It’s been a long while since the last installment of ‘2017 Movies (No Subtitle)’, so let’s get back into the groove & let’s hope to dear god that this will be the last installment. Seriously, my scheduling has been cut back & I got other topics I wanna deal with before it’s too late.
So we last left off on ‘Alien Covenant’, a movie that feels like it’s going to be the same shit that’s been reiterated since ‘Aliens’ and the Dark Horse comics. Let’s see what’s up on the horizon.
-Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul : Not a fan but my older sister is a fan. What can I say other than ‘It’s not for me’. It’s for this generation’s middle schoolers, but I will say there are moments in the films that made me say “Holy fuck, I met people like this back in Middle School.” That’s something I can’t say for that one James Patterson ’Ghost written’ book about middle schoolers. For some reason my younger sister (Age 18) likes watching those movies, as well as those ‘Beverly Hills Chiuaua‘ movies. Oh, I meant to say she likes to have that on the TV while texting her friends. Yeah, that’s what all you teenagers like to do, multitasking. Just watch the goddamn movie or TV show, shit. That type of shit is all the more reason companies like ‘Samsung’ or ‘Toshiba’ want to remove the off button like the telescreens in ‘1984’.
Oh man, I’m going back to typical ‘Blogababble’ mode here. This is a fun blogbabble entry here, I’ll stop.
-Everything, Everything: So this is based off a teen romance novel & it’s about a girl who lives in a bubble because she has a thin as fuck immune system (That’s what happens when you don’t let your infant kids eat dirt) & falls in love. Ummm, we already have two movies similar to this story. One starred John Travolta (Vinnie Barbarino era) & it was a TV Movie, the other one (My generation remembers this film quite well) was a comedy starring Jake Gyllenhal! Now here comes this one which is a teen romance trying to sell itself as originality. That’s what I’m getting sick of with these current young adult novels, they’re not making the original ones into movies, instead they’re making ones that basically feel like they were written while the author was high on salvia & watching movies. ‘The Hunger Games’, so basically Suzanne Collins was watching ‘The Running Man’ & ‘Battle Royale’ and said “I’s can make a book’s!” Then you got that one writer who wrote ‘Pride, Prejudice & Zombies’ which is just Pride & Prejudice with zombies in it. Oh, how clevah, you took a story & characters from dead authors& added zombies in it. What the fuck! Originality, we need it. Quit stealing plots from other movies damnit!!!
-Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales : ‘Sigh’, you know there was a time before the internet & before people took photos of Walmart shoppers as a lark, there would be an even film for audiences to dress up to. They either dressed up in Jedi Cloaks, Hobbit garbs or hell, even leather jackets & shades for the Matrix sequels. I envied the people who went to see a movie in the theater & came out of it with some new friends who shared the same common interest. Of course you would have opposition from, you know, NORMAL PEOPLE. I defend those who want to dress up to a movie, whether it be fancy close (MOVIES SHOULD BE FANCY ENGAGEMENTS AGAIN) or dress up in costumes. Then came those damn movies about those stanky as fuck pirates. Now to be honest, the first film was a sleeper hit that nobody expected to be any good. A PG-13 Disney film?! In a time when Disney was in a ghetto with their animated films & they were releasing bullshit ‘straight to video’ sequels (Aladdin III: Jafar Needs a Prescription for Suppositories), it was a breath of fresh air. Then the sequels came, that third film was terrible & the freaking people who wore the pirate costumes for the sequels came about in irritating numbers. They were like carnies, they smelled like urine & they spoke in that ‘Arrrrr!’ voice. Talk like a pirate day is a sad excuse to annoy people!!! As you can tell, pirates aren’t my thing. I’m more into space pirates, they kick ass. Or better yet, Ice Pirates!! Fuck yeah!!!!! Just wanted to get that out of the way, Pirates suck. Sailing boats & shooting cannons. Get a machine gun you idiots!
What can I say about the films (Besides the first one) other than they’re typical summer blockbuster fare with Johnny Depp being Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom being eye candy for women & the one woman looks like a skeleton, except she has eyeliner. Eh. Have fun with your smelly pirates. Jeffery Rush is pretty cool in those movies, but annoys me because of his ‘ARRRR!’ voice.
-Baywatch: And yet another adaptation of an old TV series. I’m not a fan of ‘Baywatch’, that whole show was for my older sister. Oh I’m feeling nostalgic for syndicated programming as of recent. Before Netflix, TV stations were hungry to fill in time slots so they either opened their studios for public access or paid for the rights to TV shows to fill in a block. I’m so going to write about that in an upcoming blogababble & all those awesome, weird & terrible shows form my childhood. So I did see a few Baywatch episodes back in the late 90’s, but at that point Hasselhoff wasn’t there, not sure if Pamela (with the chesticles) Anderson was there, but the whole show felt & looked like a softcore porno. Not a fan of David Hasslehoff & Pamela Anderson looks like a used condom. Oh how the mighty have fallen & she’s in the cast list. She hasn’t been on screen since that one sitcom she headlined on Fox. Since then cameras have advanced to recording more clearer, sharper images. They will show us the wrinkles that weren’t present when seen through 35mm film. I guess that’s a selling point for the film, see Pamela Anderson back on the screen with more wrinkles than you remembered! She is the greatest actress in the history of film. Who can forget that memorable performance in the critically acclaimed movie ‘Barb Wire’.
Well, I can’t say the TV show is goofy or campy, but I can say that regardless of whether the movie sucked, The Rock always gives it his all, as opposed to all the other wrestlers who tried to have movie careers. The Rock & Roddy Rowdy Piper are two wrestlers I can name who had movies that kicked ass. Stone Cold, I don’t know. Also it seems like ‘Zack Efron’ is in the cast as well. I don’t care, moving on.
-War Machine: You know, I’ve never been a fan of Iron Man as a kid, but good god I loved the hell out of the War Machine! Ever since I saw him in one of the Marvel VS Capcom games, he was a badass sight to see. War Machine had all those arm missles, machine gun turrets & mini-chain guns on his arms & shoulders. If you’re expecting Marvel to make a movie out of that, then you’re just nuts. War Machine in his own movie? Hwat? Nahhhhh. It’s a war drama about some war general, not Patton though. This takes place in Afghanistan. I’m sour too, but it’s a netflix film. It may not be that bad.
-Lady Bloodfight: It’s ‘Bloodsport’ with a woman! As long as it’s not called ‘Bloodsport’, I’m alright. Actualy, I would rush to see it if it were titled ‘Bloodspot 2’.
So we last left off on ‘Alien Covenant’, a movie that feels like it’s going to be the same shit that’s been reiterated since ‘Aliens’ and the Dark Horse comics. Let’s see what’s up on the horizon.
-Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul : Not a fan but my older sister is a fan. What can I say other than ‘It’s not for me’. It’s for this generation’s middle schoolers, but I will say there are moments in the films that made me say “Holy fuck, I met people like this back in Middle School.” That’s something I can’t say for that one James Patterson ’Ghost written’ book about middle schoolers. For some reason my younger sister (Age 18) likes watching those movies, as well as those ‘Beverly Hills Chiuaua‘ movies. Oh, I meant to say she likes to have that on the TV while texting her friends. Yeah, that’s what all you teenagers like to do, multitasking. Just watch the goddamn movie or TV show, shit. That type of shit is all the more reason companies like ‘Samsung’ or ‘Toshiba’ want to remove the off button like the telescreens in ‘1984’.
Oh man, I’m going back to typical ‘Blogababble’ mode here. This is a fun blogbabble entry here, I’ll stop.
-Everything, Everything: So this is based off a teen romance novel & it’s about a girl who lives in a bubble because she has a thin as fuck immune system (That’s what happens when you don’t let your infant kids eat dirt) & falls in love. Ummm, we already have two movies similar to this story. One starred John Travolta (Vinnie Barbarino era) & it was a TV Movie, the other one (My generation remembers this film quite well) was a comedy starring Jake Gyllenhal! Now here comes this one which is a teen romance trying to sell itself as originality. That’s what I’m getting sick of with these current young adult novels, they’re not making the original ones into movies, instead they’re making ones that basically feel like they were written while the author was high on salvia & watching movies. ‘The Hunger Games’, so basically Suzanne Collins was watching ‘The Running Man’ & ‘Battle Royale’ and said “I’s can make a book’s!” Then you got that one writer who wrote ‘Pride, Prejudice & Zombies’ which is just Pride & Prejudice with zombies in it. Oh, how clevah, you took a story & characters from dead authors& added zombies in it. What the fuck! Originality, we need it. Quit stealing plots from other movies damnit!!!
-Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales : ‘Sigh’, you know there was a time before the internet & before people took photos of Walmart shoppers as a lark, there would be an even film for audiences to dress up to. They either dressed up in Jedi Cloaks, Hobbit garbs or hell, even leather jackets & shades for the Matrix sequels. I envied the people who went to see a movie in the theater & came out of it with some new friends who shared the same common interest. Of course you would have opposition from, you know, NORMAL PEOPLE. I defend those who want to dress up to a movie, whether it be fancy close (MOVIES SHOULD BE FANCY ENGAGEMENTS AGAIN) or dress up in costumes. Then came those damn movies about those stanky as fuck pirates. Now to be honest, the first film was a sleeper hit that nobody expected to be any good. A PG-13 Disney film?! In a time when Disney was in a ghetto with their animated films & they were releasing bullshit ‘straight to video’ sequels (Aladdin III: Jafar Needs a Prescription for Suppositories), it was a breath of fresh air. Then the sequels came, that third film was terrible & the freaking people who wore the pirate costumes for the sequels came about in irritating numbers. They were like carnies, they smelled like urine & they spoke in that ‘Arrrrr!’ voice. Talk like a pirate day is a sad excuse to annoy people!!! As you can tell, pirates aren’t my thing. I’m more into space pirates, they kick ass. Or better yet, Ice Pirates!! Fuck yeah!!!!! Just wanted to get that out of the way, Pirates suck. Sailing boats & shooting cannons. Get a machine gun you idiots!
What can I say about the films (Besides the first one) other than they’re typical summer blockbuster fare with Johnny Depp being Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom being eye candy for women & the one woman looks like a skeleton, except she has eyeliner. Eh. Have fun with your smelly pirates. Jeffery Rush is pretty cool in those movies, but annoys me because of his ‘ARRRR!’ voice.
-Baywatch: And yet another adaptation of an old TV series. I’m not a fan of ‘Baywatch’, that whole show was for my older sister. Oh I’m feeling nostalgic for syndicated programming as of recent. Before Netflix, TV stations were hungry to fill in time slots so they either opened their studios for public access or paid for the rights to TV shows to fill in a block. I’m so going to write about that in an upcoming blogababble & all those awesome, weird & terrible shows form my childhood. So I did see a few Baywatch episodes back in the late 90’s, but at that point Hasselhoff wasn’t there, not sure if Pamela (with the chesticles) Anderson was there, but the whole show felt & looked like a softcore porno. Not a fan of David Hasslehoff & Pamela Anderson looks like a used condom. Oh how the mighty have fallen & she’s in the cast list. She hasn’t been on screen since that one sitcom she headlined on Fox. Since then cameras have advanced to recording more clearer, sharper images. They will show us the wrinkles that weren’t present when seen through 35mm film. I guess that’s a selling point for the film, see Pamela Anderson back on the screen with more wrinkles than you remembered! She is the greatest actress in the history of film. Who can forget that memorable performance in the critically acclaimed movie ‘Barb Wire’.
Well, I can’t say the TV show is goofy or campy, but I can say that regardless of whether the movie sucked, The Rock always gives it his all, as opposed to all the other wrestlers who tried to have movie careers. The Rock & Roddy Rowdy Piper are two wrestlers I can name who had movies that kicked ass. Stone Cold, I don’t know. Also it seems like ‘Zack Efron’ is in the cast as well. I don’t care, moving on.
-War Machine: You know, I’ve never been a fan of Iron Man as a kid, but good god I loved the hell out of the War Machine! Ever since I saw him in one of the Marvel VS Capcom games, he was a badass sight to see. War Machine had all those arm missles, machine gun turrets & mini-chain guns on his arms & shoulders. If you’re expecting Marvel to make a movie out of that, then you’re just nuts. War Machine in his own movie? Hwat? Nahhhhh. It’s a war drama about some war general, not Patton though. This takes place in Afghanistan. I’m sour too, but it’s a netflix film. It may not be that bad.
-Lady Bloodfight: It’s ‘Bloodsport’ with a woman! As long as it’s not called ‘Bloodsport’, I’m alright. Actualy, I would rush to see it if it were titled ‘Bloodspot 2’.
Yeah, Bloodspot 2.
Either way, I want to see it & I can tell you I won’t be able to find it anywhere. Why? It’s released by some company called ‘Vertical’ & of course, Limited Release. Fuck! We need to stop paying money to see some bitch sing about boyfriends & watch Lady Bloodfight! It’s a feminist duty.
-Wakefield: Follows a man who leaves his wife for an extended period of time. I’m sure this movie will be overly depressing & melodramatic as all fuck because “We can’t have people being happy all the time. Let’s depress them now so we can take advantage of them! MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!!” Dead beat dads are fucking assholes, let that be known. If you yourself are reading this & left your family to fend for themselves. Thank you for the readership, but you are an asshole.
-Captain Underpants: The First Movie : Aww yeah, 90’s shit jokes! I’ll tell you, in a time when I couldn’t read comics in school (EVEN THOUGH IT STILL COUNTS AS READING!!) the closest thing we got to reading lewd & gross out comix was Captain Underpants. It mixed in prose fiction with various comic segments, all of it written & drawn by a kid (At least that’s what the back of the book lead us to believe). So yeah, Captain Underpants was awesome, especially since he fought poop monsters & other hilarious villains. It almost felt like [Adult Swim] for kids in the way that it was drawn & presented. Sure, it’s going to have the tropes of any other animated film that’s out now, but this film is something new! Not only will it grab my age group to the theaters, but it will also grab the younger generation. The whole film is basically an adaptation of the first book, hopefully the shit monsters come later. It’s been a while since I’ve read those books, may have to get them to see if they’re any good………………………………...............................................................I doubt it.
-The Mummy: An unnecessary remake!
Ohh where do I start with this piece of shit. Yeah, I’m already calling it a piece of shit before it hit’s the theaters. Arrogant, I know. Tom Cruise is like cinematic crabs. You can pray all you want that they’ll disappear, but after disappearing they come back again! I don’t care how much Hollywood keeps pushing Jack Reacher or the Mission Impossible sequels, Tom Cruise isn’t a badass. Every action film he’s starred in feels like he’s paying a lot of money to make himself look like a badass action star. Then you got the adding of the military into it. I’m not against the military here, I support the troops, but I’m sick of every Hollywood action film involving the military into every little film. Godzilla 2014, of course the military is in every Godzilla film, but when they spent most of the film with the military it got too fucking absurd. Suicide Squad did not need the military! They were villains who were hired to kill off the solid poop people & yet they also sent the military. Maybe just send the military to do the job instead of the super villains!! It seems almost ‘propoganda-ish’ & a clear contractual obligation that every action film needs to include the military to rake in that Middle-America money. ’Murica, fuck yeah! Then again, whenever I see the military in action films (that aren’t war films) they’re either there as background or fodder or to make the primary characters look strong & smart. Either this is Anti-Propoganda or it’s there just to hook the ‘Muricans into watching a Hollywood film. Not all movies need the military, but also not all movies need pretty people. Whatever happened to reliability?
To end it, why remake a classic film that was then remade in 1999? I admit, I haven’t seen the original Universal Horror film, the 1999 remake was fun & kept in some of the horror elements. It was awesome & very pulpy than I remembered. What, modern audiences can’t get behind pulp inspired action? They can’t get behind a swash buckling adventure with Brendan Fraiser? Why remake? I feel sooooo bad for Brendan Fraiser right now. Jorge, Jorge, Jorge of the jungle…….watch out for that wall. The trailer shows that this film feels vapid, lifeless, colorless & boring. It contains too many clichés, even down to the quick fades & cuts to black. Tom Cruise, I refuse.
-All Eyez On Me: A biopic on 2Pac! So we are getting a 2Pac movie, hooray!!! I’ve yet to see the trailer & I hope to all the rap gods that they don’t make the same mistake as they did with the Bigee Smalls movie from 2009. I just rewatched that film & have you guys seen that vine that parodies how BET movies begin? That film basically begins like a BET made for TV movie. Uh oh, shit’s about to happen until the film pauses & you hear the narrator saying “This seems shitty, huh? Well, before we move on, let me tell you how this all started.” then the film rewinds to the very beginning. It’s a pretty useless trope. Hopefully this film is big budget, they got the right actors, the right fact checkers & outdoes the awesomeness of ‘Straight Outta Compton’. We’ll see how this fares & maybe then we’ll get a movie based on ‘2 Live Crew’. Now their battles with protecting 1st Amendment speech need to be shown.
-Cars 3: Or as I wanna call it, Cars: The Apology. That teaser that was released blew everyone away where it was Speed McQueen getting into a serious fender bender in a race track. Then a series of teaser shorts appeared, where they were shot like promos for new cars, featuring new characters. It looks like they want to go out of the style & tone of the first Cars film, but they don’t want to resort to goofy shit like they did in Cars 2. Seriously, spy cars? That was some Saturday morning cartoon out of the early 2000’s bullshit there. I will be watching this sequel, I’m not a Cars hater like everyone else. Cars is a social satire all you plebeians can’t wrap your head around. Cheech Marin is the embodiment of every struggling latino in this country. SYMBOLISM!!!!! This movie needs to be seen by everyone. To hell with that sequel & to hell with that ‘Planes’ movie. No, wait. Hideo Kojima liked that planes movie, that means we also have to like it. My mistake.
-Transformers: The Last Knight : It’s the same shit over & over & over again! Oh no, there’s a powerful force threatening mankind & it’s up to the autobots to stop it. Wait up! Before we get to the robots beating each other up & all the explosions, let’s get some human on human comedy on the way! Yeah, because that’s what people wanna see in a movie based off a cartoon where robots kill each other off. Sam Witwicky, give us your well written dialogue: “No no no no no no no noooo!!!!!” Oh, can’t forget the Victoria Secret model who is always blonde & looks like she hasn’t eaten a sandwich in 3 years! Then we get to the robot fighting (Along with the military who just end up getting killed or satying stupid shit) & it looks like two junkyards having sex with each other.
-DUH END!-
Now I’m not a Michael Bay apologist, when he fucks up he fucks up real bad. I’ve enjoyed ‘The Rock, Armageddon & love it more than the first, Bad Boys II was a 90’s action movie done in 2003. Then you get Pearl Harbor, the first Bad Boys & finally, the Transformers movies which just suuuuuuuuck! I admit, the first film didn’t faze me all that bad. It was a summer popcorn action flick with explosions & some humor. Little did I know that this would be the same template that Bay & company would reiterate every damn sequel. I am done, next film!
-The Last Batch: There’s no poster or screenshots, but the synopsis says it’s a Post-Apocalyptic movie set in Texas in a community where cannibals live. It’s a drama-romance. Oh dear god, this better not be based off a teen novel. They ruined Vampires, they ruined zombies; don’t ruin the post apocalypse & cannibals for me. I’ll keep my eye on this, I’m intrigued.
-47 Meters Down: So two girls try to seek a ‘TRILL’ by going cage diving in Mexico, then they become trapped in the cage underwater with sharks ‘n’ shit. This is what happens when you build a wall, godamnit! Also, this is what happens when you go down south on spring break & puke all over Mexican land. Mexicank sharks will eat you!
-Despicable Me 3: I am sooooo behind in this series of films. What’s goin on here? Did Gru steal the moon already or….? I don’t know what’s happening anymore, then I’m hearing people hate the minions because they’re Nazi minions & shit. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. All of you people made that series too convoluted, I can’t deal with this.
-The House: Starring Will Farrel & Amy Poehler. It’s settled, comedy is dead. Goodbye everyone.
-Amityville: The Awakening : So it’s basically a modern reboot of the first film which came out in the late 70’s. Eh. Just…..Eh. “Oh no, the house is haunted, boooooo hooo hoo!! Oh look, a spooky bat & a glowing pumpkin!” Yet folks still live in that damn house, get outta there you fucking people! Not my thing, but I will see it if someone can drive to the nearest Magic Johnson Theater here in LA. If there’s a movie about stupid people doing stupid shit in a haunted house, I have to see it in a Magic Johnson theater, it’s something I really need to experience in my lifetime.
-Spiderman: Homecomming : Now I don’t read Spiderman comics (Just bought a few issues to see if I do get an interest), but I did enjoy the first two Sam Raimi films from the 2000’s. That reboot that came out a few years ago wasn’t that bad, that was a big surprise. Now comes this film, it’s not a reboot so we’re in the green here. My problem is why can’t we have an adult Spiderman? I’m tired of the teenage superhero cliché of the meek nerd, the sociopath bully who fucks with the meek nerd, that brutal fakeness of the nerd having a chance with a stunningly sexy girl (Sorry nerds, but you‘ll never get it with the ultra sexy girl with the heavy eyeliner who goes all the way), then the whole dilemma of telling said sexy girl he’s a superhero. I’m tired of it, it’s gotten old. Will I see it? It’s not something I have to see immediately, but I’ll check it out when it’s on somewhere.
-A Ghost Story: A ghost story is what you’d expect, it’s a ghost story with actors & sets & locations. Rooney Mara is in it, she cute. I know I’ve been a perv on this blog as of recent, but I can carry her over my shoulders you know.
-War Of The Planet of the Apes: They shed first blood, that shit is on!!!! This is a documentary about what happens when the workers at a Cincinnati zoo kill the leader of the gorillas, the one they call …….’Magilla Gorilla’. I’ve seen the first film with James Franco & that one attractive bollywood actress, forgot her name. It wasn’t thaaat bad, compared to that shitty reboot Tim Burton did in 2001, it was a solid film at best. Still have not seen the second one, the one that’s all post apocalyptic with gorillas having machine guns. I do need to catch up because those movies are a blast.
-Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets: Luc Besson, the man who brought us ‘The Fifth Element, The Professional & La Femme Nikita’ is back at it again with another sci-fi film. I wish I can say I’m psyched, but as of recent his films felt less & less like his earlier films & lacked the ambition. His films had a type of style I can only describe as a French Terry Gilliam look with a heavy use of a light wide angle lense & colorful up the yin yang. Columbiana & Lucy felt less like Luc Besson & more like any other movie that was out at that moment. While I did like seeing Zoey Saldana kick ass, it felt like a half-assed, little to no emotional impact version of ’The Professional’. Could anyone see besides me see Zoey Saldana’s character be played by an adult Matilda? He looks like one of those directors who are no longer in their prime anymore & it kinda saddens me. I look back at The Fifth Element & it’s a special effects powerhouse that takes that whole end of the world, typical sci-fi blockbuster plot on its head. That film mixed in miniatures & CGI perfectly. I look at the trailer for his new film & it’s all CGI, nothing really feels natural. We go from those big wobbling robot alien things that were real costumes & the blue space diva to something made on a hard drive. It kinda saddens me, but who knows, I may be impressed with the characters & story. While it may not look like a throwback sci-fi epic, It does sound like a sci-fi epic. I guess I’ll have to see it to believe it. Despite that, this film is based on a French sci-fi comic book. Whether it will gain interest among an American audience or fall into obscurity, I don’t know. ‘Snowpiercer’ proved that American audiences can appreciate foreign source material as they do with the native stuff like the Marvel films.
-Dunkirk: I’ve fallen off the Christopher Nolan band wagon, not really impressed by the guy anymore. I see a lot of pretention, especially from the dialogue. I appreciate his love of practical effects as shown in the batman films & Interstellar, but sadly it’s all style & no substance in the writing. As for this movie, I’m not really gearing up to see this.
-The Dark Tower: Now I don’t jizz myself for every Stephen King adaptation. I agree his stories are entertaining & his tweets are hilarious, but as of recent I haven’t been as impressed for his other adaptations. Besides Kubrick’s ‘The Shining, Maximum Overdrive (I fucking love that killer car movie) and ‘Stand By Me’, his other works start off beautifully & end in one of theee most stupid ways possible. Case in point, The Sand. Hand of god my ass, I want my two of those eight hours back.
Either way, The Dark Tower looks right up my alley, but I’m not really excited for it. It may start off beautifully & end very stupidly. We’ll see.
-Atomic Blonde: The poster & the synopsis leave me to believe this is going to be like a 90’s action movie. An ultra sexy vixen works for MI6 & is sent on a mission in Berlin to deliver a dossier. All I can say is this sound very cheesy & very awesome. We got a sequel to ‘XXX’ which I heard was very over the top & cheesy, maybe this will be too. Don’t fail me.
-An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power : We’re still fucking shit up on planet earth. Thanks a lot, China. Why is a documentary on global warming getting a sequel? What’s there to say in this film that hasn’t been said in the first film & all those other Global Warming documentaries that came about after the film‘s release? We know it all, the ice caps are melting, the polar bears are loosing their homes, puppet demons are going to rape us! Why is there a sequel? Of all the documentaries out there, we need a sequel to Atlas Shrugged, call it ‘Atlas Shrugged: We’re still assholes & We Got One in the Oval Office’.
-Emoji: The Movie : Ohhhhhh dear god!!!!! This is the pinnacle of cinema here! This is going to be that timeless movie that will show future generations how things were back in 2017. ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’, pssshhh! ‘Midnight Cowboy’, pretentious crap. Emoji: The Movie, nah son, this shit will be the eye opener the modern audience will have to behold!
Alright, in all seriousness, this sounds like a movie you would hear a fake promo for in a Grand Theft Auto game! Who in their right mind thought “Oh, my friend sent me an Emoji. We gotta make a movie out of this. This has potential for a feature film & extended lore!” This sounds like something somebody would of made in 1986 during a coke fueled weekend. Cinema has been dead, now we’re just masturbating on its remains. No lie, this reminds me of the ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ movie from the 80’s where nobody just knew how to make a parody trading card set into a full length film.
-Annabelle 2: You know, as a kid I was freaked out at some real creepy shit like Xenomorphs, Chuds, Mac Tonite, Cenobites & Chucky. So this is what people are scared of now, a porcelain doll? Now to be honest, last Sunday I went to a flea market where some woman was selling a porcelain doll & that shit creeped me out. It looked like something out of a Dario Argento movie. The doll from ’Annabelle’ looks like something an old lady would have in her closet behind a locked case & the old lady would be more scarier than the doll because the old lady smells like prunes & yanks peoples ears really hard. I’d kick Annabelle’s bitch ass face.
-Naked: A remake of a Sweedish film from 2000 & it’s being distributed by Netflix. Oh, well now here we go, it may be faithful. It’s a comedy about a guy who ends up waking up naked in his hotel when he tries to get to the altar for his wedding. Oh, now that’s funny & original. Think Groundhog Day without pants. Heeh! Starring Marlon Wayans, FUCK!!!!
Now I grew up with ‘The Wayans Bros’ and that long as title for a movie ‘Don’t be a Menace to South Central Unless they’re Jizzing in Your Juice in da Hood’ (I think that’s the title). I laughed out loud even at the first two Scary Movie films. As of recent he’s become comedy cancer, second to Carlos Mencia. Those Haunted House movies were shit, then we get that one he did where it was a parody to ‘50 Shades of Grey’ which felt less like an F.U parody & more of a “We’re equally, if not worse than the film we’re parodying because we can’t write humor.” It’s that baaad.
Way to fuck up a remake, Netflix. At this point, that one Adam Sandler movie he made a few years ago doesn’t seem all too bad now. I said it.
-The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature : Compared to massive animation hits like ‘Frozen’ (Which everyone began to hate as soon as the hype waned down) and ‘Kung Fu Panda’, I’ve never seen any kids getting crazy for a movie like ‘The Nut Job’. What the fuck is up with that? Ohhhh, I get the subtitle, Nutty by nature. Hueh hueh hueh hueh haaaaaaaaa!!!!!! >L
-Logan Lucky: A Steven Soderberg film? Ohhh, hell yeah. He did a great job directing ‘The Knick’ on Cinemax. Can’t praise that show enough, go watch it if you’re in the mood for a medical procedural that isn’t handled like a network TV show. So it seems it’s a heist film starring……Channing (Can’t act out of a whore’s mouth) Tatum. ‘Sigh’, but here’s the weird thing about Soderberg here. One year he’ll be making some generic mainstream crap like the Oceans Eleven movies or Magic Mike, but in the next year he ends up making something unique, intelligent & original. He’s got the studio by the balls here. So I’m not at all pissed off, because come next year he’ll release something epically awesome on TV with a grade A cast. Just you watch.
-Terminator 2: Judgment Day 3D : A re-release in 3D, what?! I’m not a big fan of 3D, especially since I like sitting in the back seats where the 3D doesn’t really make a good effect. A re-release of one of the best sequels out there! Ohhhh man, this is what studios should be doing instead of remaking shit we love. Maybe then theaters can also screen that Universal Studios Terminator ride in 3D, yeah, that would be awesome. Man, I never got to visit that ride when I went to Universal Studios back in 2000. Fucking elementary school, too cheap ‘n’ shit.
-IT: Another Stephen King adaptation, this one has been hyped since forever. I remember hearing about the original mini-series (4hr film) as a kid & being petrified of it. This was like a movie that was only spoken about in hushed secrets & people built it up as this movie that would scare everyone. Then in early high school our filmmaking teacher showed us the mini-series. Despite a fucked up scene with a chicken fetus inside an egg yolk, Pennywise did nothing. All he does is appear in books & on top of rooftops to fuck with the main characters. I expected him to like murder a baby or something, instead he just sits there & says “Hey, wanna balloon, bitches?” Don’t get me wrong, Tim Curry did an amazing job & the suspense in the first act was creepy & amazing. Then came the final act & that’s when shit got goofy & stupid. Giant spiders, WTF?
Will I be out to see this movie? Kinda. I want to say I have hope that this won’t contain any of that paranormal bullshit, but I’d be delusional if I said it won’t. It’s the current state of horror, people would rather get creeped out over a CGI ghost & random shit moving about the place rather than a grotesque creature.
-The Solutrean: Remember that shitty movie ‘20,000 BC’ that sucked? This is that movie. No trailer is out nor are there any screenshots, but this sounds like that shitty 20,000 BC movie. Want to watch a much more artistic & epic movie with cavemen? Watch ‘A Quest For Fire’.
-The Lego Ninjago Movie: They just released ‘The Batman Movie’ & now they’re making another movie with …’Ninjago’? What the hell is that? That sounds like a Jamaican word. You know what? We need a Lego Ganja movie. Yah mon, ganja. I think that’s Jamaican for ‘weed’. I’m down for lego weed. Soundtrack by Yellowman.
-Friend Request: A horror movie about a girl who uses Facebook a lot, befriends some ‘weirdo’ on face book & now all her friends are dying because of someone she added on Facebook. Whooo loo loo! This is stupid, more stupid than that Skype horror movie. What was it called again? I think it was called ‘Jilly Bingus & the Creepy Dingus’. That’s not scary, that sounds like stupid fan fiction written by a fifth grader.
-Flatliners: A remake starring Ellen Page, aw bullfuck! If anyone embodies an annoying person who thinks she knows everything like a snotty bitch, it’s Ellen Page. Why remake an already good movie. Sadly, the original film doesn’t get enough love. Sure, it has flaws but it’s so beautifully directed. The visuals are what you would expect from Joel Schumacher, the guy who gave us ‘The Lost Boys & Batman and Robin’. The original is pretty timeless, nothing dates that movie except Keifer Sutherland’s suido mullet. This remake doesn’t need to exist. I feel they’re going to take out all the emotional drama & the use of color lighting for more paranormal action & color correcting editing to make this film bland & shrill. Watch the original.
Well, it looks like I will be ending this installment for now, gone on too long. IThe fifth will be the final installment, we’re on that final innig here!!
Tune in next week for the rest. I’m looking ahead at some of these titles & ohhhh boy, I got a lot to say.
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Either way, I want to see it & I can tell you I won’t be able to find it anywhere. Why? It’s released by some company called ‘Vertical’ & of course, Limited Release. Fuck! We need to stop paying money to see some bitch sing about boyfriends & watch Lady Bloodfight! It’s a feminist duty.
-Wakefield: Follows a man who leaves his wife for an extended period of time. I’m sure this movie will be overly depressing & melodramatic as all fuck because “We can’t have people being happy all the time. Let’s depress them now so we can take advantage of them! MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!!” Dead beat dads are fucking assholes, let that be known. If you yourself are reading this & left your family to fend for themselves. Thank you for the readership, but you are an asshole.
-Captain Underpants: The First Movie : Aww yeah, 90’s shit jokes! I’ll tell you, in a time when I couldn’t read comics in school (EVEN THOUGH IT STILL COUNTS AS READING!!) the closest thing we got to reading lewd & gross out comix was Captain Underpants. It mixed in prose fiction with various comic segments, all of it written & drawn by a kid (At least that’s what the back of the book lead us to believe). So yeah, Captain Underpants was awesome, especially since he fought poop monsters & other hilarious villains. It almost felt like [Adult Swim] for kids in the way that it was drawn & presented. Sure, it’s going to have the tropes of any other animated film that’s out now, but this film is something new! Not only will it grab my age group to the theaters, but it will also grab the younger generation. The whole film is basically an adaptation of the first book, hopefully the shit monsters come later. It’s been a while since I’ve read those books, may have to get them to see if they’re any good………………………………...............................................................I doubt it.
-The Mummy: An unnecessary remake!
Ohh where do I start with this piece of shit. Yeah, I’m already calling it a piece of shit before it hit’s the theaters. Arrogant, I know. Tom Cruise is like cinematic crabs. You can pray all you want that they’ll disappear, but after disappearing they come back again! I don’t care how much Hollywood keeps pushing Jack Reacher or the Mission Impossible sequels, Tom Cruise isn’t a badass. Every action film he’s starred in feels like he’s paying a lot of money to make himself look like a badass action star. Then you got the adding of the military into it. I’m not against the military here, I support the troops, but I’m sick of every Hollywood action film involving the military into every little film. Godzilla 2014, of course the military is in every Godzilla film, but when they spent most of the film with the military it got too fucking absurd. Suicide Squad did not need the military! They were villains who were hired to kill off the solid poop people & yet they also sent the military. Maybe just send the military to do the job instead of the super villains!! It seems almost ‘propoganda-ish’ & a clear contractual obligation that every action film needs to include the military to rake in that Middle-America money. ’Murica, fuck yeah! Then again, whenever I see the military in action films (that aren’t war films) they’re either there as background or fodder or to make the primary characters look strong & smart. Either this is Anti-Propoganda or it’s there just to hook the ‘Muricans into watching a Hollywood film. Not all movies need the military, but also not all movies need pretty people. Whatever happened to reliability?
To end it, why remake a classic film that was then remade in 1999? I admit, I haven’t seen the original Universal Horror film, the 1999 remake was fun & kept in some of the horror elements. It was awesome & very pulpy than I remembered. What, modern audiences can’t get behind pulp inspired action? They can’t get behind a swash buckling adventure with Brendan Fraiser? Why remake? I feel sooooo bad for Brendan Fraiser right now. Jorge, Jorge, Jorge of the jungle…….watch out for that wall. The trailer shows that this film feels vapid, lifeless, colorless & boring. It contains too many clichés, even down to the quick fades & cuts to black. Tom Cruise, I refuse.
-All Eyez On Me: A biopic on 2Pac! So we are getting a 2Pac movie, hooray!!! I’ve yet to see the trailer & I hope to all the rap gods that they don’t make the same mistake as they did with the Bigee Smalls movie from 2009. I just rewatched that film & have you guys seen that vine that parodies how BET movies begin? That film basically begins like a BET made for TV movie. Uh oh, shit’s about to happen until the film pauses & you hear the narrator saying “This seems shitty, huh? Well, before we move on, let me tell you how this all started.” then the film rewinds to the very beginning. It’s a pretty useless trope. Hopefully this film is big budget, they got the right actors, the right fact checkers & outdoes the awesomeness of ‘Straight Outta Compton’. We’ll see how this fares & maybe then we’ll get a movie based on ‘2 Live Crew’. Now their battles with protecting 1st Amendment speech need to be shown.
-Cars 3: Or as I wanna call it, Cars: The Apology. That teaser that was released blew everyone away where it was Speed McQueen getting into a serious fender bender in a race track. Then a series of teaser shorts appeared, where they were shot like promos for new cars, featuring new characters. It looks like they want to go out of the style & tone of the first Cars film, but they don’t want to resort to goofy shit like they did in Cars 2. Seriously, spy cars? That was some Saturday morning cartoon out of the early 2000’s bullshit there. I will be watching this sequel, I’m not a Cars hater like everyone else. Cars is a social satire all you plebeians can’t wrap your head around. Cheech Marin is the embodiment of every struggling latino in this country. SYMBOLISM!!!!! This movie needs to be seen by everyone. To hell with that sequel & to hell with that ‘Planes’ movie. No, wait. Hideo Kojima liked that planes movie, that means we also have to like it. My mistake.
-Transformers: The Last Knight : It’s the same shit over & over & over again! Oh no, there’s a powerful force threatening mankind & it’s up to the autobots to stop it. Wait up! Before we get to the robots beating each other up & all the explosions, let’s get some human on human comedy on the way! Yeah, because that’s what people wanna see in a movie based off a cartoon where robots kill each other off. Sam Witwicky, give us your well written dialogue: “No no no no no no no noooo!!!!!” Oh, can’t forget the Victoria Secret model who is always blonde & looks like she hasn’t eaten a sandwich in 3 years! Then we get to the robot fighting (Along with the military who just end up getting killed or satying stupid shit) & it looks like two junkyards having sex with each other.
-DUH END!-
Now I’m not a Michael Bay apologist, when he fucks up he fucks up real bad. I’ve enjoyed ‘The Rock, Armageddon & love it more than the first, Bad Boys II was a 90’s action movie done in 2003. Then you get Pearl Harbor, the first Bad Boys & finally, the Transformers movies which just suuuuuuuuck! I admit, the first film didn’t faze me all that bad. It was a summer popcorn action flick with explosions & some humor. Little did I know that this would be the same template that Bay & company would reiterate every damn sequel. I am done, next film!
-The Last Batch: There’s no poster or screenshots, but the synopsis says it’s a Post-Apocalyptic movie set in Texas in a community where cannibals live. It’s a drama-romance. Oh dear god, this better not be based off a teen novel. They ruined Vampires, they ruined zombies; don’t ruin the post apocalypse & cannibals for me. I’ll keep my eye on this, I’m intrigued.
-47 Meters Down: So two girls try to seek a ‘TRILL’ by going cage diving in Mexico, then they become trapped in the cage underwater with sharks ‘n’ shit. This is what happens when you build a wall, godamnit! Also, this is what happens when you go down south on spring break & puke all over Mexican land. Mexicank sharks will eat you!
-Despicable Me 3: I am sooooo behind in this series of films. What’s goin on here? Did Gru steal the moon already or….? I don’t know what’s happening anymore, then I’m hearing people hate the minions because they’re Nazi minions & shit. I don’t know what’s going on anymore. All of you people made that series too convoluted, I can’t deal with this.
-The House: Starring Will Farrel & Amy Poehler. It’s settled, comedy is dead. Goodbye everyone.
-Amityville: The Awakening : So it’s basically a modern reboot of the first film which came out in the late 70’s. Eh. Just…..Eh. “Oh no, the house is haunted, boooooo hooo hoo!! Oh look, a spooky bat & a glowing pumpkin!” Yet folks still live in that damn house, get outta there you fucking people! Not my thing, but I will see it if someone can drive to the nearest Magic Johnson Theater here in LA. If there’s a movie about stupid people doing stupid shit in a haunted house, I have to see it in a Magic Johnson theater, it’s something I really need to experience in my lifetime.
-Spiderman: Homecomming : Now I don’t read Spiderman comics (Just bought a few issues to see if I do get an interest), but I did enjoy the first two Sam Raimi films from the 2000’s. That reboot that came out a few years ago wasn’t that bad, that was a big surprise. Now comes this film, it’s not a reboot so we’re in the green here. My problem is why can’t we have an adult Spiderman? I’m tired of the teenage superhero cliché of the meek nerd, the sociopath bully who fucks with the meek nerd, that brutal fakeness of the nerd having a chance with a stunningly sexy girl (Sorry nerds, but you‘ll never get it with the ultra sexy girl with the heavy eyeliner who goes all the way), then the whole dilemma of telling said sexy girl he’s a superhero. I’m tired of it, it’s gotten old. Will I see it? It’s not something I have to see immediately, but I’ll check it out when it’s on somewhere.
-A Ghost Story: A ghost story is what you’d expect, it’s a ghost story with actors & sets & locations. Rooney Mara is in it, she cute. I know I’ve been a perv on this blog as of recent, but I can carry her over my shoulders you know.
-War Of The Planet of the Apes: They shed first blood, that shit is on!!!! This is a documentary about what happens when the workers at a Cincinnati zoo kill the leader of the gorillas, the one they call …….’Magilla Gorilla’. I’ve seen the first film with James Franco & that one attractive bollywood actress, forgot her name. It wasn’t thaaat bad, compared to that shitty reboot Tim Burton did in 2001, it was a solid film at best. Still have not seen the second one, the one that’s all post apocalyptic with gorillas having machine guns. I do need to catch up because those movies are a blast.
-Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets: Luc Besson, the man who brought us ‘The Fifth Element, The Professional & La Femme Nikita’ is back at it again with another sci-fi film. I wish I can say I’m psyched, but as of recent his films felt less & less like his earlier films & lacked the ambition. His films had a type of style I can only describe as a French Terry Gilliam look with a heavy use of a light wide angle lense & colorful up the yin yang. Columbiana & Lucy felt less like Luc Besson & more like any other movie that was out at that moment. While I did like seeing Zoey Saldana kick ass, it felt like a half-assed, little to no emotional impact version of ’The Professional’. Could anyone see besides me see Zoey Saldana’s character be played by an adult Matilda? He looks like one of those directors who are no longer in their prime anymore & it kinda saddens me. I look back at The Fifth Element & it’s a special effects powerhouse that takes that whole end of the world, typical sci-fi blockbuster plot on its head. That film mixed in miniatures & CGI perfectly. I look at the trailer for his new film & it’s all CGI, nothing really feels natural. We go from those big wobbling robot alien things that were real costumes & the blue space diva to something made on a hard drive. It kinda saddens me, but who knows, I may be impressed with the characters & story. While it may not look like a throwback sci-fi epic, It does sound like a sci-fi epic. I guess I’ll have to see it to believe it. Despite that, this film is based on a French sci-fi comic book. Whether it will gain interest among an American audience or fall into obscurity, I don’t know. ‘Snowpiercer’ proved that American audiences can appreciate foreign source material as they do with the native stuff like the Marvel films.
-Dunkirk: I’ve fallen off the Christopher Nolan band wagon, not really impressed by the guy anymore. I see a lot of pretention, especially from the dialogue. I appreciate his love of practical effects as shown in the batman films & Interstellar, but sadly it’s all style & no substance in the writing. As for this movie, I’m not really gearing up to see this.
-The Dark Tower: Now I don’t jizz myself for every Stephen King adaptation. I agree his stories are entertaining & his tweets are hilarious, but as of recent I haven’t been as impressed for his other adaptations. Besides Kubrick’s ‘The Shining, Maximum Overdrive (I fucking love that killer car movie) and ‘Stand By Me’, his other works start off beautifully & end in one of theee most stupid ways possible. Case in point, The Sand. Hand of god my ass, I want my two of those eight hours back.
Either way, The Dark Tower looks right up my alley, but I’m not really excited for it. It may start off beautifully & end very stupidly. We’ll see.
-Atomic Blonde: The poster & the synopsis leave me to believe this is going to be like a 90’s action movie. An ultra sexy vixen works for MI6 & is sent on a mission in Berlin to deliver a dossier. All I can say is this sound very cheesy & very awesome. We got a sequel to ‘XXX’ which I heard was very over the top & cheesy, maybe this will be too. Don’t fail me.
-An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth To Power : We’re still fucking shit up on planet earth. Thanks a lot, China. Why is a documentary on global warming getting a sequel? What’s there to say in this film that hasn’t been said in the first film & all those other Global Warming documentaries that came about after the film‘s release? We know it all, the ice caps are melting, the polar bears are loosing their homes, puppet demons are going to rape us! Why is there a sequel? Of all the documentaries out there, we need a sequel to Atlas Shrugged, call it ‘Atlas Shrugged: We’re still assholes & We Got One in the Oval Office’.
-Emoji: The Movie : Ohhhhhh dear god!!!!! This is the pinnacle of cinema here! This is going to be that timeless movie that will show future generations how things were back in 2017. ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’, pssshhh! ‘Midnight Cowboy’, pretentious crap. Emoji: The Movie, nah son, this shit will be the eye opener the modern audience will have to behold!
Alright, in all seriousness, this sounds like a movie you would hear a fake promo for in a Grand Theft Auto game! Who in their right mind thought “Oh, my friend sent me an Emoji. We gotta make a movie out of this. This has potential for a feature film & extended lore!” This sounds like something somebody would of made in 1986 during a coke fueled weekend. Cinema has been dead, now we’re just masturbating on its remains. No lie, this reminds me of the ‘Garbage Pail Kids’ movie from the 80’s where nobody just knew how to make a parody trading card set into a full length film.
-Annabelle 2: You know, as a kid I was freaked out at some real creepy shit like Xenomorphs, Chuds, Mac Tonite, Cenobites & Chucky. So this is what people are scared of now, a porcelain doll? Now to be honest, last Sunday I went to a flea market where some woman was selling a porcelain doll & that shit creeped me out. It looked like something out of a Dario Argento movie. The doll from ’Annabelle’ looks like something an old lady would have in her closet behind a locked case & the old lady would be more scarier than the doll because the old lady smells like prunes & yanks peoples ears really hard. I’d kick Annabelle’s bitch ass face.
-Naked: A remake of a Sweedish film from 2000 & it’s being distributed by Netflix. Oh, well now here we go, it may be faithful. It’s a comedy about a guy who ends up waking up naked in his hotel when he tries to get to the altar for his wedding. Oh, now that’s funny & original. Think Groundhog Day without pants. Heeh! Starring Marlon Wayans, FUCK!!!!
Now I grew up with ‘The Wayans Bros’ and that long as title for a movie ‘Don’t be a Menace to South Central Unless they’re Jizzing in Your Juice in da Hood’ (I think that’s the title). I laughed out loud even at the first two Scary Movie films. As of recent he’s become comedy cancer, second to Carlos Mencia. Those Haunted House movies were shit, then we get that one he did where it was a parody to ‘50 Shades of Grey’ which felt less like an F.U parody & more of a “We’re equally, if not worse than the film we’re parodying because we can’t write humor.” It’s that baaad.
Way to fuck up a remake, Netflix. At this point, that one Adam Sandler movie he made a few years ago doesn’t seem all too bad now. I said it.
-The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature : Compared to massive animation hits like ‘Frozen’ (Which everyone began to hate as soon as the hype waned down) and ‘Kung Fu Panda’, I’ve never seen any kids getting crazy for a movie like ‘The Nut Job’. What the fuck is up with that? Ohhhh, I get the subtitle, Nutty by nature. Hueh hueh hueh hueh haaaaaaaaa!!!!!! >L
-Logan Lucky: A Steven Soderberg film? Ohhh, hell yeah. He did a great job directing ‘The Knick’ on Cinemax. Can’t praise that show enough, go watch it if you’re in the mood for a medical procedural that isn’t handled like a network TV show. So it seems it’s a heist film starring……Channing (Can’t act out of a whore’s mouth) Tatum. ‘Sigh’, but here’s the weird thing about Soderberg here. One year he’ll be making some generic mainstream crap like the Oceans Eleven movies or Magic Mike, but in the next year he ends up making something unique, intelligent & original. He’s got the studio by the balls here. So I’m not at all pissed off, because come next year he’ll release something epically awesome on TV with a grade A cast. Just you watch.
-Terminator 2: Judgment Day 3D : A re-release in 3D, what?! I’m not a big fan of 3D, especially since I like sitting in the back seats where the 3D doesn’t really make a good effect. A re-release of one of the best sequels out there! Ohhhh man, this is what studios should be doing instead of remaking shit we love. Maybe then theaters can also screen that Universal Studios Terminator ride in 3D, yeah, that would be awesome. Man, I never got to visit that ride when I went to Universal Studios back in 2000. Fucking elementary school, too cheap ‘n’ shit.
-IT: Another Stephen King adaptation, this one has been hyped since forever. I remember hearing about the original mini-series (4hr film) as a kid & being petrified of it. This was like a movie that was only spoken about in hushed secrets & people built it up as this movie that would scare everyone. Then in early high school our filmmaking teacher showed us the mini-series. Despite a fucked up scene with a chicken fetus inside an egg yolk, Pennywise did nothing. All he does is appear in books & on top of rooftops to fuck with the main characters. I expected him to like murder a baby or something, instead he just sits there & says “Hey, wanna balloon, bitches?” Don’t get me wrong, Tim Curry did an amazing job & the suspense in the first act was creepy & amazing. Then came the final act & that’s when shit got goofy & stupid. Giant spiders, WTF?
Will I be out to see this movie? Kinda. I want to say I have hope that this won’t contain any of that paranormal bullshit, but I’d be delusional if I said it won’t. It’s the current state of horror, people would rather get creeped out over a CGI ghost & random shit moving about the place rather than a grotesque creature.
-The Solutrean: Remember that shitty movie ‘20,000 BC’ that sucked? This is that movie. No trailer is out nor are there any screenshots, but this sounds like that shitty 20,000 BC movie. Want to watch a much more artistic & epic movie with cavemen? Watch ‘A Quest For Fire’.
-The Lego Ninjago Movie: They just released ‘The Batman Movie’ & now they’re making another movie with …’Ninjago’? What the hell is that? That sounds like a Jamaican word. You know what? We need a Lego Ganja movie. Yah mon, ganja. I think that’s Jamaican for ‘weed’. I’m down for lego weed. Soundtrack by Yellowman.
-Friend Request: A horror movie about a girl who uses Facebook a lot, befriends some ‘weirdo’ on face book & now all her friends are dying because of someone she added on Facebook. Whooo loo loo! This is stupid, more stupid than that Skype horror movie. What was it called again? I think it was called ‘Jilly Bingus & the Creepy Dingus’. That’s not scary, that sounds like stupid fan fiction written by a fifth grader.
-Flatliners: A remake starring Ellen Page, aw bullfuck! If anyone embodies an annoying person who thinks she knows everything like a snotty bitch, it’s Ellen Page. Why remake an already good movie. Sadly, the original film doesn’t get enough love. Sure, it has flaws but it’s so beautifully directed. The visuals are what you would expect from Joel Schumacher, the guy who gave us ‘The Lost Boys & Batman and Robin’. The original is pretty timeless, nothing dates that movie except Keifer Sutherland’s suido mullet. This remake doesn’t need to exist. I feel they’re going to take out all the emotional drama & the use of color lighting for more paranormal action & color correcting editing to make this film bland & shrill. Watch the original.
Well, it looks like I will be ending this installment for now, gone on too long. IThe fifth will be the final installment, we’re on that final innig here!!
Tune in next week for the rest. I’m looking ahead at some of these titles & ohhhh boy, I got a lot to say.
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