song played all throughout his film, considering Lynch is known as a ‘Blues‘ and 'Golden Oldies' kind of guy. Anyways, the film plays out as Mystery, Horror & a Fable. A young girl is sent to an all girls school where a killer is killing off foreign girls which leads her to unleash her power to command bugs, in which she later uses to hunt down the killer. It’s not that horrible of a film, don't expect a horrid & vile italian film like the notorious 'Cannibal Holocaust' (Which I refuse to see), but something tells me if I ever ask Jennifer Connelly about how it was to work with a monkey on an Italian horror film, she’d either laugh & tell me all about it, or stab me. You can never tell with these A-listers. It’s a 50/50 thing, it’s not everyday you’re asked about working with monkeys unless you’re Jane Goodall or someone who works for Congress.
-XTRO (1983): This is one of those films where it sets itself up to be creepy, moody & interesting, only to end up confusing & a waste of my time. The movie begins as a young boy’s dad is abducted by aliens & years later an alien comet lands on earth. This alien looked creepy, walked creepy, IT WAS CREEPY!!!! This alien impregnates a woman & the woman dies giving birth to an already grown man, who turns out is the little boy’s dad. So the dad comes back into his life & his mom is confused, especially since she’s now with another man (a douchebag) & the boy is glad, that is until he finds out his dad is an alien when he puts a alien egg skin thing into his shoulder. This is when the film stopped being about the creepy contortionist alien thing & starts turning into a bland & confusing rip off of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ with weird toy soldiers that come to life & a weird Lynchian clown. This flick sucked balls. The beginning set itself up to be like a rogue alien flick where it’s killing anyone it comes in contact with, I want that film.
Lord of Illusion (1995): It’s not that bad, but it’s not that good either, it just is. Clive Barker yet again wrote & directed this & it’s not his best, but I won’t go far to say it’s his worst. The computer generated imagery didn’t age well, I can’t see Scott Bakula (Bwa ha ha) as the hard boiled detective, but It’s a very imaginative story, mixing the dime store detective novel with modern horror. Plus, Famke Jassen. I don’t need to tell you what she does, I just say ‘Famke Jassesn’ and all of us with good tastes in beauty will flock to that.
-Day of the Dead (1985): It was a good flick, very good sequel to the 1978 ‘Dawn of the Dead’, but it lacked the ‘Goblin’ soundtrack which I adored. Overall it’s bloody, gory & tells a good coherent story. Greatest quote in the film: Aye Aye sir!! Fuck you sir!!!
I laughed my ass off when I heard that.
-Maniac (1934): I can tell this is an underground film because it did not follow the ‘Hayes Code’ of the time. It was nothing deep, a servant to a professor kills his superior because ‘why not’ & impersonates the professor & does crazy stuff because ‘why not’. It’s very 30’s & for some reason reminded me of ‘Reefer Madness’ in it’s goofy depiction of violence & terror. Moral of the story: Crazy people do crazy things because they’re crazy. It’s kinda worth the 50 minutes to see this train wreck. It's on 'YouTube' in a pretty poor quality, still worth it.
Tim Burton’s Hansel & Grettel: A 30 minute film directed by Tim Burton, this one’s for the kids & it wasn’t that bad. I believe you can see the whole thing on YouTube right now. Cough!!! Alice in Wonderland sucked donkey balls, COUGH!!!!
I believe that is all I’ve seen, I’ll get to the other flicks I have loaded up & will talk about them some other time (or never). I don’t know, I’d like to hear from you, do you want to hear what I have to say about these other films or do you think this is retarded? Leave your opinion in the comments section or email me: blacktime.epress@aol.com
I have done my quota, four pages, that is all for now, four pages is all a reader can read. Have a happy Halloween everyone. Oh wait, it’s not Halloween anymore. It’s the Fourth of July everyone, Celebrate our independence by taking away our civil liberties, LIKE AN OVERPROTECTIVE FATHER!!!! Ahhh, ‘Murica!!! No but seriously, it’s Still Halloween for another two centuries, go to people’s houses & steal their candy (Or chicken) & dress up!! THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN DIS IS H4LL0W33N!!!!!!!!!! FUCK CHRISTMAS, FUCK PAPA NOEL, unless he’s saving prostitutes from mean pimps, then he’s alright in my book. Oh, I forgot to say one time as a child my mom told me if I watched a lot of horror films, then I would die like said victims in the horror film, so I took that with a huge grain of salt since I believed every single bit of info she told me. I’ve watched tons & tons of horror flicks & I’m still here walking & breathing. So to all you kids, your parents can lie, they aren’t paragons of life, no one is.
Goodnight everyone
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Next week we’re going to talk current affairs. I can already hear all of you getting angry. Save it for next week!!
Eddie Gurrero
We very much knew ye
1967- 2005
I was afraid of UFO’s and aliens because I swore to my left eye I saw a UFO on top of a power plant in Wilmington California. Was it a dirigible? It’s likely, but of course it may have been a UFO. I was very afraid of Aliens, especially after watching a few minutes of that 1993 film ‘Fire in the Sky'. I’ve yet to see that film again. The fact that some creature would stick some sharp thing up someone’s butt was disturbing, probing is disturbing.
I was scared of being left inside a locked school because like before, I thought people were so cruel enough to leave a kid inside a locked school so they could laugh about it next day. I swear, I did not trust anyone in my childhood, I STILL DO NOT TRUST ANYONE.
I was afraid of clowns for a brief period of time, I don’t know how this was triggered and why. Still to this day I don’t know why clowns scared me. I don’t get it man, now I could give two shits less about clowns.
Clowns aren’t scary, just annoying. I can see why kids like clowns, the colors are what distract them.
Let’s see, I was scared of doctors, still am but that’s because the few judge harshly. “You haven’t been drinking milk? Well, I guess I’m going to blame you because you are only drinking Homoginized 2.01 % real milk because all us doctors are paragons of good health.” They’re not, a doctor made me sick once because his fat ass decided to go to work while he had a cold. I hope he’s burning in hell. Maybe in bondage….Nope!!! I hope he’s burning into a crisp.
I was scared of a race war, all because of Eddie Gurrero’s brother, Chavo Gurrero. Anyone who watched wrestling in the 2000’s knew who he was, he was the guy who would appear on stage & talk about how superior the Mexican race was. I’m Mexican & that shit didn’t lift my morale, it scared the shit out of me because I felt he was triggering a race war & lead the American government (or the international governments) to round up all Mexicans and put them in concentration camps or blazing ovens or refry all of us Mexicans. I was scared, whenever he’s start spewing his crowd angering jargon, I’d yell at the screen “Shut up man!!!! I don’t want to die in a race war!!!” My mind conjured images of my parents getting shot, all because some asshole wrestler triggered a race war. At that same time my older sister was a freshman in high school & there was always a ‘Gang’ fight between the Mexican gangs and the black gangs which even at that time I thought was bullshit. So yeah, I was afraid of a retarded wrestler spewing brown supremacist jargon which I later find out it’s just wrestlers doing what they do to anger the crowds.
No race wars were triggered, yet we’re not far off from the bloody & violent race wars that might occur. COUGH!!! TEA PARTY!! COUGH!!!!
This was the 90’s, I was scared of vets with mechanical body parts. I was very young back then & at the Laundromat (that still exists now) there was this guy who came in to do his sheets & he had a mechanical leg. I am in no way disrespecting war vets, but as a very young child the fact that a person no longer had a piece of their body was very disturbing to me. At the time I didn’t know why they no longer had an arm or a leg, I just felt this was very creepy. Too all you surviving war vets reading this (I doubt there are any, but just to be sure) Thank you for your service. And to that man with the mechanical legs (I doubt he’s reading this) I APOLIGIZE ON BEHALF OF MY RETARDED YOUNGER SELF.
Let’s see here, I’m trying to think of way more things I was scared of as a kid. Oh!! I was afraid of living in a post apocalyptic wasteland, all because I watched a lot of ’Mad Max’ & that somewhat entertaining ’American Cyborg: Steel Warrior’. Looking back, everyone’s afraid of living in a world where insanity is our only survival. I think that is all, I was scared of the things I doubt any common child was afraid of.
Last entry I have created a list of films I said I was going to watch for the Halloween season, sad to say I only watched a portion of the list. I was busy with editing some episodes (He Came Tumbling Over, new episode coming this Friday. Plug Plug), was doing my research for the election or I was just lazy (So lazy you don‘t want to watch a film, I know, stupid excuse). So instead of doing the common internet thing (Which is reviewing what I’ve seen), I’m going to comment on them & let you decide whether you want to watch these films or not.
-Hellraiser (1987): I’m pretty sure I’m preaching to the choir, THIS FILM IS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. I’m surprised by the lack of screen time the ‘Cenobites’ have in this film, considering Pinhead is an icon of horror along with Jason & Freddy. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you get off a computer & watch it.
-Tenebrae (1982): It’s a mystery, slasher flick full of blood & boobs. Dario Argento sure knows how to use lighting & hold a camera, yet he can’t write a story that adds up. The beginning was promising, but then logic arises that is totally neglected just to move the story. I won’t spoil it, but how does a killer kill someone in their backyard & just leave the body there for all to see & who was the person who was cutting the lawn & found the body & why did the cops not look for whoever owned the home to see if the killer lived there? God damnit Argento!!! Still, in the long run it entertained me & that’s all I expect a film to do. It’s an entertaining slasher when you don’t put too much of your mind into it. Don’t expect this to be a ‘Silence of the Lambs’.
-Phenomena (Creepers) (1985): Again, logic is not part of Dario Argento’s universe, but it’s not that bad of a film. Yeah, it stars that girl from ‘Labrynth’,…NOT DAVID BOWIE!! I liked this flick, it was brilliantly shot, of course it suffers from the cliché of having the killer kill the stereotypical “Oui Oui I am zeh cute forigner girl.” but it has a awesome soundtrack in which Argento put metal tracks in inappropriate places, though added more of a cool style to it. It’s not everyday you hear Motorhead’s Locomotive while a detective gets info on a killer inside an insane asylum. It reminded me of David Lynch’s ‘Wild at Heart’ when that ‘Powermad’ song played all throughout his film, considering Lynch is known as a ‘Blues‘ and 'Golden Oldies' kind of guy. Anyways, the film plays out as Mystery, Horror & a Fable. A young girl is sent to an all girls school where a killer is killing off foreign girls which leads her to unleash her power to command bugs, in which she later uses to hunt down the killer. It’s not that horrible of a film, don't expect a horrid & vile italian film like the notorious 'Cannibal Holocaust' (Which I refuse to see), but something tells me if I ever ask Jennifer Connelly about how it was to work with a monkey on an Italian horror film, she’d either laugh & tell me all about it, or stab me. You can never tell with these A-listers. It’s a 50/50 thing, it’s not everyday you’re asked about working with monkeys unless you’re Jane Goodall or someone who works for Congress.
-XTRO (1983): This is one of those films where it sets itself up to be creepy, moody & interesting, only to end up confusing & a waste of my time. The movie begins as a young boy’s dad is abducted by aliens & years later an alien comet lands on earth. This alien looked creepy, walked creepy, IT WAS CREEPY!!!! This alien impregnates a woman & the woman dies giving birth to an already grown man, who turns out is the little boy’s dad. So the dad comes back into his life & his mom is confused, especially since she’s now with another man (a douchebag) & the boy is glad, that is until he finds out his dad is an alien when he puts a alien egg skin thing into his shoulder. This is when the film stopped being about the creepy contortionist alien thing & starts turning into a bland & confusing rip off of ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ with weird toy soldiers that come to life & a weird Lynchian clown. This flick sucked balls. The beginning set itself up to be like a rogue alien flick where it’s killing anyone it comes in contact with, I want that film.
Lord of Illusion (1995): It’s not that bad, but it’s not that good either, it just is. Clive Barker yet again wrote & directed this & it’s not his best, but I won’t go far to say it’s his worst. The computer generated imagery didn’t age well, I can’t see Scott Bakula (Bwa ha ha) as the hard boiled detective, but It’s a very imaginative story, mixing the dime store detective novel with modern horror. Plus, Famke Jassen. I don’t need to tell you what she does, I just say ‘Famke Jassesn’ and all of us with good tastes in beauty will flock to that.
-Day of the Dead (1985): It was a good flick, very good sequel to the 1978 ‘Dawn of the Dead’, but it lacked the ‘Goblin’ soundtrack which I adored. Overall it’s bloody, gory & tells a good coherent story. Greatest quote in the film: Aye Aye sir!! Fuck you sir!!!
I laughed my ass off when I heard that.
-Maniac (1934): I can tell this is an underground film because it did not follow the ‘Hayes Code’ of the time. It was nothing deep, a servant to a professor kills his superior because ‘why not’ & impersonates the professor & does crazy stuff because ‘why not’. It’s very 30’s & for some reason reminded me of ‘Reefer Madness’ in it’s goofy depiction of violence & terror. Moral of the story: Crazy people do crazy things because they’re crazy. It’s kinda worth the 50 minutes to see this train wreck. It's on 'YouTube' in a pretty poor quality, still worth it.
Tim Burton’s Hansel & Grettel: A 30 minute film directed by Tim Burton, this one’s for the kids & it wasn’t that bad. I believe you can see the whole thing on YouTube right now. Cough!!! Alice in Wonderland sucked donkey balls, COUGH!!!!
I believe that is all I’ve seen, I’ll get to the other flicks I have loaded up & will talk about them some other time (or never). I don’t know, I’d like to hear from you, do you want to hear what I have to say about these other films or do you think this is retarded? Leave your opinion in the comments section or email me: blacktime.epress@aol.com
I have done my quota, four pages, that is all for now, four pages is all a reader can read. Have a happy Halloween everyone. Oh wait, it’s not Halloween anymore. It’s the Fourth of July everyone, Celebrate our independence by taking away our civil liberties, LIKE AN OVERPROTECTIVE FATHER!!!! Ahhh, ‘Murica!!! No but seriously, it’s Still Halloween for another two centuries, go to people’s houses & steal their candy (Or chicken) & dress up!! THIS IS HALLOWEEN THIS IS HALLOWEEN DIS IS H4LL0W33N!!!!!!!!!! FUCK CHRISTMAS, FUCK PAPA NOEL, unless he’s saving prostitutes from mean pimps, then he’s alright in my book. Oh, I forgot to say one time as a child my mom told me if I watched a lot of horror films, then I would die like said victims in the horror film, so I took that with a huge grain of salt since I believed every single bit of info she told me. I’ve watched tons & tons of horror flicks & I’m still here walking & breathing. So to all you kids, your parents can lie, they aren’t paragons of life, no one is.
Goodnight everyone
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Next week we’re going to talk current affairs. I can already hear all of you getting angry. Save it for next week!!
Eddie Gurrero
We very much knew ye
1967- 2005
