So here we go. 2019 movies!
Oh yeah, & here's last year's recap of the films!........Y'all already know by now, I don't go to the movies. Just like video games, I'm catching up on the last 100 or so decades of entertainment. Happiness is a phantom butterfly.
-Escape Room= From the scores (Ignoring 'Rotten Tomatoes' because them peoples don't kow shiite), it was a decent movie. Nothing to write home about. One critic (Michael Ordona from Common Sense Media) called it, “Saw with dulled teeth.”
Haven't seen the film, but all I can tell you is this film doesn't look all that original. That quote 'Saw with dulled teeth' also doesn't help that the film is PG-13. Look, I know I've been on this crusade of “Back in mahhh day R-rated movies used ta have ballz!” In the many years I've been writing stories, watching & viewing movies I've learned that you don't have be graphic to make a mature story. So a film like this doesn't need gore or shock imagery to convey that any of these characters are in serious peril.
All I gotta say is the idea of having people trapped in a room isn't original, but I'll give it a chance. Beleive me, after sitting through that bullcrap 'Scissors' with Sharon Stone, I'm willing to check anything else out. Why did the 90's audience think seeing Sharon Stone get raped was a good idea? Why 1990's America? Why?
-The Upside = Hal from 'Malcom In The Middle' gets paralyzed from the neck up so he hires black Rob Schneider (Kevin Hart) to help him live his paralyzed life. I've seen the promos for this & I had no idea this was a comedy. I could of sworn I saw a promo that advertised this as a heavy Oscar baity drama. I don't even know what else to say, Kevin Hart is trying to do what every comedy person does, try to tackle drama & very few are able to transition into that. I'm not saying all comedians or actors known for being in funny shows/movies should stay in a comedy bubble. There have been actors who have been able to pull off dramatic roles & have gone on to win awards for it. Robin Williams being one who has done exceptionally well in dramas, but then that spawned the joke of “If he has a beard, then that means his role is going to be dramatic.” Then we get to Adam Sandler who hit a fluke with one movie (Punch Drunk Love & to an extent 'Spanglish'), then afterwards everything else (Except 'Funny People') was just the same unfunny crap. Then there's one man who never got the chance to explore his acting ability & that was Chris Tucker. We see him for a few minutes in 'Jackie Brown' & even before you had him bring a solid performance to a meaty role in 'Dead Presidents'. Everything after those two flicks was just loud & I'll admit I did enjoy him as the funny man in the first two 'Rush Hour' films, but he got typecast as that loud sidekick. He's capable of so much more!
I'm sorry, I don't see Kevin handling a dramatic role.
-Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom = Everything that is wrong with bad kids films is encapsulated in 'Norm Of The North'. From the plot to the characters, that film was universally panned, yet it must have made enough of a profit that we're getting a sequel to that miserable piece of generic junk. Replacing Rob Schneider is Andy Toth, because even this low budget crap is too good for an unfunny Ex-SNL, Anti-vaxx, racist. At least that's an improvement, but when the animation looks like 'Food Fight', then that's a major downgrade. I can't even sit here & say 'It's for the Kids' because I doubt even kids will want to divert their attentions from Marvel movies & Disney features to sit through this crap! This is for nobody!!!
Luckily this film is VOD, so the only people who are going to watch this are your parents shopping at a supermarket who decide to check out the Redbox selection of movies. On a choice between this film & that 'How To Train Your Dragon' ripoff, I'd choose the ripoff.
-Replicas= We're still in February & already this film is called the biggest flop of the year. Keanu Reeves cloning his family after a car crash & having a corporation chasing him after he stole some expensive & privately owned equipment, how could this be bad? Now it's not the most original idea, but this sounds like a fun, Saturday afternoon movie. Then again, I've been severely dissapointed at movies I thought were going to be a fun romp (Action Jackson) which sadly ended in boring frustration for me. Only in Hollywood can someone end up fucking up a movie that takes little to no effort to make fun & interesting.
-Perfect Strangers (Aka: Perfectos Desconocidos) = These past few years I've been bitching about 'Pantaleon Films', the American distributor of Mexican produced films. They are owned by 'Lionsgate' and have released very many films that are just big budget, mediocre Hollywood films with Mexican casts & crews. They do nothing to stand out, no originality, just typical bullcrap that Hollywood has been shoving down our throats since forever. At least French cinema, British cinema, Indian cinema & even Nigerian cinema have their own identity, both visual & storytelling wise. Mexican cinema (NOW) has lost its idetity & not even the small, shot on video, made for home distribution movies hold up to the golden age of Mexican cinema from its dawn till the 80's. This film, surprising to say, sounds very interesting. I've seen the promos for it & it looks like one of those films that starts off as a fun, at times quirky, comedy which then descends to heavy drama & tragedy. Of course I might be wrong but there's a possibility that this film might be more than just a comedy, but a comedy with heart & characters. For starters it's a fairly small scaled film where most of it looks like it will mostly take place around the dinner table or around the mansion setting. That's something I miss in films, where filmmakers & writers find ways of making stories entertaining despite limitations.
So 'Perfect Strangers' (In no relation to that terrible 80's sitcom) is about a dinner party going arwy & crazy after guests decide to play a game where they place their cellphones into the center of the dinner table & every guest reads the other person's texts aloud or answers the other person's phone calls as they please. This sounds like it's gonna end badly & I really want to see how badly it ends. Will it end with a fight or death? I'm hoping for the latter. It is safe to say that this is a Pantelion film I actually want to see? Now I'm just getting weary of the grim fate that this film is a remake of some other foreign film......Let me check.
-One IMDB search later-
YOU FUCKING PIECES OF UNORIGINAL SHIT!!! THIS IS A REMAKE OF A 2017 FILM FROM ESPANA. SPAIN!!!!! Fuck Pantelion. I hope all of y'all hacks choke on a bubonic plague rat penis. But Spain's version was also remade from a 2016 Italian film of the same title. Jesus H.R Muffin Top of a D&D chick, it's all just a circle jerk of unoriginality at this point! Well, I'm gonna be nihilist here. Mexicans can't have good movies anymore. We're of a bankrupt pop culture, fuck the industry!
-Dragon Ball Super: Broly = Alright, time for the anime community to burn me an effigy or their stiff body pillows.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
How many times can this franchise recycle the same plot over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over again, before the audience gets tired? After the ending of 'Dragon Ball Z', that was it for me. I bared through all the padding, all the reaction shots & the looped fighting for that satisfying ending. So when the ending hit, it was an ending you can sit back & admire. Especially the Manga's ending where Goku fights off against this one kid & decides to stop the fight to train him because Goku is cool like that. That was an ending that we can sit back, smile & feel great about. Then we get 'Dragon Ball GT' which was nice to see older versions of the characters we grew fond of, but then they decided to do the idiotic move to regress Goku as a kid. That was it, Dragon Ball & Dragon Ball Z have enough episodes in them for decade long reruns. Then 'Dragon Ball Z: Battle of the Gods' came out, we were hyped to see a DBZ movie to bring back those characters, still older & now fighting off against some purple cat man. I was hyped, until I saw the movie & noticed they were using that film as a prologue to another movie where Freezia comes back in gold, which leads to the still currently running on [Adult Swim] 'DBZ: Super'. How many times are we gonna see Goku fight Freezia? He died twice already, noted the second time he was killed by Trunks like a fucking OG! Now he's back & golden? Fuck you! I already saw him die twice, quit bringing Freezia back!!!
I don't watch 'Super', so why would I care about this flick that tweaks the continuity just like all the other Dragon Ball movies? Noted, the only Dragon Ball Z movie I actually enjoyed was 'The History of Trunks'. That one was pretty cool because it was an alternate future story where we get to see Trunks in a Mad Max type earth avenging the death of Gohan. Let's admit it, we all cried when Gohan died & Trunks couldn't handle the loss.
So this movie can go choke on a caterpillar dick. I don't care anymore. It's all the same shit. Earth never gets a break, it's always under the threat of an overpowered person & Goku always has to train harder & harder & harder while Krillin dies again & again & again & again & again. I know there's original anime out there, I just need to shovel out the crap to get to that. I'm done with the Dragon Ball franchise. Just so burnt out. Instead I'm gonna watch 'History of Trunks' again.
-Glass= Already people are saying this is theeeeee worst M.Night Shyamalan film ever made. Worse than 'After Earth'? Worse than 'The Last Airbender'? Worse than 'The Happening'? Worse than 'Devil'? Or as I like to call it “Satan Chillin' in the Elevator. Flirting wit the hynas.”
So is it to any surprise I've never seen 'Unbreakable'?
--Who Will Write Our History = A documentary about Polish Jews trying to preserve history & document what really happened in the Warsaw Ghettos. I don't normally say this, but this is a film we all need to see, especially the bigots. With the way the world & society has been going, it seems like everyone's head is up their own ass & they believe whatever the fuck their pea sized brains wants to believe.
“Oh, Nazis were a made up conspiracy so jews can run the entertainment industry, okay then, so they were!”
That's the type of stupid thinking that comes across as fact to these idiots. Learn some real history or else we're leaving history up to be rewritten by drunk people, fascists, ebonics speaking teenagers & retarded ass Tila Tequila.
-The Kid Who Would Be King = This just looks like a movie that was written in the mid-2000's & was never picked up, until now. For some reason this has 'Kid in King Arthur's Court' vibes all over it. Maybe it's the medieval theme.
Eh, it's for the kids. It's been a long while since there has been a live-action kid's movie. It's British, seems like Britain is the only English speaking place where they aren't such nannies about kid's media, unlike here in the states.
“Oh mah gawd! Little jimmy saw a moth in a cartoon. We have to petition so we can ban moths from kid's media!” This is how '4 Kids' happened.
-Miss Bala= I've seen that promo where you get Gina Rodriguez talking about how this whole film is 90% Latino cast & crew & how this movie is a step up in Latino representation. Yeah, would of helped more if the director was latino & talented....Catherine Hardwicke, director of Twilight & The Nativity Story. Okay, to be honest she also directed 'Thirteen'. It has one of those 'Sundance Film Festival Selections' logos on the poster, then that means it's good, right?
Miss Bala would have been on my mandatory 'To Watch' lists, except for the fact that it's just a high budgeted narco movie. I'm so fucking tired of Narco movies. This is like in the 2000's when the only representation of Latino movies were just those cholo movies & illegal immigrant movies. I'm not going to bitch about the fact that you have all the other Latinos in this film, except very few Mexicans, because at this point Hollywood is still a xenophobic industry, despite all those liberal stances they always take just to get brownie points with the audience.
This film would of worked if it were made by 'Robert Rodriguez' or actually outsourced the film to Mexico & let one of their mainstream directors take on the film. Or better yet, you have these independent filmmakers who sent in films to Sundance that crave that big break. Why not give them the opportunity to make that film work? Aside from all those bullshit, made for home video narco movies done in such micro budgets by pretentious idiots who hire family as actors (& we all know hiring family & friends as actors for movies made with the intent on making money is a recipe for failure), we had some good, realistic narco movies from Mexico that never get the appreciation because let's face it, the people who are into narco movies in Mexico would rather watch the fake bullshit than the real truth. Those fake movies are just lowest common denominator entertainment. Should I put 'Miss Bala' into that category? No, but neither should I put this film on the list of movies where all Latinos & other cultures should watch for accurate representation. I can't say this is going to be a good movie or not. Eh, this looks like one of those viewings I take on when I'm sick or in a masochistic mood. For all we know Gina Rodriguez has some acting chops to dispense.
PS: I'm not a fan of that show 'Jane The Virgin'. Get it, there's no such thing as virgin latinas? All dem Mexican gals get pregnant before hitting 18!! (Rich people laugh) Hurr hurr hurr!
THAT'S SOME OF THEE MOST RACIST SHIT EVER!
It's like making a show called 'Sleepy Juan' where Juan sleeps through the whole sitcom! Get it? Hurr hurr hurr. That show can choke on it.
-Jacob's Ladder = Oh mother of fuck!!!!! 'Sigh', it's a remake. Let me tell you, the 1990 film was raw, unsettling, & brutal as much as they can get away with. There are still scenes in this film that manage to creep me the hell out like when Elizabeth Pena is grinding on that one demon guy & his sharp demon weiner starts sticking out of her mouth a la 'Hentai mixed with Cannibal Holocaust' style. Then there's this beautiful effect when Jacob is tied to a hospital stretcher while he's seeing the hospital become more & more fucked up with blood, disfigured patients roaming about & body parts smeared all over the floors. There's a moment where a legless dude is chained to a table & his head is moving around in a very blurry, fast motion. I know how they did that effect, that legless man is an animatronic puppet that is spazzing out & the camera is slowly panning back, all thanks to the dolly grip. Then in editing the footage is played in fast motion to give it that blurry look, all while that slow pan back is moving at a solid rate. That effect has been used way too many times, especially in commercials & music videos for Industrial or goth bands around that era. That's the type of creativity & raw brutality that will surely be lacking in this remake. I know I'm sounding like a broken record at this point & I've already stated that you can prove your point without being crass, but it bears repeating in this case. R-rated movies today don't feel as cathartic or messed up anymore, they don't make movies for us bloodthirsty dinosaurs anymore. They all feel like PG-13 rated movies that just somehow have more curse words & maybe someone gets a gunshot to the eye or Aubrey Plaza rapes someone for humor. This remake is going to be all jumpscares & paranormal ghost imagery that we've seen way too many times. Or worse, it's going to be a carbon copy of the original with altered scenes & dialogue.
I refuse to watch this remake. The original still manages to freak me the fuck out, I highly recommend it! Sure the ending wasn't really all that great & the subtlety isn't all that well hidden, but the imagery will stick to you. The visuals inspired the 'Silent Hill' games, hows that for creepy? All you Silent Hill fans who weren't in the know, go watch 'Jacob's Ladder'.
-What Men Want= Ohhh man, Hollywood must be down in the dumps, digging for old ideas when they start copying the idea from 'Chappelle's Show'.
I am glad to say this film is getting low scores from all over the board. IGN (Why would they review this movie?), IMDB, Common Sense Media would call it “What women want but with dulled teeth”. Despite the bad scores, it made more money than 'Cold Pursuit', that new Liam Neeson movie.
Just to let everyone know, I knew this film was going to be a trainwreck before it even went into production.
-The Prodigy = This is mom horror. I don't hear single women in their 20's or men in their teens saying “Oooooh, a scary child. That's gonna be the best horror film every made!” This is mom horror & of course the first sentence of the synopsis must include the words '..son with disturbing behavior'.
Alright, let me break the ice & say what most of us are thinking. If these films starred black moms & Mexican moms or Arab dads (moms from cultures where corporal punishment is still the norm), that would be the shortest film you have ever seen! Kid starts scribbling 'Redrum' on the walls, mom brings out the belt, wooden spoon or la chancla & kid ain't going to write anything on the walls anymore & then the kid grows up being more disturbed & depressed to where we can't function as normal human beings. BLUE HUMOR!!!!
Now I'm just thinking about it, 'The Prodigy', starring Bernie Mac as the mom. “Bust his head till the white meat shows!”
One question, what is this kid a prodigy of? If it wasn't for the promotional stills, I would of thought this would be another one of those films where the kid is such a great piano player but nobody gives him a chance, not even his crack addicted parents so it's the help of the rich woman to help this kid achieve his dreams. Think 'Little Man Tate' but with a piano. Nah, the promos show this kid answering puzzles at a quicker rate than all of us idiots. So we're back to making the prodigy child in a movie a smart kid. Meh.
-The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part = I got another question, where the fuck is my Mega Blocks movie?
-Lords of Chaos= I'm already hearing great buzz about this movie. Now I dabble in the Sweedish Black Metal arena from time to time, love 'Bathory'. This film kinda shines a light the same way 'CB4' shined a light on gangsta rap. Unlike CB4 it's going to be a half comedy, half drama.
I really want to see this. The reviews have been lukewarm (On the side of the critics) but most of the audience has very much said this was a great movie.
-St Agatha = So we're really cashing in on the evil nun theme, aren't we? How original (*Masturbatory hand motion).
Of all the scary shit in our world, why make a horror film out of nuns. Growing up catholic I can tell you that the scariest things in a church are the statues, holy water & priests (Mind you, this is before knowing about them child raping priests). Nuns are nowhere near that list of scary things. Of all the things to make hella erotic & badass, Nuns should be on that list. Except we're making weird shit like dinosaurs & bacon erotic.
-The Amityville Murders = 'Sigh', just get the fuck out of the house. Get out, once you see blood dripping out of the walls, voices telling you to kill & bees all over the attic, that's enough messages to warrant another move. How simple is that?
-Battle Angel: Alita = Ahhh yes, this flick was pushed back for a February release. The excuse the studio gives is they needed to 'touch up on the visual effects'. I don't care what they're fixing, it's still going to look like the CGI from 'Final Fantasy: Advent Children'. Maybe it was fake news, but I could of sworn I read somewhere that the reason why the flick was pushed back was because so many people complained about the big eyes that they decided to fix that. Like I said, fake news.
For several years now big Hollywood studios have been trying to make other popular (Or once were popular) animes into Live action movies. There's a script flowing about for a live-action 'Dirty Pair' movie & another attempt at a Dragon Ball movie. The shit part of it is they always pick the most culturally impactful animes out there. Here's what I would suggest, make a live action version of an anime from the 90's that was just terrible. To all you old-school anime folks, remember 'Bounty Dog', that piece of crap? That would make a better live action anime! Now I loved the first film, but let's face it that first film was bad as well. A live action 'M.D Giest' movie would be a fun movie with at least a coherent story. But as I type this I remind myself there was a live action 'Kite' movie. The problem with that movie was the acting. I know where they were going at, the main character had to look very short, very thin & weak with big eyes, just like the anime. My problem is there could have been a better actress to pull off that role.
Getting back to the topic, Battle Angel had mixed reception. Critics & audiences both hated & loved the movie. I hear anime fans say it's the best adaptation, others say it's the worst adaptation. Non-anime fans say it's a good movie, others say it's a bad movie. I guess that's going to be one of those I will have to see for myself.
-How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World = Toothless has a girlfriend & yet none of us can get a message back!
I fucking hate life!!!!!
- The Turning = More evil kids! Great, just what we need more than ever! Same as I said about 'The Prodigy', them kids wouldn't be such assholes if they got a taste of corporal punishment. Then again they would also be depressed & full 'o' anxieties. PARENTING IZ KOOL!
-A Medea Family Funeral: These films are pin-by-numbers drama. You know what's going to happen/ A bunch of people with flaws reunite under a gathering like a reunion, funeral or holidays. The problems or family secrets have a light shown on them & are now noticed by everyone there which might tear the family apart. But luckily here comes Tyler Perry in a fatsuit to fix all the problems, drop in some rap lyrics & they all live happily ever after. And for some reason there's a religious undertone to the whole film.
'Sigh', I wish my family had a Medea.
-Greta = Ooooh, a new Neil Jordan film. I wonder what the twist of this film will be? I've enjoyed most of his films I've seen, 'The Good Theif', 'The Crying Game'. I think that's it, haven't seen his other films, really would love to watch 'The Company of Wolves'. This one seems interesting, but I doubt it will get this huge marketing push.
I had no idea Neil was still working, wonder what he's made since then?
Aside from seeing 'The Brave One', he's done two films I have never seen or heard of & six episodes of a show titled 'The Borgias'. Hmmm, I'm intrigued.
Oooooh, Isabelle Huppert is in this. <3 <3 <3
Cloe Grace Moretz? Meh. Bitch got no torso!
And now we get to a heavily awaited flick...
-Don Quixote: Yes, the Terry Gilliam film that had been cursed since day one, in 2001. From what I remember he ran into so many road blocks & so much rights bullshit, you may have thought he got cursed with what Richard Stanley got. The film is now finally complete & for a short while last year it seemed like we were never going to get this film in the states. Out of some miracle the film has a chance, sadly it's your typical limited theatrical run. I need to see this, but first I need to check out 'The Zero Theorem'. That's going to be a double feature with a rewatch of 'Brazil' soon.
For now I think I'll end 'part uno' on this next flick.
-Climax = Now I have not seen a single Gaspar Noe film, but I've been told numerous times that this man makes very twisted movies that fit in my wheelhouse of arthouse movie viewing. I've seen the trailer of this flick & this feels like the kind of movie I would watch at midnight on the Sundance Channel back in my teen years. Those were the daaaaayyyyzzzzz!!!! Described in the synopsis: “ A dancer participates in a no-rules forest sexual adventure.”
This is a film I would very much want to see on the big screen. It has a very 1980's, early 1990's french art style that I am such a huge sucker for. Brief deviation here, anyone seen those adverts for 'The real Real' store? I always get those ads before (Of all things) Cinema Snob videos & that tipped me off that this late 80's, early 90's French anti-fashion is coming back in style. That made me kinda happy because I can dig it.
This is basically Gaspar Noe's fucked up version of 'Fame'. I really want to check this out.
So that does it for Part: One.
This is going to be a three part series & the next part will be released this friday.
So stay tuned & stay alert.
Twitter: (It's now my own personal twitter joint) https://twitter.com/BlacktimeEPress