Previously on Part One: I had the horrible misfortune of being set up for failure when I found out a 'Pantelion films' was not as original as I thought, but aside from that terrible news I found out Terry Gilliam's cursed production of 'The Man Who Killed Don Quixote' is going to make it to U.S shores after all. Then we are also blessed with the news of a new Gaspar Noe & Neil Jordan film. I guess that's about it.
Before we can get to this next selection of titles, I have to start off with some sad (But now old) news.
Ringo Lam has passed away at the age of 63. If you grew up around the same time as moi, you spent your weekend afternoons in the early to mid-2000's either renting Hong Kong action films or watching them on TV (Either on your local UPN or if you're in the market with a large Latino audience, Telefutura, the sister channel of Univision). Ringo Lam is a name behind a lot of the more memorable action film viewings in my childhood. The man is responsible for (To name a few) City on Fire, the 'Prison on Fire' movies, Full Contact (where Chow Yun Fat faces off against a roided muscle dude, a nymphomaniac slut & a homosexual magician who makes blades appear on his hands. That dude kicks ass!). That's a fun crazy flick I highly recommend to you guys. That film was the birth of what we would call 'Bullet Time'. That's something all you Matrix & Max Payne fanboys need to realize, The Wachowski Bros (Sisters) were inspired by Ringo Lam! Also Ringo was not immune to the offer of making a movie for a huge Hollywood movie, an offer so many other Hong Kong directors took up in the 90's (John Woo, Ang Lee, Tsui Hark). As most of us Hong Kong junkies know most of their U.S content ranged from solid to terrible. Lam's American contribution came in the form of 'Maximum Risk', a pretty good action movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme. That's another one I highly recommend because it does do the whole 'not as wholesome Twin Brother' cliché, but doesn't delve into the tropes of that cliché as you would think. Oh, he also directed 'Twin Dragons' where Jackie Chan plays a sleazy thug & also a respected classical music composer. Not the greatest movie ever made, the double body effects look poor, but it's a fun view on a boring weekend. Lam occupied my boring Saturdays & Sundays when I was a kid & for that I especially thank him for that and he will be truly missed. I highly recommend the titles I just mentioned, especially the two 'Prison on Fire' movies since they aren't your run of the mill action movies. From what I recall they were pretty sad movies because I remember in one there's a character who is denied parole & he just wants to see his son. So he escapes & he's being chased by this demented prison guard on helicopter. It's like one of those 'Women in Prison' movies, but with more of a Hong Kong flare to it & less psycho/sado-sexuality. They're pretty sad movies which is what threw me off back in the day because I was expecting an action movie.
R.I.P
Thank you for the entertainment & thank you for building my tastes in cult cinema.
So we left off on 'Climax', that new Gaspar Noe film. We're in the C's now.
-Captain Marvel = Why is she fighting an old lady? That's the number one question a lot of people are asking. I'll tell you what I told Gail Simone, Captain Marvel beat up an old lady because it's ONE EIGHT SEVEN on an undercover cop.
Apparently the whole film will take place in the 90's, so that answer is appropriate. Also lots of people started reminiscing on 'Blockbuster' because Captain Marvel's ship crash lands on a Blockbuster storefront. I know a lot of you went there as children, but at the end of the day that chain sucked! They bought off all the mom & pop stores, drove the rest of them out of business & had some slimy company policies. If you ask folks who worked for Blockbuster how business was ran, they'll tell you that whole 'No Late Fees' policy they started around their late years was what screwed them over. So fuck blockbuster, I'm all about that independent video store owned by the Chinese family who's son would know what badass movies to check out. I miss 'Best $ Video', that sign is still up & it brings me both nostalgia and sadness.
What can I say, it's Captain Marvel, it's a solo marvel film, of course I'll check it out. Also Samuel L. Jackson (So I think it is) looks the same as he did in the mid-90's. I gotta say that's some not too shabby FX work there. I'm just hoping someday (Maybe it won't happen because the character is pretty obscure) we'll get a Quasar movie. I want a Quasar movie! Quasar gets pregnant in an issue, you ladies would get a kick out of that. It's funnier than that Schwarzenegger movie!
-Us = Jordan Peele's new horror flick about a family who comes across their demented doppelgangers while on vacation. I have not seen 'Get Out', I have the DVD with me but I just haven't had the right motivation to see that film.
The trailers look promising, I will say that of all these trailers that sport ruined covers or remixes of already good songs, I did like that tension filled remix of Luniz's 'Five on It'. This film looks much more interesting than 'Get Out'. My opinion right now, it might change.
To be honest, I won't be surprised if I find out this movie was plagarized. Sorry, it's just I've been foiled by movies that sell themselves as original, only to find out somebody already made the movie decades ago, or it was based on a book or comic strip......INCEPTION & that Scrooge Mc.Duck strip. Then there's the overexposure of Jordan Peele's name as producer. There's that new documentary 'Lorena' about the chick who slived a dude's penis off. That new Twilight Zone show that will be out soon, the promos shove his name in your face. Like, come on! At least let me watch 'Get Out' before you guys start shoving his name up people's bungholes!
I'll check out 'Us', but there's no promise I'll find the children in the story tolerable.
-Superpower Dogs = Hmm, an IMAX documentary about rescue dogs & how they use their talents to save people during earthquakes & avalanches. I had no idea IMAX was still making documentaries. I thought they were busy making 2D movies into weird storybook pop-ups & passing it off as 3D. Still, this film looks up my alley.
One thing I don't get is where do I get those DVD's of these documentaries. I know there's a catalog where teachers order this stuff for classroom viewing, but they offer those docs for waaaaay too much money. $50 for a copy of some dinosaur documentary that I saw on an IMAX theater back in 2000? Thank god a few of them are on YouTube, but not all of them. I'm still looking for that weird & creepy NOVA documentary about the miracle of birth.
Do I have to go to the Science Center in order to buy these movies? I remember that's where they sell those movies on DVD & VHS. Boy, am I dating myself.
-The Beach Bum = A new Harmony Korine film where Matthew McConaughey plays 'Moondog', the cheap non-union Mexican equivalent of Iggy Pop. He looks like Iggy Pop. I have yet to watch 'Spring Breakers', now there's a heavily divisive film. I enjoyed 'Gummo', there was no way I was going to ignore that flick.
Not everyone is into this kind of cinema. I enjoyed what I saw. I don't get the fucking deal with the bacon taped to the wall. What the fuck was up with the bacon taped to the wall? TELL MEE!!!!! I don't know how to say this, but I believe I'm too stupid to understand the subtext of the bacon taped to the bathroom wall.
-El Chicano = The synopsis just says it's a Latino superhero with an all Latino cast. I look through the cast list & the one name that strikes out at me is George Lopez. What is he gonna do, cry to the superhero “My mom never took me to Chuck E. Cheez!!! Whapaahhhh!!! I got dis!!!!”
Shut up, George.
Well, at least it's an 'original' superhero & not this hand-me-down deal that I see with other superheroes where DC & Marvel just say “Here you go, here's this superhero. We're going to turn him ethnic because we need the brownie points.”
The only way that works is if the property is interchangeable with other characters taking over the moniker like Green Lantern or Blue Beetle, or even Robin.
The company producing this film is called 'Briarcliff', never heard of this company. The only other film in their very small filmography is 'Fahrenheit 11/9'. Oh fuck, this is gonna be straight to VOD, right? Just let everyone know, y'all had a chance to see a movie about a Latino superhero, but restricted it to VOD so I don't want to hear this “Why doesn't anyone make ethnic superhero movies!” ya goddamn fucking idiots!
Y'all had the chance to give it an equal share of publicity. Now I'm just hoping it turns out good so people can shut up on both sides.
-Dumbo = I saw the trailer for this when it hit & I have to say it was a pretty sad trailer. Noted the original animated film had its sad moments, but it also sported a ton of happy shit like the cricket & the stereotype black crows.
“When I wishhhh upon a staaaarrr!”
I can't find the clip, but in Spielberg's '1941' there was a scene where the army general (Robert Stack) goes in to town to watch Dumbo in the theater & he's singing and tearing up to that song because he loves that movie so much. I love that scene!
Of course the animated film ends on a happy note, it's a Disney film. This remake, I sense danger looming about. Something tells me the elephant is going to die. That is one where I would like to see the reaction of the audience on opening night. Bunch of women in their 30's going through an emotional roller coaster & just to be troll I want to laugh at the sad moments....but then again that trailer nearly drove me to tears so I might be crying with them. That was a pretty sad trailer, more than that 'A Dog's Purpose' movie (There's going to be a sequel). So yeah, Dumbo, sad elephants, Tim Burton is ready to make all of us his bitch.
I think Burton got tired of us bitching about his movies & shameless remakes so he just decided “Alight, I'm tired of your bitching! I'm going to kill the elephant to spite all of you!” One upside I will say is his newer movies lack Helena Bonham Carter & Johnny Depp. Still, I want a Tim Burton flick that recaptures that brutal darkness of 'Batman Returns'. That is still my all-time favorite Burton movie.
PS: Dumbo in clown make up looked fucking creepy as shit!
Before we can get to this next selection of titles, I have to start off with some sad (But now old) news.
Ringo Lam has passed away at the age of 63. If you grew up around the same time as moi, you spent your weekend afternoons in the early to mid-2000's either renting Hong Kong action films or watching them on TV (Either on your local UPN or if you're in the market with a large Latino audience, Telefutura, the sister channel of Univision). Ringo Lam is a name behind a lot of the more memorable action film viewings in my childhood. The man is responsible for (To name a few) City on Fire, the 'Prison on Fire' movies, Full Contact (where Chow Yun Fat faces off against a roided muscle dude, a nymphomaniac slut & a homosexual magician who makes blades appear on his hands. That dude kicks ass!). That's a fun crazy flick I highly recommend to you guys. That film was the birth of what we would call 'Bullet Time'. That's something all you Matrix & Max Payne fanboys need to realize, The Wachowski Bros (Sisters) were inspired by Ringo Lam! Also Ringo was not immune to the offer of making a movie for a huge Hollywood movie, an offer so many other Hong Kong directors took up in the 90's (John Woo, Ang Lee, Tsui Hark). As most of us Hong Kong junkies know most of their U.S content ranged from solid to terrible. Lam's American contribution came in the form of 'Maximum Risk', a pretty good action movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme. That's another one I highly recommend because it does do the whole 'not as wholesome Twin Brother' cliché, but doesn't delve into the tropes of that cliché as you would think. Oh, he also directed 'Twin Dragons' where Jackie Chan plays a sleazy thug & also a respected classical music composer. Not the greatest movie ever made, the double body effects look poor, but it's a fun view on a boring weekend. Lam occupied my boring Saturdays & Sundays when I was a kid & for that I especially thank him for that and he will be truly missed. I highly recommend the titles I just mentioned, especially the two 'Prison on Fire' movies since they aren't your run of the mill action movies. From what I recall they were pretty sad movies because I remember in one there's a character who is denied parole & he just wants to see his son. So he escapes & he's being chased by this demented prison guard on helicopter. It's like one of those 'Women in Prison' movies, but with more of a Hong Kong flare to it & less psycho/sado-sexuality. They're pretty sad movies which is what threw me off back in the day because I was expecting an action movie.
R.I.P
Thank you for the entertainment & thank you for building my tastes in cult cinema.
So we left off on 'Climax', that new Gaspar Noe film. We're in the C's now.
-Captain Marvel = Why is she fighting an old lady? That's the number one question a lot of people are asking. I'll tell you what I told Gail Simone, Captain Marvel beat up an old lady because it's ONE EIGHT SEVEN on an undercover cop.
Apparently the whole film will take place in the 90's, so that answer is appropriate. Also lots of people started reminiscing on 'Blockbuster' because Captain Marvel's ship crash lands on a Blockbuster storefront. I know a lot of you went there as children, but at the end of the day that chain sucked! They bought off all the mom & pop stores, drove the rest of them out of business & had some slimy company policies. If you ask folks who worked for Blockbuster how business was ran, they'll tell you that whole 'No Late Fees' policy they started around their late years was what screwed them over. So fuck blockbuster, I'm all about that independent video store owned by the Chinese family who's son would know what badass movies to check out. I miss 'Best $ Video', that sign is still up & it brings me both nostalgia and sadness.
What can I say, it's Captain Marvel, it's a solo marvel film, of course I'll check it out. Also Samuel L. Jackson (So I think it is) looks the same as he did in the mid-90's. I gotta say that's some not too shabby FX work there. I'm just hoping someday (Maybe it won't happen because the character is pretty obscure) we'll get a Quasar movie. I want a Quasar movie! Quasar gets pregnant in an issue, you ladies would get a kick out of that. It's funnier than that Schwarzenegger movie!
-Us = Jordan Peele's new horror flick about a family who comes across their demented doppelgangers while on vacation. I have not seen 'Get Out', I have the DVD with me but I just haven't had the right motivation to see that film.
The trailers look promising, I will say that of all these trailers that sport ruined covers or remixes of already good songs, I did like that tension filled remix of Luniz's 'Five on It'. This film looks much more interesting than 'Get Out'. My opinion right now, it might change.
To be honest, I won't be surprised if I find out this movie was plagarized. Sorry, it's just I've been foiled by movies that sell themselves as original, only to find out somebody already made the movie decades ago, or it was based on a book or comic strip......INCEPTION & that Scrooge Mc.Duck strip. Then there's the overexposure of Jordan Peele's name as producer. There's that new documentary 'Lorena' about the chick who slived a dude's penis off. That new Twilight Zone show that will be out soon, the promos shove his name in your face. Like, come on! At least let me watch 'Get Out' before you guys start shoving his name up people's bungholes!
I'll check out 'Us', but there's no promise I'll find the children in the story tolerable.
-Superpower Dogs = Hmm, an IMAX documentary about rescue dogs & how they use their talents to save people during earthquakes & avalanches. I had no idea IMAX was still making documentaries. I thought they were busy making 2D movies into weird storybook pop-ups & passing it off as 3D. Still, this film looks up my alley.
One thing I don't get is where do I get those DVD's of these documentaries. I know there's a catalog where teachers order this stuff for classroom viewing, but they offer those docs for waaaaay too much money. $50 for a copy of some dinosaur documentary that I saw on an IMAX theater back in 2000? Thank god a few of them are on YouTube, but not all of them. I'm still looking for that weird & creepy NOVA documentary about the miracle of birth.
Do I have to go to the Science Center in order to buy these movies? I remember that's where they sell those movies on DVD & VHS. Boy, am I dating myself.
-The Beach Bum = A new Harmony Korine film where Matthew McConaughey plays 'Moondog', the cheap non-union Mexican equivalent of Iggy Pop. He looks like Iggy Pop. I have yet to watch 'Spring Breakers', now there's a heavily divisive film. I enjoyed 'Gummo', there was no way I was going to ignore that flick.
Not everyone is into this kind of cinema. I enjoyed what I saw. I don't get the fucking deal with the bacon taped to the wall. What the fuck was up with the bacon taped to the wall? TELL MEE!!!!! I don't know how to say this, but I believe I'm too stupid to understand the subtext of the bacon taped to the bathroom wall.
-El Chicano = The synopsis just says it's a Latino superhero with an all Latino cast. I look through the cast list & the one name that strikes out at me is George Lopez. What is he gonna do, cry to the superhero “My mom never took me to Chuck E. Cheez!!! Whapaahhhh!!! I got dis!!!!”
Shut up, George.
Well, at least it's an 'original' superhero & not this hand-me-down deal that I see with other superheroes where DC & Marvel just say “Here you go, here's this superhero. We're going to turn him ethnic because we need the brownie points.”
The only way that works is if the property is interchangeable with other characters taking over the moniker like Green Lantern or Blue Beetle, or even Robin.
The company producing this film is called 'Briarcliff', never heard of this company. The only other film in their very small filmography is 'Fahrenheit 11/9'. Oh fuck, this is gonna be straight to VOD, right? Just let everyone know, y'all had a chance to see a movie about a Latino superhero, but restricted it to VOD so I don't want to hear this “Why doesn't anyone make ethnic superhero movies!” ya goddamn fucking idiots!
Y'all had the chance to give it an equal share of publicity. Now I'm just hoping it turns out good so people can shut up on both sides.
-Dumbo = I saw the trailer for this when it hit & I have to say it was a pretty sad trailer. Noted the original animated film had its sad moments, but it also sported a ton of happy shit like the cricket & the stereotype black crows.
“When I wishhhh upon a staaaarrr!”
I can't find the clip, but in Spielberg's '1941' there was a scene where the army general (Robert Stack) goes in to town to watch Dumbo in the theater & he's singing and tearing up to that song because he loves that movie so much. I love that scene!
Of course the animated film ends on a happy note, it's a Disney film. This remake, I sense danger looming about. Something tells me the elephant is going to die. That is one where I would like to see the reaction of the audience on opening night. Bunch of women in their 30's going through an emotional roller coaster & just to be troll I want to laugh at the sad moments....but then again that trailer nearly drove me to tears so I might be crying with them. That was a pretty sad trailer, more than that 'A Dog's Purpose' movie (There's going to be a sequel). So yeah, Dumbo, sad elephants, Tim Burton is ready to make all of us his bitch.
I think Burton got tired of us bitching about his movies & shameless remakes so he just decided “Alight, I'm tired of your bitching! I'm going to kill the elephant to spite all of you!” One upside I will say is his newer movies lack Helena Bonham Carter & Johnny Depp. Still, I want a Tim Burton flick that recaptures that brutal darkness of 'Batman Returns'. That is still my all-time favorite Burton movie.
PS: Dumbo in clown make up looked fucking creepy as shit!
All around me are familiar faces!!!!!
-Captive State = The teaser failed to tell anyone what the film is about, but at the same time it still managed to intrigue me without any story info. I'm glad we are getting more grounded, human based science fiction. In this case we're getting a (Post Trump) totalitarian sci-fi film. Haven't had that dystopian cup in a long while now! This is making my list of 'Must Watch' films. I think now than ever people are more willing to watch a dark film on a totalitarian society than the drivel we had years ago where the dystopian part of a film was just the backdrop & the main focus was on the pretty teenagers trying to survive and compete for each others affections because heaven forbid the romance be the least of their worries in this war they're in!!!!
This film looks like it will be taking an 'arguably' realistic approach. I hope I don't speak too soon.
-Tolkien= I don't like how nowadays we can't have documentary shows or movies where camera people interview those who were there on that time & on that place. Instead people have made docudramas the norm where people would rather let some screenwriter create a three act structure based on an actual person's life. 'Tolkien' is a docudrama in post production right now & it will star Nicholas Hoult as J.R.R Tolkien. Alright, to all the midwest white nerds out there, don't start using your middle earth cuss words at me & start singing death songs at me, but I'm not that big into the 'Lord of the Rings' franchise. Neither the movies, nor the books, yet for some reason I have a leatherbound copy of 'The Hobbit' which I have no desire to read. I have it because I'm a hoarder. I'll let some of you know when I put that up on Ebay. But believe it or not, I would love to see & hear about the man's life. I'd love to see how he thought of that fantasy world & built up those characters, those creatures & that setting for his stories. Believe me, there are authors I despise (Danielle Steele, James Patterson, that one bitch who wrote those Fifty Shades books), Tolkien is nowhere near that list, it's just I'm not into those types of fantasy books. Not that I'm ignorant towards that genre, I'm more into Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman & much more pulpy/sleazy fantasy in the realm of stuff like the Conan The Barbarian. I'm more into Frazetta fantasy, but I'm also not into 'Game of Thrones' which everyone tells me I should watch.
So I'm willing to learn about J.R.R Tolkien's life, I just don't want to sit through Hollywood's bastardization about the man.
-Shazam!= I'm not getting into the whole 'Captain Marvel', DC Marvel Comics argument here. You want to read a nerd's argument on that, go to Reddit & just type 'Captain Marvel name arguement' & avoid the hentai. I haven't seen the trailer, but I can already tell the whole film's humor is going to be the fact that Shazam is a child inside an adult super hero's body & it's all just going to be “Hey look aduience, an adult playing with toys or doing kid's stuff!!! LAUGH!!!!! DIDI MAO!!!! DIDI MAO!!!!” and the Vietcong Hollywood execs start poking the audience with bayonets to force them to laugh.
So Shazam to me is a Shazadon't.......I couldn't think of a clever pun, I'm sorry.
-Pet Semetary = A remake of a movie I am the least bit motivated to see. I saw the ending of the original & I hated the kid's face. He's got a very punchable face, sorry. I'm sure the dude who was in that movie is a nice person, I don't mean any ill will towards him....but this kid had a very punchable face.
Alright, remake........I got nothing, next flick.
-Billboard = A drama in which the owner of a failing independent radio station devises a scheme to earn more listeners by holding a contest where contestants have to live in a catwalk of a billboard. The last person standing wins cash & a mobile home. You bet I'd enter that contest, mobile home for the win & monies for the win!! Of course it's not going to be as that simple of a film. I haven't seen the trailer, but the cast is all people I never heard of. I wanna see this just by the synopsis alone.
-Hellboy = Just call it 'Hellboii' already since all of you want to be so hip with it. From what I've heard they're just trying to make Hellboy into Deadpool & I have no desire to see the trailer because the idea of remaking a movie that is still popular is an insult to art in my view. Guillmero Del Toro did something beautiful to a comic book series that was pretty much an atypical Dark Horse comic. It's not a terrible comic book series, but it's not this groundbreaking masterpiece everyone calls it. Hellboy has a cool design & so does Abe Sapien. Guillmero pretty much made these 2D characters come to life in 3D without that much CGI. Abe & Hellboy were all practical & mass kudos for Ron Pearlman & Doug Jones for sitting through months, if not years on the makeup chair being molded into these comic book characters that we all grew to love. I love those first two movies, this remake is a rape of those two movies & I will not, shall not (Not even out of curiosity or masochism) see this film. I spit on the names of the folks who worked on this film, who's in this film?
Really?! Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy, co-wrote the screenplay?! That's just sad.
-High Life= Remember that dark as hell Disney movie 'The Black Hole'? It's that, but with convicts.
A24, I should check out their content. I got a copy of 'A Most Violent Year' with Oscar Issac, A24 put it out.
-Dogman = This flick isn't about a man who is also a dog.
Jokes aside, this sounds like a grizzly little Giallo. I'll check it out.
-Penguins = This time Disney goes out into the frozen wild to bother some fucking penguins! What's new?
-The Curse of La Llorona = You know, I pick on a lot of folks who get offended easily at stuff & In my 'ahem' ethnic community I'm no supremacist because I decide to be a critical thinker. I saw this trailer &....yea...you're not going to get an argument out of me. CULTURAL APPROPRIATION! Hollywood continues to take ideas from other cultures & rather than being faithful to them, they decide to just add in a bunch of white people & just make a pin by numbers movie that will appeal to basic bitches & blue collar jim bobs shake in their seats. Look, there are films from the past that use the whole “White savior saves ethnic people from threat” deal too much & depending on the film I give a few of them a mulligan (Indiana Jones). It's 2019, we gotta get over this shit & actually cast ethnic actors/actresses for stories that call for them! If you're dealing with Samurais in Japan, hire Japanese actors & actresses. If you're dealing with Pancho Villa & that era in Mexico, hire Mexican actors & actresses. Quit being this cabal full of incest & neopotism!!!
So if you want to be outraged by this film, go ahead. I'll cry Cultural Appropriation with you guys because this shit is getting ridiculous.
But also....really, La Llorona? Of all the Mexican myths & creatures out there you pick the pale bitch that walks around crying as a threat? Growing up hearing of these urban legends, that shit wasn't the least bit scary. At least La Chupacabra is this hairy beast that runs around eating sheep & maybe even people. You idiots & your fear of pale Asian children coming out of Television sets. Get your priorities in check!
-Under The Silver Lake = I checked out the poster & I seriously thought I made that poster because it looks like something I would do for 'BlackTime E-Press'. I shit ye not, the poster looks like something I would create for one of my stories! Then again, maybe A24 hired me to do a poster while I was in a waking food coma.
-Captive State = The teaser failed to tell anyone what the film is about, but at the same time it still managed to intrigue me without any story info. I'm glad we are getting more grounded, human based science fiction. In this case we're getting a (Post Trump) totalitarian sci-fi film. Haven't had that dystopian cup in a long while now! This is making my list of 'Must Watch' films. I think now than ever people are more willing to watch a dark film on a totalitarian society than the drivel we had years ago where the dystopian part of a film was just the backdrop & the main focus was on the pretty teenagers trying to survive and compete for each others affections because heaven forbid the romance be the least of their worries in this war they're in!!!!
This film looks like it will be taking an 'arguably' realistic approach. I hope I don't speak too soon.
-Tolkien= I don't like how nowadays we can't have documentary shows or movies where camera people interview those who were there on that time & on that place. Instead people have made docudramas the norm where people would rather let some screenwriter create a three act structure based on an actual person's life. 'Tolkien' is a docudrama in post production right now & it will star Nicholas Hoult as J.R.R Tolkien. Alright, to all the midwest white nerds out there, don't start using your middle earth cuss words at me & start singing death songs at me, but I'm not that big into the 'Lord of the Rings' franchise. Neither the movies, nor the books, yet for some reason I have a leatherbound copy of 'The Hobbit' which I have no desire to read. I have it because I'm a hoarder. I'll let some of you know when I put that up on Ebay. But believe it or not, I would love to see & hear about the man's life. I'd love to see how he thought of that fantasy world & built up those characters, those creatures & that setting for his stories. Believe me, there are authors I despise (Danielle Steele, James Patterson, that one bitch who wrote those Fifty Shades books), Tolkien is nowhere near that list, it's just I'm not into those types of fantasy books. Not that I'm ignorant towards that genre, I'm more into Terry Pratchett, Neil Gaiman & much more pulpy/sleazy fantasy in the realm of stuff like the Conan The Barbarian. I'm more into Frazetta fantasy, but I'm also not into 'Game of Thrones' which everyone tells me I should watch.
So I'm willing to learn about J.R.R Tolkien's life, I just don't want to sit through Hollywood's bastardization about the man.
-Shazam!= I'm not getting into the whole 'Captain Marvel', DC Marvel Comics argument here. You want to read a nerd's argument on that, go to Reddit & just type 'Captain Marvel name arguement' & avoid the hentai. I haven't seen the trailer, but I can already tell the whole film's humor is going to be the fact that Shazam is a child inside an adult super hero's body & it's all just going to be “Hey look aduience, an adult playing with toys or doing kid's stuff!!! LAUGH!!!!! DIDI MAO!!!! DIDI MAO!!!!” and the Vietcong Hollywood execs start poking the audience with bayonets to force them to laugh.
So Shazam to me is a Shazadon't.......I couldn't think of a clever pun, I'm sorry.
-Pet Semetary = A remake of a movie I am the least bit motivated to see. I saw the ending of the original & I hated the kid's face. He's got a very punchable face, sorry. I'm sure the dude who was in that movie is a nice person, I don't mean any ill will towards him....but this kid had a very punchable face.
Alright, remake........I got nothing, next flick.
-Billboard = A drama in which the owner of a failing independent radio station devises a scheme to earn more listeners by holding a contest where contestants have to live in a catwalk of a billboard. The last person standing wins cash & a mobile home. You bet I'd enter that contest, mobile home for the win & monies for the win!! Of course it's not going to be as that simple of a film. I haven't seen the trailer, but the cast is all people I never heard of. I wanna see this just by the synopsis alone.
-Hellboy = Just call it 'Hellboii' already since all of you want to be so hip with it. From what I've heard they're just trying to make Hellboy into Deadpool & I have no desire to see the trailer because the idea of remaking a movie that is still popular is an insult to art in my view. Guillmero Del Toro did something beautiful to a comic book series that was pretty much an atypical Dark Horse comic. It's not a terrible comic book series, but it's not this groundbreaking masterpiece everyone calls it. Hellboy has a cool design & so does Abe Sapien. Guillmero pretty much made these 2D characters come to life in 3D without that much CGI. Abe & Hellboy were all practical & mass kudos for Ron Pearlman & Doug Jones for sitting through months, if not years on the makeup chair being molded into these comic book characters that we all grew to love. I love those first two movies, this remake is a rape of those two movies & I will not, shall not (Not even out of curiosity or masochism) see this film. I spit on the names of the folks who worked on this film, who's in this film?
Really?! Mike Mignola, the creator of Hellboy, co-wrote the screenplay?! That's just sad.
-High Life= Remember that dark as hell Disney movie 'The Black Hole'? It's that, but with convicts.
A24, I should check out their content. I got a copy of 'A Most Violent Year' with Oscar Issac, A24 put it out.
-Dogman = This flick isn't about a man who is also a dog.
Jokes aside, this sounds like a grizzly little Giallo. I'll check it out.
-Penguins = This time Disney goes out into the frozen wild to bother some fucking penguins! What's new?
-The Curse of La Llorona = You know, I pick on a lot of folks who get offended easily at stuff & In my 'ahem' ethnic community I'm no supremacist because I decide to be a critical thinker. I saw this trailer &....yea...you're not going to get an argument out of me. CULTURAL APPROPRIATION! Hollywood continues to take ideas from other cultures & rather than being faithful to them, they decide to just add in a bunch of white people & just make a pin by numbers movie that will appeal to basic bitches & blue collar jim bobs shake in their seats. Look, there are films from the past that use the whole “White savior saves ethnic people from threat” deal too much & depending on the film I give a few of them a mulligan (Indiana Jones). It's 2019, we gotta get over this shit & actually cast ethnic actors/actresses for stories that call for them! If you're dealing with Samurais in Japan, hire Japanese actors & actresses. If you're dealing with Pancho Villa & that era in Mexico, hire Mexican actors & actresses. Quit being this cabal full of incest & neopotism!!!
So if you want to be outraged by this film, go ahead. I'll cry Cultural Appropriation with you guys because this shit is getting ridiculous.
But also....really, La Llorona? Of all the Mexican myths & creatures out there you pick the pale bitch that walks around crying as a threat? Growing up hearing of these urban legends, that shit wasn't the least bit scary. At least La Chupacabra is this hairy beast that runs around eating sheep & maybe even people. You idiots & your fear of pale Asian children coming out of Television sets. Get your priorities in check!
-Under The Silver Lake = I checked out the poster & I seriously thought I made that poster because it looks like something I would do for 'BlackTime E-Press'. I shit ye not, the poster looks like something I would create for one of my stories! Then again, maybe A24 hired me to do a poster while I was in a waking food coma.
…..Now I'm scared.
-Little Woods = Described as a 'Modern Western', I'm sold.
-Avengers: Endgame = I don't care! Next flick.
-UglyDolls = Ahahahah, look at the funny looking dolls! Oh I bet you this is gonna be the funniest movie ever ma.....”Pitbull will pen & perform a new song, as well as lend his voice to one of the key characters”.......This shit's gonna suck.
Pitbull is like the clap for Music. No matter how hard you scratch or pray, he's not going anywhere. It's 2019, how in fuck is Pitbull still selling music?
CCCUUUULLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Wine Country = A movie so above the poverty line & past middle aged that it asked me to speak to my manager. Directed & starring Amy Poehler, this whole movie is a whole lot of Leslie NOPE!
Remember that shitty movie 'Baby Mama'? Yeah, that movie sucked.
-A Dog's Journey: Rememebr that movie 'A Dog's Purpose' that I refused to watch because I'll admit I'm a fucking emotional wreck when bad things happen to dogs & cats in movies (Unless they are done in a very comedic way. For instance when they blew up the cat in 'Christmas Vacation'.). Yeah, you bet this fucking movie is also a whole lotta NOPE.
-John Wick 3: Parabellum = Oh you bet I'm hyped for this sequel. After calling 'John Wick 2' a better film than the first (Sorry guys, the first one was cool & all but that sequel was much more harsh, & bloodier than the first), this film is on my 'MUST GOTTA WATCH IN THE THEATERS' list of this year. Not a lot of competition (That I know of right now) with movies that I really want to see in the theater, this one qualifies. I won't spoil the second film, but this film will pick up from the craziness that transpired in that second film.
I believe it's appropriate to say this isn't a fictional movie. After seeing that video of Keanu Reeves at the gun range, I truly believe those movies are documentaries in which nobody told Keanu they were filming. Dude knows how to riddle bad guys with bullets before they touch the ground.
It's also fair to say these films are like men's adventure paperbacks put into the big screen. From the in & out action sequences that are kinetic to the way it builds on this underground world where we find out more of the rules & guidelines these criminals have set up. These are action movies I feel are what every action movie in the 2010's should have been. Sadly we had way more shaky camera action movies & more action movies that use actors/actresses who aren't cut out for action films. Remember Taylor Lautner for that horrid 'Abduction' movie. The filmmakers & studio folks thought he was going to be the next Jean Claude Van Damme! Thankfully both Keanu & Charlize Theron are both king & queen of action films. 'Atomic Blonde' & 'Fury Road' is on that list of awesome action movies of the 2010's!
-Aladdin = Will Smith as Genie, what else can go wrong? EVERYTHING!
Look, I wasn't expecting a huge CGI blue guy, but I also wasn't expecting Will Smith. Remember when Will Smith used to cause so much audience hype? Ohhhh those were the dayyyzzzzz!!!!! Now whenever everyone sees his name it's one big huge groan of pain as we all remind ourselves of both 'The Karate Kid' & 'After Earth'. He tried to buy his kids Hollywood stardom. Jayden Smith can't act, he always makes that face that 2 year olds get when they want to poop & he makes pretentious as fuck posts on Twitter. You're not thought provoking, you're just annoying!
So Aladdin, Disney sure loves to milk their properties like the cash cows they are. You know what I would enjoy more than watching a bastardized 'live action' (99% of it mostly Computer generated animation) remake of a line animated cartoon? A RE-RELEASE!
-Brightburn = A startiling, subversive take on a radical new genre: superhero horror!
Oh my god....really?
Wowe, how original. Yeah, it would have been if it wasn't for the fact that 'The New Mutants' (A marvel film) was announced a a year ago! This just sounds like a studio taking advantage of the misfortune of Disney forcing re-shoots on New Mutants. This film is obviously a cash grab & it's trying to be released before the release date of NM.
Yeah, Superhero horror. I find this statement very stupid. My mistake, beyond stupid. If you dropped Superman into the Romero zombie universe, he'll survive! So putting superheroes into horror situations leaves no tension whatsoever, but I've read comics that did the concept beautifully. Grant Morrison's 'Batman: Arkham Asylum' pretty much put Batman into the Asylum & it was less him fighting mental patients & it was more psychological as the inhabitants question his sanity & how he's just act crazy as they are. I highly recommend that one.
-Booksmart = So this movie is about a bunch of girls who have regrets of not having as much fun in their teen years & decide to have a fun night out before their graduation.
I'd like to say this is original, but it isn't. I will say it's relatable...gonna get personal here but as a teenager I spent way too much time being occupied with studies, appeasing my parents with high grades who never took into consideration that I was working so hard & trying my best that I never really had fun or friends who invited me out. While most of you were at parties, drinking, smoking herb & making out with sluts, I was at home reading books, watching shit television & thinking 'Is this shit even worth it?'
On graduation night while everyone was at Disneyland having a time of their life or partying at some club, I was at home playing 'Turok 2' all by myself in a dark room. Not to throw my parents under the bus, but I kinda hold them responsible for this because I could never do anything without them criticizing, making me feel like shit for wanting to do something that makes me happy & giving me anxieties about stuff that other people my age were accepting of. Then here comes my older sister's graduation, she asks my parents for permission to go out on Grad Night & she got permission, no strings attached! All of you with strict parents will get this, when you are invited to something & out of a reflex you don't even attempt to ask your parents for permission & just outright lie to your friends because you already know your parents will just say no.
'Sigh', this is why many of us get depressed & become hermits.
Alright, I'm off the soapbox. So this movie isn't original, back in the mid to late 2000's there was a movie about these Asian teens who decide to fuck off with their studies & grades in exchange to party & get wasted in high school. The thing about that movie was all the main characters were Asian, so the idea of ditching academic responsibility has much more clout than done with Caucasian characters. I wish I knew the title, but it wasn't some fly by night indie film, I think it was released by MTV Pictures. Let me look it up.
[One Google Search Later]
Alright, I believe the movie is called 'Better Luck Tommorow', but this one is much darker than I remembered it. Still, it's about over achievers who want more out of life than math. Also this is a pickup from the Sundance Film Festival. MTV Films picking up a film from Sundance! Imagine that shit happening today? Those Johnny Knoxville movies are fucking trash.
I guess that does it for Part III and I am almost done here. I'm skipping a lot of big movie I have no opinion on, one of them being a spinoff for The Fast & The Furious. After I'm done with this list I got a few Blogbabble entries I want to get to & after that I'm on my way to further improve on the site because as of recent the numbers have dropped. Thanks a lot, Facebook. I'm working on a few things that I feel will improve the site. Don't get anxious, I'm not going to charge you to read free stuff, nor am I starting a Patreon, but I am working on something in which you guys can support me monetarily.
More big news, I am just getting to 'Os Immortale'. If you are reading this Irene, I am so damn sorry it took me this long to get to that file you sent me a long while back. I think I was still 24 when you sent me that. Life has been getting in the way & also I suffer form this thing all artists suffer from where priorities are screwed up to where I will start something new & when a newer idea takes over I work on that & it just carries me away.
As a token of apology I will publish this when I make some well needed adjustments to the site & I also made some cover/advertising artwork for this story she sent me. So don't worry, I will get to that.
So follow my personal/business page on Twitter. Facebook is so full of shit it's not even funny anymore. So Twitter is the last refuge of free speech, or free visual speech. Facebook is so twisted, I've seen videos of women getting their anuses tattooed & a video of cartels shoving a dude in a trunk of a mustang, the guy drops off the trunk & the mustang makes a U-turn to run over the poor guy in graphic detail. His head blew up like a balloon full of chunky tomato soup! Yeah, that shit is on Facebook right now for everyone to watch, but heaven forbid I post a picture of an elegant woman embracing her femininity & sexuality. The photo contained no nipples, no lips, no nudity of any kind & I got the ban hammer for it. I even requested a review & nothing came of it. FUCK YOU MARK ZUCKERBERG you fucking alien freak of nature! Go to the middle of the street, take a shit & get run over by a fucking truck you fucking punk ass cunt.
Until next time, enjoy this savage land we call the land of the free.
Email: blacktime.epress@aol.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/BlackTimeEPress/
Twitter: (Both Personal/Business joint) https://twitter.com/BlacktimeEPress
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/blacktime-e-press
Site: www.blacktimepress.weeby.com
-Little Woods = Described as a 'Modern Western', I'm sold.
-Avengers: Endgame = I don't care! Next flick.
-UglyDolls = Ahahahah, look at the funny looking dolls! Oh I bet you this is gonna be the funniest movie ever ma.....”Pitbull will pen & perform a new song, as well as lend his voice to one of the key characters”.......This shit's gonna suck.
Pitbull is like the clap for Music. No matter how hard you scratch or pray, he's not going anywhere. It's 2019, how in fuck is Pitbull still selling music?
CCCUUUULLOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Wine Country = A movie so above the poverty line & past middle aged that it asked me to speak to my manager. Directed & starring Amy Poehler, this whole movie is a whole lot of Leslie NOPE!
Remember that shitty movie 'Baby Mama'? Yeah, that movie sucked.
-A Dog's Journey: Rememebr that movie 'A Dog's Purpose' that I refused to watch because I'll admit I'm a fucking emotional wreck when bad things happen to dogs & cats in movies (Unless they are done in a very comedic way. For instance when they blew up the cat in 'Christmas Vacation'.). Yeah, you bet this fucking movie is also a whole lotta NOPE.
-John Wick 3: Parabellum = Oh you bet I'm hyped for this sequel. After calling 'John Wick 2' a better film than the first (Sorry guys, the first one was cool & all but that sequel was much more harsh, & bloodier than the first), this film is on my 'MUST GOTTA WATCH IN THE THEATERS' list of this year. Not a lot of competition (That I know of right now) with movies that I really want to see in the theater, this one qualifies. I won't spoil the second film, but this film will pick up from the craziness that transpired in that second film.
I believe it's appropriate to say this isn't a fictional movie. After seeing that video of Keanu Reeves at the gun range, I truly believe those movies are documentaries in which nobody told Keanu they were filming. Dude knows how to riddle bad guys with bullets before they touch the ground.
It's also fair to say these films are like men's adventure paperbacks put into the big screen. From the in & out action sequences that are kinetic to the way it builds on this underground world where we find out more of the rules & guidelines these criminals have set up. These are action movies I feel are what every action movie in the 2010's should have been. Sadly we had way more shaky camera action movies & more action movies that use actors/actresses who aren't cut out for action films. Remember Taylor Lautner for that horrid 'Abduction' movie. The filmmakers & studio folks thought he was going to be the next Jean Claude Van Damme! Thankfully both Keanu & Charlize Theron are both king & queen of action films. 'Atomic Blonde' & 'Fury Road' is on that list of awesome action movies of the 2010's!
-Aladdin = Will Smith as Genie, what else can go wrong? EVERYTHING!
Look, I wasn't expecting a huge CGI blue guy, but I also wasn't expecting Will Smith. Remember when Will Smith used to cause so much audience hype? Ohhhh those were the dayyyzzzzz!!!!! Now whenever everyone sees his name it's one big huge groan of pain as we all remind ourselves of both 'The Karate Kid' & 'After Earth'. He tried to buy his kids Hollywood stardom. Jayden Smith can't act, he always makes that face that 2 year olds get when they want to poop & he makes pretentious as fuck posts on Twitter. You're not thought provoking, you're just annoying!
So Aladdin, Disney sure loves to milk their properties like the cash cows they are. You know what I would enjoy more than watching a bastardized 'live action' (99% of it mostly Computer generated animation) remake of a line animated cartoon? A RE-RELEASE!
-Brightburn = A startiling, subversive take on a radical new genre: superhero horror!
Oh my god....really?
Wowe, how original. Yeah, it would have been if it wasn't for the fact that 'The New Mutants' (A marvel film) was announced a a year ago! This just sounds like a studio taking advantage of the misfortune of Disney forcing re-shoots on New Mutants. This film is obviously a cash grab & it's trying to be released before the release date of NM.
Yeah, Superhero horror. I find this statement very stupid. My mistake, beyond stupid. If you dropped Superman into the Romero zombie universe, he'll survive! So putting superheroes into horror situations leaves no tension whatsoever, but I've read comics that did the concept beautifully. Grant Morrison's 'Batman: Arkham Asylum' pretty much put Batman into the Asylum & it was less him fighting mental patients & it was more psychological as the inhabitants question his sanity & how he's just act crazy as they are. I highly recommend that one.
-Booksmart = So this movie is about a bunch of girls who have regrets of not having as much fun in their teen years & decide to have a fun night out before their graduation.
I'd like to say this is original, but it isn't. I will say it's relatable...gonna get personal here but as a teenager I spent way too much time being occupied with studies, appeasing my parents with high grades who never took into consideration that I was working so hard & trying my best that I never really had fun or friends who invited me out. While most of you were at parties, drinking, smoking herb & making out with sluts, I was at home reading books, watching shit television & thinking 'Is this shit even worth it?'
On graduation night while everyone was at Disneyland having a time of their life or partying at some club, I was at home playing 'Turok 2' all by myself in a dark room. Not to throw my parents under the bus, but I kinda hold them responsible for this because I could never do anything without them criticizing, making me feel like shit for wanting to do something that makes me happy & giving me anxieties about stuff that other people my age were accepting of. Then here comes my older sister's graduation, she asks my parents for permission to go out on Grad Night & she got permission, no strings attached! All of you with strict parents will get this, when you are invited to something & out of a reflex you don't even attempt to ask your parents for permission & just outright lie to your friends because you already know your parents will just say no.
'Sigh', this is why many of us get depressed & become hermits.
Alright, I'm off the soapbox. So this movie isn't original, back in the mid to late 2000's there was a movie about these Asian teens who decide to fuck off with their studies & grades in exchange to party & get wasted in high school. The thing about that movie was all the main characters were Asian, so the idea of ditching academic responsibility has much more clout than done with Caucasian characters. I wish I knew the title, but it wasn't some fly by night indie film, I think it was released by MTV Pictures. Let me look it up.
[One Google Search Later]
Alright, I believe the movie is called 'Better Luck Tommorow', but this one is much darker than I remembered it. Still, it's about over achievers who want more out of life than math. Also this is a pickup from the Sundance Film Festival. MTV Films picking up a film from Sundance! Imagine that shit happening today? Those Johnny Knoxville movies are fucking trash.
I guess that does it for Part III and I am almost done here. I'm skipping a lot of big movie I have no opinion on, one of them being a spinoff for The Fast & The Furious. After I'm done with this list I got a few Blogbabble entries I want to get to & after that I'm on my way to further improve on the site because as of recent the numbers have dropped. Thanks a lot, Facebook. I'm working on a few things that I feel will improve the site. Don't get anxious, I'm not going to charge you to read free stuff, nor am I starting a Patreon, but I am working on something in which you guys can support me monetarily.
More big news, I am just getting to 'Os Immortale'. If you are reading this Irene, I am so damn sorry it took me this long to get to that file you sent me a long while back. I think I was still 24 when you sent me that. Life has been getting in the way & also I suffer form this thing all artists suffer from where priorities are screwed up to where I will start something new & when a newer idea takes over I work on that & it just carries me away.
As a token of apology I will publish this when I make some well needed adjustments to the site & I also made some cover/advertising artwork for this story she sent me. So don't worry, I will get to that.
So follow my personal/business page on Twitter. Facebook is so full of shit it's not even funny anymore. So Twitter is the last refuge of free speech, or free visual speech. Facebook is so twisted, I've seen videos of women getting their anuses tattooed & a video of cartels shoving a dude in a trunk of a mustang, the guy drops off the trunk & the mustang makes a U-turn to run over the poor guy in graphic detail. His head blew up like a balloon full of chunky tomato soup! Yeah, that shit is on Facebook right now for everyone to watch, but heaven forbid I post a picture of an elegant woman embracing her femininity & sexuality. The photo contained no nipples, no lips, no nudity of any kind & I got the ban hammer for it. I even requested a review & nothing came of it. FUCK YOU MARK ZUCKERBERG you fucking alien freak of nature! Go to the middle of the street, take a shit & get run over by a fucking truck you fucking punk ass cunt.
Until next time, enjoy this savage land we call the land of the free.
Email: blacktime.epress@aol.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/BlackTimeEPress/
Twitter: (Both Personal/Business joint) https://twitter.com/BlacktimeEPress
Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/blacktime-e-press
Site: www.blacktimepress.weeby.com