-Black Panther: Oh my god, both sides of the political spectrum were annoying when this movie was released. Why the political spectrum? We now live in such a climate where nothing can be made with the intent of entertaining everyone (While at the same time Hollywood is making movies that target everyone), everything has to be a political statement or have to have a message behind it or an agenda. It's kinda ruining movies for me, either that or there are the few movies that were made just for the fun of it, then the audience starts putting their own political interpretations into it, for better or worse. Then we get the movies that should be political statements & they don't go all out on it because Hollywood is soo afraid of 'offending' the right people. New Hollywood would laugh at what modern hollywood considers politically charged. From what I've seen, 'Black Panther' is like any other Marvel superhero film, it just so happens it's got an all black cast, a very Afro-futurist style & a pretty interesting soundtrack. Here's where the trouble begins, of course you'll get these idiot racists that come out saying (Redneck voice) "Dat dere blacc pander don't kare 'bout no waht peeple. Dem coloreds is takin over hallywood!"There will always be racists & guess what, they don't make up the number of people that have been giving this film the #1 spot in the box office. Then you get the other side thinking it's some historical landmark by saying "Black Panther is the first ever black comic book movie made in the history of ever!!" Um...where the fuck were you guys when 'Blade' came out. Oh wait, before that you had Shaquille O'Neal starring in 'Steel'. I don't care what these Nostalgia Critics say, 'Steel' is one of Shaquille O'Neal's best performances EVER! Hollywood wasn't ready for a basketball player turned actors. 'Steel' deserved to win the 1996/1997 Oscars! You plebians need to re-evaluate this piece of 1990's artistry! Even before that you had 'Meteor Man', that Robert Townsend movie where he's a superhero, but he's afriad of flying & recharges his powers from a green meteor like Green Lantern. I will agree, it's the first African tribal based superhero film Hollywood has made, but the first black superhero movie ever? That position has been filled long ago. Is the mainstream so eager for something historical that we're ready to erase history just so we can feel great that we're living in a same moment for something that's considered history in the making? I'm not just seeing this with Black Panther, but with other films & other pieces of media that have come out these past two decades. I can't tell you how many times I've sen articles that said the new female character in the recent Star Wars film is 'The first ever action female character the series has made!' Um, you know in 'A New Hope' Leia was pretty badass, she grabbed Luke's gun & pretty much said "You suck at aiming, let me do this!" and shot some stormtroopers. Then you got Leia ready to blow up herself & everyone in Jabba's palace when she was under desguise as that one bounty hunter. She was pretty badass throughout that original trilogy & to all you so-called nerds offended at the slave leia outfit, she didn't want to wear that Slave bikini in 'Return of the Jedi'. She was forced to wear it because Jabba The Hut was the Harvey Weinstein of the Star Wars universe. Also, would it be a problem if she chose to wear that? Come on, there are tons of ladies out there that choose to wear slutty outfits & yet we still get the "What would your mother think?" comments or the wildcard, MALE OPPRESION. Wear what you want, fuck the establishment. Back to the film, All I can say is I have to see it to form an opinion, but from what I'm hearing it may be a movie with some entertainment value. One positive thing I will say I loved about the hype of the film is you had people going to the theater, with their children, in costume. I love it when people do this, unless they're dirty stinky pirate or a sparkling vampire! Pirates can choke on sparkling vampire dick! I enjoyed seeing people go in African tribal fashions & for some reason there were alot of guys dressed up as the characters from 'Coming To America'. I know of the film, I've yet to see that Eddie Murphy classic, but why? Does Eddie Murphy's character come from the fictional world of Wakanda? Sorry guys, the only Eddie Murphy movies I've seen were his two standup features 'Raw' and 'Delirous', then there's the one you can't make today '48 Hrs' (Sooo many racial overtones) & lastly, but sadly, 'Vampire in Brooklyn'. I guess I'll have to see both 'Black Panther' (Or at least find the comic books) and 'Coming To America' to understand the relation. One thing I hope will inspire from the hype is maybe then DC Comics can either publish new stories or reprint 'El Diablo' comics which will maybe even lead to an El Diablo movie. I know, DC hasn't had a great track record for films, but that would be the best choice if anyone is asking for a movie based on a Mexican superhero. Something tells me I might choke on those words if that were to happen.
and now to rush through these previous titles that were released two months ago & at this point are either on DVD or are still being screened at budget theaters that I live nowhere near.
-Proud Mary: I'd watch it if it starred Pam Grier.
-Paddington 2: The way they marketed the first film was typical kids film fare, but when I caught some of it on Cable TV, it managed to put some pretty emotional moments in there. That's something kids films today are too shy to do, mainly because of overprotective parents. "You made my kid feel feelings! I'm going to sue you guys!" I know people who are the anti-disney, death metal, punk rock folks that went out to see the sequel because they enjoyed the first one. I'll catch this sequel on TV as well. Those films aren't just typical kids schlock, there's effort put into those films.
-Mom and Dad: Parents (dad played by Nick-ol' ass Cage) want to kill their kids due to an airborne virus or something like that. I wanna see that, it's the where Nicolas Cage acts crazy.
Now we move on to February, or as it is called in the movie industry 'Fuck You February', because studios just toss out anything this time of month. Most of it is trite tripe, but there would be the exceptions to that rule. This first example is not.
-The Cloverfield Paradox: A movie I heard was so bad, they just tossed it into Netflix & told everyone about it during the Super Bowel game. It was like something J.J Abrams was guilty to release so he just tossed it in there & hope nobody gets angry. Haven't seen it, haven't seen that sequel with John Goodman in the basement (Which I heard was grrreat!) & I watched a few minutes of the first 'Cloverfield' and I got annoyed by the handheld shaky cam...oh & TJ Miller needs to get throat fucked by a knife! I hate his voice & every time he says something 'funny' it's always something stupid. Fuck TJ Miller! My foreskin has more funny quips & charisma than that untalented hack.
-Peter Rabit: Um...since when did the story of Peter Rabit become a suido 'Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakquel' type story full of nutshots? I'll be honest, I haven't heard of Peter Rabbit since kindergarden. Maybe if I read those old books I will see a bunch of nut shots. In other news, there are parents that have boycotted the film because they felt the portrayal of food alergies was 'insensitive'. I guess in the film the rabbits combat the human character by sling shotting (If that's a word) food that the human character is allergic to. All I gotta say the usual phrase everyone knows me for, "Quit being such pussies!" I grew up watching Raven from 'That's So Raven' getting allergic to fish & inflating into a very cartoonish baloon characature. It was funny, I laughed, my sisters laughed, the people who had food allergies didn't complain, the world was a peaceful place. GROW UP!
-Fifty Shades Freed: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'll say that my characters 'Agatha & Pasquel' have a more freakier, kinkier sex life than these emotionless hacks. But seriously, a sequel a year after the previous film. Methinks this is a cash grab. Who keeps going to these movies?
-Bomb City: Oh, so a movie about Iraq. I'll escort myself out. Tip your waitresses.
Oh wait, this film is about punk rockers in 1997 Texas. I'm in!
-Annihilation: I know nothing about this movie & I don't want to know anything about this movie until I see it. I already heard the buzz & I want to go into this movie cold.
And now, March.
-The Hurricane Heist: Someone, anyone in the studio system must have bought himself an escort & decided to have sex in a basement of his workplace, then stumbled upon a script from the mid to late 90's & it just so happened that the script was for this movie. This reminds me of that hilariously bad 'Hard Rain' movie from the late 90's where Christian Slater has to stop a gang of bank robbers stealing money from a bank during a harsh rain storm. Total bomb, but it was entertaining in a bad late 90's action movie kind of way. This movie reminds me of that & I want to see it. If the movie manages to be good, I will be astounded. But if it's bad, I at least hope it's entertaining bad. It's been a while since there was a movie idea so absurd & so bad that I wanted to see this. The Hurrican Heist is one of those movies & the tagline for the ads is 'Make it rain'. Oh good god I need to see this!
-Death Wish: I refuse. That's all I'm going to say, I refuse.
You know what? No! I'm going to express my hatred for this! Bruce Willis used to have charisma, charm & this badass presance. Now he's just an annoying eye sore who does nothing but look uninterested & according to behind the scenes stuffs, he's such a prick to everyone! To have him play Paul Kersey is such an insult to that character & an insult to Charles Bronson, one of the many action heroes I grew up seeing! Then there's Eli (Can't write & direct himself out of a non-mandatory meeting) Roth. To paraphrase from what 42 Street Pete has said on his podcast, all Eli Roth does is repeat the same stuff he saw in Italian Exploitation films & think he's being new & original. All I saw from the trailer is Eli Roth thinking he's reinvigorating the vigilante genre, even though he's reiterating the same tropes & cliches from vigilante films made in the past 32 years! Even 'Death Sentance' is original & it was made by the guy who did 'The Conjouring' films! Fuck Eli Roth, Fuck Bruce Willis & fuck this remake. The Charles Bronson sequels are better than that film, at least the sequel has a very kickass Jimmy Page soundtrack & it's brutally uncomfortable, something Eli Roth wishes he could do in his movies. To repeat, I refuse.
Now Eli Roth getting shot in the bathroom, I'd watch that.
-A Wrinkle in Time: Based off a book middle school teachers (Basic Bitches) wanted me to read, but I was all "Nah son, I'm reading my men's adventure pulps. Pulps are the movement!" Oprah Winfrey got bored doing nothing because she's rich as fuck, told disney "Make 'The Color Purple II' or I will buy & sell your sorry asses!" So they made this film & cast Oprah in it. I admit, it's been a long ass time since I've seen Oprah. Just to let everyone know, I'd tap that. It'll be worth it when I'm coming by town in a hover car, new clothes & machine guns saying "Who's laughing now!" Oprah is essentially a sugar momma. Honestly, I feel Oprah would be that wife who would just wanna hold hands out of nowhere & that's something we all need. Then again, there's Gayle.....We all know Gayle & Oprah aren't best of friends, they're more than that.
Memo to self, keep Steadman in GitMo & take down Gayle. Soon I'll be rolling in those Benjamins.
Oh fuck, am I typing my plans? I have to learn to stop doing that.
-Tomb Raider: I don't know about you, but I did enjoy that 2000 Angelina Jolie film, directed by the guy who did 'Con Air', so that shows you how fun that is. The sequel from 2003, though, was utter shit! This new one, I'm not complaining. I should complain that it's not R-rated, but neither was the 1995 Mortal Kombat movie & I highly enjoyed that one, the sequel was utter shit as well. I've not played the reboot game, but from what I've seen it looks like the game is about how brutal & how remorseless can we kill Lara Croft. Her tittes get stabbed, aaahhhh!! We no longer have triangle boobies, so there's that. I'll have to view this one as just a movie & not a video game adaptation.
-Pacific Rim: Uprising: I'll just go ahead & say this, it looks like this seuqel is going to be a kid's matinee film. What else can you expect, it's robots beating the shit out of monsters. All I can say is if it's entertaining, I'll check it out. Sadly, Guillmero Del Toro is not directing this, instead the guy who did episodes of the Netflix 'Daredevil' show (Still need to watch that) will be directing. This is his directorial debut. Whatever happened to that cartoon they wanted to make? Is that out now or is that canned? I distinctly remember it appearing on Disney XD, or am I wrong?
Gonna skip 'Sherlock Gnomes'.
-Isle of Dogs: I'm not a huge fan of Wes Anderson, but I am a fan of 'Fantastic Mr.Fox' & this film looks fantastic! Not only was the trailer played up like an actual japanese movie trailer (Very distinct style of trailers Japan does) but the film looks original. I gotta watch out when I say this, everytime I think something looks original I later find out it's based off a book or plagarized from something. Those are the times we're living in.
-Unsane: Thankfully not a remake of Argento's 'Tenebrae', but sadly, I don't want to see this film due to the plot. I'm just not in the mood to watch one of those 'Nobody believes me when I'm telling the truth' movies. I get enough of that in my personal life. Still, I commend Steven Soderberg & maybe when I hit a certain mood, I will check this movie out. It look very low budget, which mean Soderberg must of funded this movie out of pocket. It has an almost 90's independent feel, despite it being made in 2018.
-Paul, Apostle of Christ: I guess my title 'Passion of the Christ 2: The Columbia Connection' was too cool for Hollywood. Wait up, is this actually the sequel to Passion of the Christ? It stars Jim Caveizel, religious Vin Diesel. I'm sure he's going to play Jeezus. Why are we getting so many Jesus movies? Are people so dumb they can't read a bible or remember catechism class? To be honest, so much old english in those bibles, I DARE YOU TO WRITE A BIBLE WRITTEN IN EBONICS! I will make a shrine out of you if you do that!
-I Kill Giants: Funniest name of an actress in the industry today, IMOGEN POOTS! Nyahahahahah!!!! Oh good god I'm terrible. Okay, so the movie is based off an Image comic, wowe. I was expecting Image to comete with Marvel & DC with a movie based off Spawn or some bullcrap Rob Liefeld comic, but they're going against the grain here. The movie is simple, it's about a girl dealing with her life by going into her fantasy & dealing with monsters & demons. I want to see this now, but I'm just going by still shots & synopsis. Sadly this is a straight to video film with a minor theatrical release. This needs a full on mainstream release, it's a comic book film that isn't like anything coming out today.
-Ready Player One: Or as I like to call it '#Nerd Refrences: The Movie'. That whole book, that whole movie looks like it's full of refrences & that's the selling point. "Hey all you #Nerds, look! It's that one girl from them 'Overwatched' games! Hey look, Kaneda's red motorcycle! Hey look, the DeLorean from 'Back To The Future'. Hey look, that ship from 'Cowboy Beeboop!' Hey look, VIDYA GAYMES!" Steven Spielberg & his generation of filmmakers complained about movies with a video game mentality, well here's Steven Spielberg doing just that! I admit, when I saw the teaser I was interested by this film's ability to having various characters from games & movies who are owned by very litigious corproations, but the more I saw of it & the more excerpts I read from the book, this film & book pisses me off now. It's all a masturbatory opera of how cool the 80's & how great mainstream geek culture is. I'm not a #Nerd, but I will describe myself as a nerd that travels against the grain. Of course I dabble in Star Trek & I like Star Wars (Pre Disney), but I also look for the stuff sites like 'Kotaku' or 'Comic Book Resources' aren't talking about or giving attention. This film & book looks like it's using refrences & homages just to hide the fact that the story is a simple one. Apparently the character flies his delorean into planet Zemekis. Ugh! At this point the author is just smelling his own farts & calling it Fabreeze.
-Gods Not Dead: A Light in Darkness: How long are people going to bitch that there should be religion in schools? Hey you self entitled idiots, have you ever heard of 'Seperation of Church & State' or if you're not into rap music, how about the common sense idea that everyone in that school worships other relgions other than Christianity! Because the're the only religion I see that complains about this shit. I don't see Jewish people complaining that public schools aren't allowing Shabbat, then again they have enough money to build their own schools. I don't see buddists complaining, I don't see catholics complaining, I don't see satanists complaining (Only when christianity is involved), I don't see mormons complaining. It's all christianity! And don't you dare blame school shootings on the lack of religion in school. But I should talk about the movie. Since 'Electric Boogaloo' and 'The Columbia Connection' are funny sub titles that have overstayed their welcome, this third film should just add in the number within the title logo. It would be called 'God's Not De3d.....God Goes Hawaiian.'
-All I Wish: It's a chick flick, but one I would see. Not because of story or Sharon Stone, but because of Famke Janssen. Ever since 'Goldeneye' she has been my ideal type.
-A Quiet Place: Here's the synopsis 'MovieInsider.net' gives & it's pretty cheap.
"Set on a farm where a family is being terrorized by evil."
Wowe, you just described the plot (Just change farm to any other location) of every other horror film made in the past 20 years. Hey, we're a stereotypical white family that just inherited or bought some property & we're moving in! Oh look, there's blood on the walls, our daughter or son is acting evil & there are ghosts roaming around. Eh, we'll deal with it. Wait up! The LP player doesn't want to power up! How will I listen to my Dave Matthews records? We're leaving!!!
Apparently, John Krasinski is in this film. I guess those 'Esurance' commercials stopped bringing in the royalty checks. Nice to see him on screen again.
UPDATE: I just saw a commercial for the film just as I was writing about the other titles here. There's a post apocalyptic angle to this film. I wanna see this movie now! Krasinski in a post apocalyptic film, hell yeah I'm in!
-Blockers: Oh how times change. If you watch teen sex comedies of the 80's (and a few from the 90's), even if you pass by a title either at a thrift shop's VHS section or look at the cover, you'll know that the premise of most of them is teenage guys trying to get laid. Revenge of the Nerds, Porkies, I just saw a terrible one called 'Cave Girl' & all of them had one thing in common, dudes trying to stick their dick into beautiful girls. This film is about parents trying to stop their kids from having sex. I recently saw a promo for this before (Of all things) an ASMR video & that was terrible. It showed nothing, all it showed was the faces of these parent characters & the narrator just said something like "They're blockers!" That promo makes me want to avoid this film more than the premise. But back to what I was saying earlier, how did we get from teen movies about trying to get laid to movies about parents stopping their kids from getting laid? Ladies & gentlemen, this is a comedy! Hey, I'm all for safe sex & teaching everyone about the horrors of teen pregnancy. Still, it's a goddamn movie! What a sick sad state of affairs when we can't have fun movies all because pf a stupid minority who like to emulate fiction. We just had an epidemic of teenagers eating laundry detergent pods!
Oh, cock blockers! I just got the title joke! Hahahahahahah WHAT THE FUCK! What do you expect from the writer of the 'Pitch Perfect' series.
Pandas, they're not in Atlanta & the movie is going to be narrated (I hope) by Kirsten Dunst. How many panda movies do we need? I admit, pandas are funney, but must we need more panda movies? Didn't Disney make one already?
-The Endless: There's no trailer, no screenshots, but the synopsis mentions UFO cults. UFO cults? You mean like the Heaven's Gate cult where people thought they would be taken on a spaceship to some utopia & instead commited suicide while wearing fresh Jordans. I'll have to keep a lookout for this one. I hope this is a fake synopsis so we can get a film featuring 'The Endless'. Only one of you (I know who you are) will get where I'm going with this!
-Truth or Dare: So the harmless game 'Truth or Dare' becomes harmful. Recently 'Blumhouse' has gotten some positive reception with movies like 'Get Out' and surprisingly well recieved 'Happy Death Day'. So I'll have to lookout for this one as well. I admit, I've not watched alot of Blumhouse movies, mainly because they were so formulaic & always ended with a jump scare which lost its charm a decade ago.
-Sign Gene: I won't paraphrase the synopsis:
"Follows a secret agent, Tom Clerc, deaf from a multi-generational Deaf family and is descendant of Laurent Clerc 'the Father of the Deaf in America' that brought the sign language to the States two centuries ago. Tom is carrier of SGx29 a powerful Sign Gene mutation but he lost a significant portion of his powers during a fierce fight some years back against his main villain, his own deaf brother Jux Clerc the leader of 22.214.171.124. an evil organization dedicated to exterminating Sign Gene mutants."
This has 'PULP ACTION MOVIE' written all over it & I wanna see this! There's no trailer, no screenshots, nothing, but I still wanna see this! According to the fun facts here, it's shot on a 'Sony 3CCD', don't know what that is & it has actual deaf actors & actresses. Here's the catch though, it's an Italian film & it will only be released in Los Angeles in select theaters. FFUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!!!! We can't have nice things. Everyone's all bitching & complaining "Why can't we have protagionists with dissabilities?" Here comes one movie & Hollywood decides "Nah, we don't need some helmet wearing, short bus riding hero. We don't need to uplift the dissability community. You know what we need, another Paul Fieg film with pretty people who ruin good music via their glee club!"
Fuck Hollywood! STAB ITS EYES!!!
-Rampage: Not the cool, uber violent Uwe Boll movie, but based on the 1980's arcade game & the cool 90's N64 sequels! Here's my thing, why are they making this film uber dark & serious? Why can't this be an animated, colorful movie with cartoonish violence? That's what I want, I want a Rampage movie about these giant monsters running around, destroying buildings, eating people & cracking jokes. Instead, it's another one of those 'We need to save the world from something!' types of movies. I'm a fan of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, so I'm not very pissed. I'm just dissapointed by the fact that it could have been an animated film.
-Super Troopers 2: I admit, the trailer wasn't all that great, but then again this is a crowd funded movie & the Broken Lizard guys have full on creative control in this film. So that tells me their A-grade humor is in the film & wasn't wasted on the trailer. I wanna see this! I highly enjoyed the first one, cannot wait to check this one out!
-Dolphins: Now this one is Disney! Eh. Who goes to these movie? I'm honestly trying to figure it out, I want to know the demographic of these movies.
-Avengers: Infinity War: Thanos has a tons of pussy lips in his chin! Why did they change Thanos to look like that pussy chinned guy? Hollywood once again ruins a character's look all because "We want people to know that the guy who is CGI is played by that pretty actor all the women soak their panties for." That's the reason why
-Animal Crackers: Where the fuck is my Hostess Ho-Ho's movie! Turn that into a blacxploitation film! Turn Twinkies into a gay crime thriller. Big Tex a wrestler film. The Big Mac would make a great western movie. Mc.DLT would make a good drug movie about cocaine mules. I just gave all of you ideas for movies based off fast food, make them! Make your grandpa proud.
-I Feel Pretty: Fucking Amy Schumer, she just stole the plot for MoNique's 'Phat Gurlz'. On top of stealing jokes from other comedians, she is also a racist. I don't make the rules! Stealing from black cinema, go fuck yourself Amy.
and for the last one for today.
-Overboard: A remake, only due to the fact that they decided to switch the gender roles here. So instead of Goldie Hawn (Pre plastic surgery) being the anmesiac woman who is shoved into a world of spousal slavery, it's a dude getting shoved into the same shit. Get it, the dude has to be the wife! That original movie, wowe. I gotta say, we all thought this was okay when we saw this film for the first time. That original film is one of those movies where time has not been kind to it. We were all distracted by Kurt Russell's charm, that 1987 mullet, dreamy eyes & charisma. None of the people in this remake can match the charm Kurt has! He managed to make us enjoy his mysoginist ways in the film. This remake is like that comment on those social experiments where women in public kiss random men on the street. You know what comment I'm talking about, the ones that go "If a man were to do this, it would be considered rape & would be cruxified." Sadly, they aren't wrong. I bet you this film is going to be another one of those movies that causes mass online arguments like what that 'Ghostbusters' remake did. I'd be fucking surprised if it doesn't.
That is it for now, I will be coming back next time to wreak havoc on Hollywood & displaying many, many, MANY more politically incorrect comments on here. Either that or I will finish writing my 'Mental Health' installment that I will make shorter. The problem with the last one was it was over nine pages long. Gaddamn! I did need to trim it. So to end this, quit being so stupid, like what you like & be prepared to defend to like what you like.....Testacles, that is all.
Twitter= We’re rebooting that damn page. Too many hoes on that motherfucking meal, artificially asking how a motherfucker feels.