But before I spill some hate, love or confusion here, I want to make some addendums on the previous entry I wrote.
So 2015 brought us ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ which proved me wrong. So I praised the film like a god & most of that has to do with the fact that this was the only ‘current’ film I saw. Oh I had my eye on other films such as ‘Straight Outta Compton, that new Jurassic Park film, Ant Man & others that aren’t coming to mind at the moment. When it comes to a new releases, there are the few that I will splurge money on to see because to me it is what your parents may have called a ‘Special Treat’. There are movies that I see coming out that always make me say “Eh, I’ll wait till cable.” Those flicks are either Marvel films or something that I’m unsure about, they may be entertaining or suck terribly. But you have movies that you know deep in your core you have to see before unexpected circumstances prevent you from seeing it. I got the movie on DVD because I think everyone will agree that movie theaters suck now. People’s social quirks & Hollywood’s high budgeted productions have forced local chain theaters to charge people up the ass for tickets & popcorn. What derr hell? So theaters aren’t my thing, the last movie I saw at a theater was either ‘That Transformers movie with the yelling’ or ‘Hunger Games’. Whichever it was, all I know was I left that theater disappointed. I’ll probably go to a theater again if I learn to drive (Gotta travel out of ghetto lines to go to the ritzy part of SoCal, Rolling Hills. Hahaha, if only it were called ‘Rollins Hills’.) or my older sisters invite me to see another shitty movie.
I talked about Obama getting rid of the NCLB (No Child Left Behind), but he also ‘sorta’ got rid of the Patriot Act. What is the Patriot Act? In summary, it was that bill that was signed into law shortly after 9/11 because the country was scared shitless, like really scared shitless. So the law stripped some civil laws in order for ‘Homlend Zekuritay’ to keep the nation proud. Being someone who was afraid of living in ‘1984’, this law is pretty much something Orwellian & it’s a shame no one saw it before. But I don’t blame the public, after a disaster like 9/11, the only thing that will ease people is safety. So that’s gone, but is it really gone? If the Obama run has proved anything, it’s that nothing really stays dead, it just takes on a new moniker, new form with the same intentions. Medicare is gone, no it isn’t. Obamacare is the same crap, except everyone is ‘forced’ (kinda) to opt in & it’s the same crap. So the Patriot Act is dead, phones may not be wiretapped by the NSA anymore, but they never said anything about wiretapping the internet. I’m not at all convinced that the Patriot Act is dead, it might come back with a different name like the ‘Murica Act & use the same spiel that was used to sell our congressmen on agreeing to the Patriot Act. We’ll wait & see.
In the last entry I said Cinemax should be getting to releasing ‘The Knick’ on DVD. Well a trip to ‘Target’ has taught me that Season.1 is out now. Along with that I found an 8-pack Jackie Chan DVD which contains most of his Hong Kong work, including ’The Protector’ (Technically Chan’s first American debut). Someone in charge of ordering & stocking movies at ’Tarjay’ is getting my wholehearted approval! “MARRY MY DAUGHTERS MAN OR WOMAN!! I don’t judge.”
There’s still no clear date as to whether Season.2‘s home release, but I’m sure it will be out. I don’t know about Netflix or Hulu, maybe it’s up for streaming. The show isn’t that obscure, it was nominated for a Golden Globe recently, that’s something.
Enough of this monkey acts & fury movies, let’s talk about something that won’t make me sound like a nerd, MOVIES!!!
So before I go on, there are some movies I mentioned last year that had schedules pushed up like that ‘Dirty Grampa’ movie I tore into. I’ll be skipping movies that I already mentioned or don’t have anything to say about them.
I still want my Frankenstien movie where a homosexual Igor is depressed as hell & sings ‘Vogue’ by Madonna while putting on lipstick. Instead we got Daniel Radcliffe, BOOOO!!!!!
So same rules as before, some of these movies might change titles, date or be shelved until they pick up distribution or overall just forgotten, like the Corman 1994 Fantastic Four film.
Now let’s give you all a RAZZLE DAZZLE!!!!!!!
Please don’t blame me for misinterpreting the plot, blame ‘Movieinsider.com’.
Yosemite: James Franco with a gay porn mustache & a bunch of hipsters in some movie with a washed out color scheme. I don’t get this style, what is it meant to portray that your movie was over washed at the laundry? The plot is about some kids (that are meant to be Franco & the others) bond together in a forest in 1985 while a mountain lion is stalking them & it’s R-Rated. Ooooh, COME ON BABY, CHILD DEATH!!!!! (Reads MPAA explanation) For some sexual material/ nudity & language.
Awwww, booo!!! If I wanted to see boobs & swearing I’d stare at an obese woman’s back while listening to Eddie Murphy’s standup. Why an obese woman’s back? Back boobs, duh!!!
Only Yesterday: So this is a Miyazaki film that was originally released in Japan in 1991, but never released here in the US until now. Thank you Xenophobia, it took a simple movie two & a half decades to be released here in US soil.
I was about to say that this flick pulled off the 80’s anime look for something that was made recently.
As for the film itself, this looks like one of those movies I’ll never watch, same goes to the Studio Ghibli non fantasy/ action films. I don’t know, but when Studio Ghibli does some human or romantic character pieces, it always leaves a sad taste in my mouth. Nothing against the films, but I don’t know, they look like movies I won’t have a happy time watching unlike stuff like ‘Nuissca & the Valley of Wind’ or ‘Akira’ (Which wasn’t Studio Ghibli, but looks like it.) All in all I’m not touching that with a 50 foot pole, you fans go ahead & delight yourselves.
Sherlock The Abominable : So this is getting a limited release, something you can watch online or on PBS for free is getting a theatrical release. To be honest, Game Of Thrones did this last year by screening one of their episodes on the big screen, this isn’t anything new. Still, watch it on the big screen because PBS can suck a dick. I’m not joking, those pretentious fucks promised to air all the Sherlock episodes, but didn’t because they’re such pretentious fucks, oh but that condescending ‘Downtown Abbey’ show gets reruns & major advertising. Fuck you PBS. I don’t know shit about Sherlock, all I know is the main guy looks like an alien.
The Revnant: Leo Di Caprio gets raped by a bear. I’m not making a joke of that, give him the Oscar already.
The Forest: The movie that has pissed off ‘Tumblr’ because the people white washed the story by hiring an American actress as a main character. I’m bugged too, but this shit has been happening since forever, even before that Brad Pitt flick ‘The Mexican’ movie. I know recently there has been outcry on the ‘Academy of Motion Pictures’ for their lack of diversity in their selection. For once I’m not blaming the Academy, but the studios because these are the same people that would skewer creativity for money. They look at the cast & who would gear audiences, & that is why we have a movie about two Sudanese refugees with Emma Stone shoe horned into the flick because these Hollywood studios are so fucking paranoid that people won’t go to a movie if there aren’t any white people.
As for the flick, generic horror movie that would only scare pussies. Case closed, next flick.
Diablo: Starring Scott Eastwood. Wait a minuit!! Eastwood as in… (One google search later) He is Clint Eastwood’s son! Goddamn, this is awesome. Following in dad’s footsteps, he’s starring in a western & judging by the poster it looks like a good old fashioned, shoot ‘em up western. I’m intrigued.
The Masked Saint: A Christian vigilante flick about a former wrestler becoming a Preist, but steps into the mask again when crime begins to hit close to his home. This can either be the greatest Christian/ Vigilante hybrid or the worst. It also feature an appearance by the late great ‘Roddy Piper’, so this is one I might be on the lookout for.
Despite that, most Christian related films that were released in these past years have been horrid representations of the Christian religion, as well as other religions. Now I’m not a religious person, but even I have to say some of these movies like ‘God’s Not Dead’ or the one Cinema Snob recently reviewed ‘Kirk Cameron Violates Christmas’ are so horrible & poorly made, it’s sickening that there are a minority of people that believe in everything these movies portray. In one there was an Muslim character who was hiding her interest in Christianity from her dad & when he finds out he starts abusing her. That’s not cool bro, unless it was meant to be a parody, but it wasn’t. There needs to be a separation between entertainment & religion, but then again that would be an infringement of the 1st Amendment rights.
13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi : This is pretty much Michael Bay saying “Remember that ‘American Sniper’ flick? I can make that with more explosions & probably less racism.”
I’m giving this one a shot, it’s an R-Rated Michael Bay flick, why not?
Ride Along 2: Dear god………… I’m preventing myself from getting a dgfshnfvdauifkjdbhkjgdfjkdfavghdkjhndgfkjhgvdkjvgnkjgfdsgfkdjgklfhdglkfnhglfjhgfjdgnfkjdghfkjgnfdshgkjhehswiuekdbrfgahfgsdfghjkl,mvdvgsrfehfdredhfjuedrfshuidrenudrfehuirdesyhfliiubrfihsh aneurism so I’ll just leave it at ‘Piece of puked on shit.’
Norm of the North: Hey parents! You want to fart on the face of children’s intelligence with animation? This is the movie to take your kids to!
The Lady in the Van: If Maggie Smith pulled up in a van & offered me candy, I would take it. Sure, she would kidnap me, put me in some hole in her basement home & skin me for her man-suit, but how many people do you know got candy from adorable Maggie Smith.
(Tears running down my eyes) DON’T DYE ON ME MAGGIE SMITH, YOO SOO KAWAII!!!!!!!!
The Benefactor: (Tears running down my eyes) DON’T DYE ON ME DAKOTA FANNING, YOO SOOO KAWAIII!!!!!!!!! Also, it stars Richard (Up his butt) Gere as some possessive Democrat. Typical romancitc thriller.
Detective Chinatown: For a second I thought this was going to be some kind of ‘Charlie Chan’ stint where some American guy does the ‘Yellow Face’. Actually, it’s a Hong Kong action/comedy where a rejected deputy goes on the run with his relative after they are prime suspects of a murder they did not commit. I hope this gets US distribution. It’s been long since I’ve indulged in Hong Kong cinema.
The Boy: The movie is irritating in every way. Rather than make the doll a walking, talking, killing force, it’s a paranormal horror film with a doll. Also the marketing is irritating, it’s using that “Creepy kids whispering to make moms scared” way of marketing their generic movie. This looks like crap. “Oooh, I’m a creepy kid whispering, you scared bruh?” Choke on broken glass you pasty fuck. Bring back killer doll movies, I need something that will spawn replica based merchandise so I can scare my mom!
I’m the perfect son J
Ip Man 3: Slow down Hong Kong, I haven’t seen the first one!
JeruZalem: An ‘End times’ movie taking place in holy land, how refreshing. But this time IT’S PERSONAL!!!!
Monster Hunt: Remember in ‘Pan’s Labrynth’ when the girl gets the root fetus from the fawn, imagine that little creature with fur & a face. This is what the baby creature of the film looks like. Synopsis: so a human guy & some woman monster touch diddlies in some interspecies sex & create the cute root fetus creature & now everyone wants it. It looks like one of those movies parents would take their kids to & rather than emotionally kick the kids in the nuts, it gets the adults in the theater. I’m interested in this flick.
Monkey Up: To hell with ‘The Revenant’, give this fucking movie the Oscar. Created by the people who made ‘Air Bud’, Ohhhhh my pretentious internet critic is orgasming at this film’s beautifully crafted arte. It stars a monkeh, a fuckin MONKEY!!!!! So the talking monkey (who is a spokeman for some energy drink) is on the run from the greedy corporate masters who want to limit the poor monkey’s dreams & ambitions to be a movie star. Oh my god, this is what filmmaking has lead us to, a beautifully crafted tale of a monkey & his dreams. I will take my friend to see this brilliant movie & it will open their eyes to life & it’s purpose. THIS IS A THINKING MAN’S MOVIE!!!
Martyrs: A remake of a French film people have told me not to watch because it will freak me out. You know when people say this, I usually go out & find a copy.
Perscription Things: A documentary exposing big pharma & the drug industry, you bet your sweet bippy I’ll watch.
Fifty Shades of Black: Marlon Wayans is so messed up, he’s now parodying a movie that’s already a joke. This is like watching a retarded kid get picked on, it’s too low of a blow. I hope his Weinstein ‘Scary Movie’ cash goes to waste so he can stop.
The Finest Hours: Boat go boom. Remember that film ‘The Perfect Storm’? This is the same shit, except Sebastian Junger isn’t writing it. Boatsploitation, that’s apparently a thing.
Kung Fu Panda 3: This is becoming the ‘Shrek’ of the new generation where the first flick surprised everyone, the second one was good, the third kinda sucked & the fourth was a horrible piece of shit. The fourth Kung Fu Panda flick is going to suck, just putting it out there.
Jane Got a Gun: Good for you.
Portrait of a Monogamist: Here’s the rundown on being a monogamist, too much disappointment, resentment & complaining. How do I know this? I don’t.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Remember that ‘Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter’ movie? No? You’re not in the minority. I don’t care much for the books, it looks as if the author just copied the screenplay of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ & replaced every other word with ‘Zombie’. I don’t care, this looks forgettable.
Oh look, classy Victorian women in dresses brandishing knives & swords, “Whoah, slow down there movie! I’ve yet to hear one of these lady’s use modern day slang!”
Hail, Ceasar!: Looks like the Cohens are going back to doing comedy. This has the sweet smell of ‘Hudsucker Proxy’ all over it, a criminally underrated 1994 flick I highly recommend, just don’t look up the movie poster, it spoils the twist.
All Roads Lead To Rome: This movie sucks at geography, I hate it.
4th Man Out: Couldn’t think of a flick more homophobic than ‘I Pronounce you Chuck & Larry’? This film may take it’s place.
“Ohh noo! My best friend admitted he’s guay & now we get into ‘all sorts of funnie troubles’ when he expresses his gayness. Hohoho. Even I’m offended & I’m a straight guy with a Bettie Page obsession.
The Pack: Remember last year when I said I would never watch ‘White God’ due to the intensity of it. Here’s a movie about killer dogs that I might watch. So a dude’s dog decides “Fuck yo species!!” and decided to torment some white haired guy, probably. I might watch it.
Deadpool: Aw hell yeah! Now before I get the weeb hate, I have not read a single Deadpool comic, but this flick looks not only hilarious, but violent as all hell! Also it has Colossus, my second favorite X-Man from X-Men. He’s really Russian in this flick & he looks to have more screen time than in ‘X-Men 2’ where he was played by some non-Russian guy. Sure it looked awesome when he deflected the military’s bullets in the flick, but he was there for a few seconds. Also, if this flick gets a big box office return, this may warrant Marvel Studios to make a true, close to the source ‘Punisher’ flick or TV show. Fingers crossed.
How To Be Single: Here’s how you stay single, be nice to people. Too close for comfort, right? I just went emotionally fucked up there!!! Oh & be ugly, like me.
Zoolander 2: I got nothing, all you 2000’s kids telling me it’s some hilarious masterpiece & how I should watch it. And you’re the same fucks who think that Rob Schnider movie ‘The Hot Chick’ is some piece of comedy excellence. I haven’t watched it. I got nothing, I wasn’t in the group asking for a sequel. I’ll get to Zoolander when I get to it.
The Final Project: Stupid college students getting into haunted houses with cameras, guess that genre!!!!
Cabin Fever: Wait a minuit…. I feel like I’m getting déjà vu here. Isn’t there already a movie called ‘Cabin Fever’ made by some unlikable movie director, but at the same time he was making fun of SJW’s in another movie called ‘The Green Inferno’ which made me want to watch it. Oh lookie, it is!
So we’ve gotten to that point, they’re now remaking movies that were made a decade ago, nice move Hollywood.
Remember: Christopher Plummer & Martin Landau go out to hunt fuckin Nazis, is this not the coolest sounding movie or what? Recently, old people have been kicking ass in movies & it’s not bad. It seemed like yesterday Hollywood was being an ageist piece of crap thinking people over 20 won’t sell movies. The old ladies in ‘Fury Road’ proved that theory wrong.
Where To Invade Next: Michael Moore is still alive? Holy shit bro! I thought he died in the making of that documentary where he ate nothing but Mc. Donalds & being an ignoranus. The only film I watched of his was ‘Bowling For Columbine’, back when he was a documentary filmmaker, now he’s just some fat dude with moobs crying about every little thing for money.
Praying Never Fails: Oh dear god, here we go again. So this movie is about some jerk off caught praying in school & goes to court because he feels they shouldn’t dictate how to run his basketball team. I bet all of us are yelling “SEPERATION OF CHURCH & STATE!!”
Now this is different if you work for a private Christian school, I understand that, but separation of church & state if you go to public school. I told you all about misrepresentation of religion, this is another one of those Christian movies where they sell themselves as the victim, even though in real life they dominate southern states, they find pandering ways to sell people to their religion (Christian Rock, anyone?) & are the main religion these fucktard asshole government representatives worship to spread their hate. Now I’m not saying all Christians are like this, it’s time for the real Christians, the ones that aren’t assholes, to stand up & speak & show the general consensus that these fuckers using religion to satisfy their own means don’t speak for all of religion.
I swear, what is it with me turning fun entries like this into normal Blogababble rants. I should stop.
SLC Punk 2: Punk’s Dead: I’ve been following this from their early ‘Kickstarter’ days. The more I see of this movie, the more I kinda think that this wasn’t such a great idea. It feels forced & expected, whereas the first film came out of nowhere & grew a massive cult following. SLC Punk was a movie I would have loved back in 2008 when I was a flat top kid wearing an ‘Addicts’ shirt. I’m still into punk, but this movie is one of those I’m not all too motivated to see when it comes out. I’ll check it out if it’s on Cable or see it at a bargin bin, but it’s nothing I’m hyped for.
National Parks Adventure 3D: Hey look, a movie for you granola eating sons of bitches! Or a movie for most of us who are too poor to travel to North California so we settle for what we can get.
Already Tommorow in Hong Kong: This looks like some kinda made up, pretentious romance movie the husband in the sitcom would fight tooth & nail to avoid. I can make a better title than that & I suck at titles.
‘Hunky Mc.Foo Foo’s Oriental Overdrive!’ Starring a drunk Orson Wells in yellow face. Oh dear god…..
Oh dear lord. I can’t….
Bad Hurt: A movie opposite to ‘Good Hurt’. Sadly, this doesn’t star John Hurt.
We are Twisted FUCKING Sister: The actual title censored ‘Fucking‘ because they aren‘t edgy enough. We put in the real curse word because we’re edgy like that.
What can I say about a suido biographical movie about Twisted Sister, other than the only people who are going to watch it are 50 something year olds with VD wearing leather jackets who go to the Roxy in Los Angeles & act like they’re hip with it.
Race: A black guy enters the Olympics & faces off against Hitler. AW HELL YEAH MAN!!!! All of my dreams are coming true, Hitler’s gonna get butt stabbed!!!!
This is what dreams are made of folks.
This ends Part one of our foray into commenting about movies. Believe me, we’ve got a lot more movies to cover. I’m barely on Febuary, there are plenty more movies & this includes the indie & mainstream flicks.
So stay tuned for Part Two