Cut to the chase, Let’s sink this bitch.
Snowtime: Remember that shitty 2000’s Nickelodeon movie ‘Snow Day’? Imagine that film with a well though of story & not some ‘Kidz Rule, Adults Drool’ message behind it. This is what this movie basically is.
So a bunch of kids decide to make the best of their winter break, but what turns into a fun snowball fight turns into a serious conflict in which the kids learn about Friendship & unity. I keep thinking this is going to be ‘Apocalypse Now’ with kids and snowball fights. To top it all off it is animated, so there you go. In recent times animated kids films have risen off the ghetto of the 2000’s & have become intelligent & fun now. So I have high hopes for this. Lucky 2010’s kids, I had to suffer through ‘Aladdin 2: Jagar Needs Glasses’.
Forsaken: You mean they adapted the late 90’s video game with the hovercrafts & lasers?
No. It’s a western with Keifer Sutherland, booo. Well I’m not as big into the westerns as I should be. I’ll watch an episode of ‘The Rifleman’ here and there, but I’m not an uber fan of it. We’ll see.
City of Women: A Fellini film, in 2016?! I didn’t know he was still alive. Well, my artistic snobbish side will say this is high arte & a contender for the Oscars. If you don’t agree, then you sir are an uncultured swine!
In all honesty, I had no idea Fellini was still alive & the only Fellini flick I’ve seen was one about Clowns that was both Semi-autobiographical, half documentary & probably half fiction. It was alright, but only saw parts of it, I still need to see the rest of it. Fellini, will this one include a skeleton smoking a pipe next to red roses? Movies in black and white make pretentious film critics ejaculate, remember that folks.
Rolling Papers: May I say that this is the Antithesis to ‘Reefer Madness’?
Crazy About Tiffany’s: I am intrigued, why are people so obsessed with buying jewelry at Tiffany’s & why don’t they sell breakfast? Ladies (You too Metrosexual men), why is Tiffany’s the top place to buy Jewelry? Kay Jewelers ain’t good enough for you or the local pawn shop? I admit, the commercials for Kay Jewelers are so fucking annoying, I actually committed suicide after some girl talked about how one of their commercials was their inspiration to create a song with her acoustic guitar.
Yes, I am a ghost. Ooohhh boogity boogity.
Busco Un Novio Para Mi Mujer (Translation: Looking for a Boyfriend For My Woman): Here we go again, an unfunny Mexican movie, but at least it isn’t some Narco, cowboy hat wearing, mustache rapist melodrama.
So the title pretty much explains the story, some guy decides to find a boyfriend because he no longer wants to deal with his bitch wife. Motherfucker, just get a divorce. Like walk away & abandon her. LOL >,<
The commercials are fucking abysmal, this looks like the type of movie you take your girlfriend to see so you guys can intentionally fight on the drive home. Either because the other thought it was funny or because they both hated it.
Gods of Egypt: A fantasy action movie about a white washed Egypt, where have I seen this? Where have any of us seen this? Hmmm, this is a mystery. There’s a show on one of the Spanish speaking channels here in LA called ‘Jose From Egypt’ and even I gotta say that’s not white washed, but brown washed & it doesn’t make sense. It’s like making a movie about geishas starring non Japanese actors. Oh wait that has happened before.
Also, this is an Alex Proyas film, it’s gonna suck. He struck luck with ‘The Crow’ & ‘Dark City’, then he started sucking with films like ‘I-Robot’. Anyone remember ‘Knowing’? He made that & it was generic, but the ending was pretty dark. EVERYONE DIES because Nicolas Cage doesn’t know math. He’s relatable, I don’t know math either.
Triple 9: MARK OF THE BEAST!!!!! In all seriousness, this is a heist movie & I’m not as big into heist movies. ‘Jackie Brown’ is kinda sorta a heist movie, but that one was different enough & executed uniquely. All I see are screenshots & a synopsis, so if the trailers engage me, I’ll give it a chance.
Recently there have been many heist films, did that ‘Tower Heist’ movie with Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller really set off a boost in heist films. There are titles on this list I didn’t mention because I have no comments for it, but most of them are heist films. What is up with that, America?
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Sword of Destiny: This is a sequel & it’s one of Netflix’s many ‘original’ films.
‘Sigh’, as much as I despise Netflix, they are taking advantage of their Exclusivity sales motto & I have to commend them for that. Unlike Television where shows like ‘Law & Order’ are on the air in more than 3 different channels, Netflix and Hulu and all those services are being exclusive, making people pick and choose. TV is pretty much dead & streaming is the future, sad to say. I admit, most of the time I’m not watching TV (Except for the occasional Supergirl every Monday night & any cinemax film that is on at the moment.), but most of the time I’m watching episodes of Cinema Snob & AVGN on YouTube.
And now about the movie, I’ll have to see if I can see it one way or the other. I don’t plan to have a Netflix account anytime soon. I’m a broke bastard.
The Last Man on the Moon: It’s ‘The Martian’ but semi-autobiographical so it might not be as well received just because it sounds slow & not fun like ‘The Martian’.
That’s the thought of the average theater attending audience.
Against The Wild 2: Survive The Serengeti: Remember in the 90’s when you had this small Hollywood trend of Kids’ survival films, especially in literature? Dear god, almost everyone in grade school told me to read ’Hatchet’. Maybe I don’t want to read that book, ever thought of that Mr.you should read this! This is it, this is Hollywood trying to bring that back again. No one cares & neither do I. To hell with the bears!!!
The 90’s kids trends are coming back, last year we had the movie ‘Max’ which is reminiscent to those dog movies where the animals are somehow connected & end up thwarting some human crime plans. While we’re at it, bring back those 90’s kids movies that were intended for kids, but there’s some heavy as hell adult stuff in it. I’m talking along stuff the ranks of ‘Cool World’ and ‘Batman: Mask of the Phantasm’.
Standoff: Thomas Jane, as a former Verteran, protects his daughter from assholes who she saw murder someone. This already has the makings for a Punisher reboot, especially since Thomas Jane is a big fan of the comics series. Check out ‘Dirty Laundry’, that was a badass Punisher short film.
Queen of the Desert: Oh here we go again, a movie trying to be like an already shitty film that won an Oscar at the time. Just call it ‘Out of Africa 2: Going Back to Africa’.
Oh & by the way, a few years ago I think I ranted about modern movies & mentioned Out of Africa as this pinnacle of cinema. I was being sincere, I was acting like the pretentious cinema snob. That movie sucks, nice cinematography but it’s an oscar baity, boring 3 hour movie that deserves to disappear & it has. Merryl Streep, give it a rest, you know you’re going to win the Oscar, if not you then Helen Mirren will. Gracefully aging actresses for the win!
Psycho Pass: The Movie: Everyone’s telling me to watch the anime, it’s cyberpunky. Egh, too weebish for me.
I miss the old style of anime, this new current style & aesthetic looks too lazy & weeaboo inspired. I miss the days when…….you know, I don’t know what I want with my anime anymore.
London Has Fallen: Oh, a sequel to ‘Olympus Has Fallen’, because apparently that had a following. I remember when people were complaining about Olympus Has Fallen, but praising ‘White House Down’ with Channing (Can’t fucking act his way out of an ISIS interrogation room) Tatum & Jaime (Saved a guy from a burning car) Foxx. I have seen none, but I’m glad most of the terrorist explosions & chaos isn’t happening in California or New York. Maybe if this flick does good in the box office, maybe we can get a movie where terrorists destroy Kansas, call it ‘Cornfields Down’. North Korea (Which already shows the kind of tone we’re going for this film.) versus Kansas farmers & teen Juggalos. Make it happen.
Zootopia: A movie surprisingly movie cynic ‘Josh Hadley’ wants to see & that kinda freaked me out. For someone who doesn‘t typically gear towards current kids films, I thought he would say some critical words about this particular flick which I‘m always intrigued to listen to. I believe Alternate universe Josh Hadley has taken the place of our universe’s Josh Hadley. But then again, the movie looks kinda funny.
It’s for the kids, not my thing but I’ll end up seeing it sometime.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Tina Fay trying to do drama, I’m scared.
Put Megan Mullaly, Molly Shannon & Tina Fey into a dome shaped gladiatorial arena, the fight for supreme glasses wearing woman victor is on. Call it ‘Unfunny Glasses Wearing Fight: Beyond Thunderdome’.
Desierto: I‘m going to sound like an Americanized kid who doesn‘t get the struggle. Believe me, I get the struggle, it‘s around me. I can‘t go a day without hearing about Ice agents taking some neighbors‘ dad or mom. It‘s sad, but must we have another movie about illegal immigrants struggling in some way or other? It‘s a message movie, you pretty much know what the outcome of the audience‘s reaction.
I was listening to a recent episode of ‘Geek Juice Radio’ where they discussed Message movies, Mister X & Alex Jowski were on the ball when they said the message movie genre is pretty much a ‘Pat yourself in the back for not being that horrible’ kind of film. The only people that are going to see this film are people that already understand the subject matter. No one against the message is going to watch the film, it’s not like they’re going to see the film without knowing that they’ll leave with a different state of mind. You can bet you will never see Neo Nazis going into ‘Red Tails’ and thinking “Man, those black guys in jets were awesome. I’m going to stop hating other races because that movie opened my eyes.” If it did, then the world would be a much muuuch muuuuuuch better place. You’ll learn something new, but most of the time it’s the same message you probably knew before seeing the movie. Take for example ‘Crash’, I already know racism is bad, but the whole movie is nothing but a 2 hour reel of how racism is bad.
When it comes to this film, I’m just sick that already trite genre in Mexican film of the Illegal Immigrant protagonist who starts life anew in Mexico or fails because the system is shit which leaves you more depressed than when you read the synopsis.
The best & probably the first one to get wide distribution was ‘El Norte’, a film about a Guatemalan brother & sister who escape their militant ruled town & travel to the US. It seemed like after that film struck gold, all these big or small directors & small home video studios started doing the same shit. I won’t doubt that someone was actually put their own personal true accounts of crossing the border into film, but most of the ones I’m seeing are melodramatic pieces of shit that are more parodies than serious.
I may have said this before, but it seems like it’s always these kinds of film that always get the major national distribution. People bitching that Hollywood isn’t representing us, but they’re the same crowd that flock to all that melodramatic stuff that isn’t well written or well done. I grew up loving science fiction & reading about technology that we might soon get (already have) so of course my friends always asked the question “Why aren’t there any latinos in science fiction movies?” or “Why don’t Mexicans make science fiction movies?” Truth is, there are Mexican science fiction movies (Aside from the Santo films where he fights space aliens), it’s just major distributors & the mainstream don’t give them any attention, there eyes are always in the Oscar bait that are the immigrant stories because that’s happening now.
Sorry guys, it’s just this is getting too crazy with all the talks about race & representation, yet the people up top aren‘t doing anything, they‘re just bringing home the same shit that everyone complains about. I’m sick of the genre, it‘s too real, we need something that will show everyone that we‘re more than just the culture behind Illegal Immigration & Cartels. I understand that this type of subject matter is still relevant, but come on, take a fucking break, make a horror film, an action film, a film that will make not just Mexican audiences, but audiences of all shapes, colors & sizes have fun viewing. Mexico needs a renaissance of film, everyone here in the US needs to form their own renaissance. Sure, we’ll have a lot of crap to sort through before finding that gem, but that gem will be worth it.
I got nothing for this film, I just wanted to talk about the crap that’s been on my mind about Mexican film.
The Boy And The Beast: An anime movie I am interested in watching, but of course ‘Limited Release’. I don’t get Hollywood’s disinterest in foreign films. If you aren’t comfortable watching a weird German film, then don’t watch it you plebeian!!! AMC theaters here in California sometimes dabbles into screening foreign films, but most of the time it’s either some romance flick or some war film. Why not anime bro?
The Wave: It’s about a wave who is an asshole, soaking everything & shit. Floods & waves are assholes, so is the moon who controls the waves and floods.
Me Him Her: A bunch of whiny teens struggle with who they want to ‘bump uglies’ with. This generation of pretty youths sucks, not dicks because they are unsure of that.
The Divergent Series: Allegiant: I’m not a teen, not read any books of this particular series. Is there a fan base for this? Comparing these Divergent books with ‘Hunger Games, Harry Pooter & Twilight’, does Divergent have any kind of following, either cult or mainstream? It’s odd, I’m not seeing people talk about this or wait in lines outside the book shop to get a copy from this franchise. Hmm. Seriously, Hollywood? Why does this have a sequel? Please email me Hollywood at: blacktime.epress@aol.com
Pee Wee’s Big Holiday: It’s two hours of our favorite zany character ‘Pee Wee Herman’ going out of town for a week & visiting a porno theater. Spoiler Alert: A guy sitting in front of Pee Wee gets soaked. Hoo hoo!!!! FUN FOR THE FAMILY, INCLUDING YOUR UNCLE (Who likes kids to call him ‘Uncle Bad Touch’)
Alright, that was too low of a blow for a joke. I’m sorry………….chesterthemolester. >.<
The Comfirmation: Remember that one movie where a Mexican man & his son go all throughout California to look for their landscaping truck & begin to establish a connection? This is that movie, but with white people & instead of a truck, they’re looking for a toolbox.
Wait another minuit!!! Saban Films?! The same people responsible for ‘Godfrey Ho-ing’ Super Sentai to turn into ‘Power Rangers’ produced this flick. WHAAAAAAAAAA THE FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!! So instead of bringing back Saturday Morining cartoons, they’re in the movie business. Oh what rotten luck!
The Bronze: Oh here we got again, a loud mouthed woman cursing. Hurr hurr hurr. This is the housewives’ guide to being EDGY as fudge. Ohhh, better watch out, that mom is gonna be ‘Baaaaaaad to the bone!’ HUR HUR HUR HURRRRRR REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE SMARTER THAN THIS!!!!
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice: More like ‘Superman V Batman: Gay For Justice’. They fight so hard because they don’t want to expose their love for each other publicly, but at home they love hard.
This is pretty much Zack Snyder saying “I just read ‘The Dark Knight Returns’. I don’t know what ‘Social commentary’ is, but I like the part when Batman punch Superman. Mee gonna doo dis.”
If you want a thinking man’s version of this story, read The Dark Knight Returns. It was written when Frank Miller was all about the music, now he just sucks. But then again, I haven’t read his recent ‘DK III: The Master Race’.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2: I’ve sat through the first movie & I sat through half of ‘Life in Ruins‘, I admit it! I have two sisters, that is my explanation & all other accusations and insinuations are null & void!
My question, did this really need a sequel & who the fuck is gonna get married next? The first film is about the woman’s family & their reaction when she started dating an American man. Ohohhoh, the American dude‘s family is the very definition of white bread! I assume the daughter of the couple from the previous film is going to get married. I don’t blame whoever‘s marrying the girl, she looks FIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEEE!!!! But then again I’ve had an interest in pale girls who wear black. I love the pale wommens.
The Disappointments Room: I’m in it, that’s the disappointment for you.
Well, it’s about a couple that moves into a Louisiana mansion (Rich people, being handed everything & shit) where they start finding out about the home’s past disturbing owners in a room they stumble upon.
It’s directed by the same person who did ‘Eagle Eye’ & ‘Suburbia’, one was a mediocre thriller with a crappy ending & the other was a cheap remake of ‘Rear Window’ with a different title. At least they had the decency to not call it ‘Rear Window 2: Windex Rising’.
Get a Job: This list is getting meta on me, I don’t like it. So this is a comedy about grad students trying to get a job.
That’s not funny, this pretty much seems like a rich man’s comedy. “Hahahaha!! Look, the woman’s got a degree in nursery & she’s working at Pete Zahut! Hahahahah!!!!”
This is a sick fucking world.
Baskin: Cops entering a haunted house filled with ‘twisted horrors’. So this is ‘Resident Evil’ with five cops and no Jillian. Real original guys.
Rescue Dogs: Holy shit, MORE CINEMATIC ARTE!!!!!
We are living in a time when artists have perfected the technique of making dogs do things people would & we are sharing it to foreign markets. Ladies & Gentlemen, movies like ‘Rescue Dogs’ & all these family films you’ll find at a Redbox or Netflix will solve world hunger, eradicate global warming & end all wars & mistreatment of the living. Send a copy to ISIS and they will drop their guns & end their life of extremist violence.
These are fine times we’re living in with the internet, digital copies of movies, AREOPLANES.
Duck Tales…….woo hoo hoo.
Amityville: The Awakening: All the Amityville movies suck. I hate all the Amityville movies, well except for the first one (Mostly because of Margot Kidder. Superman’s girlfriend got floppy boobs!) but it’s all the same shit. Stupid middle class family moves into the house, they still live in the house after tons of spooky shit happens & then leave when it is all too late & most of their family is dead. Get out of the house you stupid people!! If not, provoke the ghosts, ghosts are assholes as depicted in factual shows like ‘Ghost Whisperer’.
God’s Not Dead 2: This time, Spooky Jesus is going to kick some @$$.
Starring Melissa Joan Hart? WHY?!!! Do you need the money sweetheart? I’ll lend you the money for the rent or whatever, just don’t star in this pretty horrid representation of Christianity. She was ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ for fucks sakes!!! But, I admit the show went downhill when she stopped being a teenager & motherhood wrecked that body. Some look good after it, others don’t. Sad to say.
I’m agnostic & I have to say, Jesus wouldn’t do this.
Miles Ahead: The Story centers around the life of ‘Miles Davis’. Well that was short & straight to the point. Good.
Before I Wake: A supernatural thriller….FUCK!!! I’m tired of this huge abundance of supernatural thrillers. Can’t we get something new for a chance? Last year introduced us to ‘Krampus’ which was a PG-13 horror film with the star being Krampus who isn’t a fucking ghost. We need more diversity in horror, we need monsters, human killers, politicians, anything besides a pussy ghost!!
Hardcore Henry: Apparently this is shot in a POV angle. So this can either be a well done, coherent action flick or shaky camera purgatory. I believe I saw the trailer for this on Facebook & I’m a little intrigued, but my expectations are sort of thin.
A War: War is sad, that’s the plot.
Demolition: I was pretty excited when I read the title. I actually thought Hollywood made a sequel to ‘Demolition Man’, but sadly it isn’t.
So Jake Gyllenhall is sad because he lost his wife In a car crash. Is this meant to be funny?
It’s So Easy & Other Lies: So it’s a documentary about Duff McKagan & his experience with ‘Guns & Roses, Velvet Revolver and a bunch of other rock bands.
You know, rock & metal bands from the 80’s have a bunch of fun & messed up stories. Shit was wild in those times. So much coke, so much ant snorting.
The Jungle Book: …… I’ll watch if ‘Tim Burton’ isn’t in charge of the making & doesn’t have that fucking heresy that I saw in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ back in 09. I’ll get to that later.
Barbershop: The Next Cut: We asked for it & we’re receiving. Hey, at least it isn’t another ‘Are We There Yet?’ film. Ice Cube, from throwing a Nerf football with C-4 explosives at a Kuwait chopper to taking care of annoying as fuck kids to cutting hair. I’d kill to get my hair cut at the barber shop from Barbershop.
Everybody Wants Some: Apparently this is a spiritual sequel to ‘Dazed & Confused’.
Alright alright alright, I’m getting older & teenage girls stay the same. I butchered that line, didn’t I?
Elvis & Nixon: One died in the shitter & the other one says he wasn’t a crook, but we all knew he was a shady motherfucker.
Green Room: Punk Rockers at a gig witness a murder & the owner pf the club wants to kill them all. I hope this is Hardcore punk like Bad Brains, Black Flag, The Violators & not that studio bullshit that is so-called ‘Punk’ from ‘Scott Pilgrim’.
That’s right, ‘Scott Pilgrim’ (The movie. Unsure of the comic) sucks, now let the angry comments flow into my mailbox.
blacktime.epress@aol.com
The Huntsman: Winter’s War: Oh, it’s that movie that tried to make Snow White all Game of Thrones & shit.
YAWN!!!
If you want to interest me, have Snow White be played by someone who emotes emotion.
Born in China: A Movie about Chinese animals.
This looks like another Disney film where pesky humans intrude on an animal’s privacy for two hours. I’m all for privacy, both for humans & animals.
A Hologram For a King: Tom Hanks plays a sympathetic character, again. Does not feature a hologram king. Sad.
Compadres: A Mexican cop is paired with a hacker to find the people who killed his wife.
I bet you it isn’t going to star a really Mexican person as the cop.
Keanu: It’s about a gang war that is started because of a cat with a du-rag & a chain. Yeah….cultural representation. (Waves arms around without motivation.)
Rachet & Clank: You know guys, this might be the most accurate looking video game movie to date. I’ve sat by & watched friends play this game & while I’m not a huge fan, I will be looking forward to seeing this movie.
Mother’s Day: An ensemble comedy about moms, that’s what the synopsis says.
No screenshots, no trailer, just the synopsis. Oh I can already tell this movie is gonna suck. Remember that movie ‘Valentines Day’ and ‘New Years Day’ where the whole film is vignettes, horribly written and acted vignettes? This is what it sounds like, but for moms.
Moms have done so much for us, this isn’t the proper way to pay them back for all they’ve endured.
Meet The Blacks: Oh dear god. Read this: “When the ‘Black’ family inherits one million dollars, they leave Detroit and all their debts and problems behind for a better life in Beverly Hills. But what they don't know is that it's the annual purge night in Beverly Hills, where all crime is legal for twelve hours.“
Razzie nomination, anyone? This sounds & looks like one of those shitty sequels that aired when ‘My Network TV’ debuted in 2005.
It stars Mike Epps, the last resort person to hire when you can’t afford ‘Kevin Hart’ or ‘Chris Rock’ & want to make a comedy.
Captain America: Civil War: At this point, I don’t even know if I want to see it. At this point I think most people are burnt out on the Marvel films, it’s one every year. More props to you if you’ve had the hype since 2007.
Elstree 1976: It’s a documentary, I think, about the people who were minor character in Star Wars, I think, when the movie was being shot in a street in Britain, I think. I don’t know what the fuck this is all about, but I want to know. I need a trailer, something. I am highly intrigued!!!!
The Darkness: It’s been announced so no plot synopsis is up, nor are there behind the scenes photos. Could this be a film adaptation of the Top Cow/ Image comic of the same name?
If you don’t know the origin, The Darkness is this mobster who is reincarnated into this monster who can control the darkness & uses these powers to continue doing mob stuff & it’s really bloody & violent. There have been several video game adaptations for X-box 360 that weren’t that bad either.
Snowden: You know, I’m a little interested in this Oliver Stone flick, but after the stupidity that was ‘Savages’, I don’t know man. I really don’t know.
Kidnap: You pretty much saw the whole movie just by reading this title.
Money Monster: Nom nom nom.
High Rise: This movie looks fucking epic & amazing!! Tom Hiddleston in a weird, Kubrick/80‘s Ridley Scott-esque movie about a man living in a high rise building with everything for everyone to survive. The trailer doesn’t really tell me of the overall story, but it looks like a strange trip into a rich 1970’s fever dream of a rich man. This looks fucking awesome, weird movies are my thing if you haven’t already known. This movie, this is one I’ll be checking out on DVD.
Last Days in the Desert: Ewan Mc.Gregor is Jesus. He was Obi-Wan Kenobi, now he is Jesus Christ. Nuff said. Weird to see that ‘Passion of the Christ-sploitation’ is still around.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: Dear god, was the first film that big of a success? Oh yeah, a movie where Seth Rogen is trying to raise a family until asshole Zac Efron comes to town with their loud, rapist bro-culture slaves causing a huge ruckus for him and his family who are just trying to live their lives with family! Well excuse me for being an adult you no dick piece of human waste!!!
This didn’t need a sequel. Zac Efron is the reason why most of us won’t have a bf or gf
Angry Birds: How in hell are they going to stretch a cheap ass I-phone game to a 2hour movie? Someone please tell me?
Weiner: An Anthony Weiner Joint. Really, his is smaller than a joint.
Maggie’s Plan: Spoiler alert: SHE SHOT MR.BURNS!!!!
X-Men: Apocalypse: I’m not as eager to see the X-Men movies as I used to be back in the 2000’s when the first flick came out. I’ll still watch it, but ehh, nothing in these films are really motivating me. I’ve yet to see ‘First Class’ and ‘Days of Future Past’, as well as read their comic book counterparts. Recently I’ve been diggin’ Chris Clearmont’s run & ‘New Mutants’.
And the last one for the day….
Alice Through The Looking Glass: Well it’s not directed by Tim Burton, but let me tell you my brothers & sisters, let me tell you! That first movie from made me fucking shit a fucking brick!
I went with my older sister & her mid-2000’s goth friend wannabe to see this movie & I was intrigued. From the first two hours I thought it was a solid fantasy film. Then Johnny Depp does his fucking Twerking, Michael Jackson dance, shuffle truffle FUCKERY!!! Mind you this was around the same year MJ died. Everyone was laughing, the sister was laughing, the high middle class family behind me was lauging at how cute that dance was & I was there with my intelligence raped; I wanted to scream.
That was not funny, that was thee most horrible attempt at ‘connecting with the hip young kids’ (with their popular ‘hippity hop’ music) the Disney corporation had done. It was a greater fucking monstrosity than ’Radio Disney’. I was ready to bite the next middle class’s family’s faces off, it was that bad!!!!! It makes the fact of the shaky cam from ‘The Hunger Games’ look like the perfection of ‘Fury Road’ compared to that atrocity that I saw at the end of ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
And that is the last time I’ll mention ‘Fury Road’ on this blog…….for now.
Well my friends, looks like we have made it to the end of another installment, but we’re not finished yet. We’re barely on June, so watchout for Part.3 which will be titled ‘2016 Movies: Electric Boogaloo’.
Until then, have a great week all of you & vote with your money.
Also, don’t support the TPP or any law that will destroy ‘Blacktime E-Press’ or any of your favorite websites.
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Snowtime: Remember that shitty 2000’s Nickelodeon movie ‘Snow Day’? Imagine that film with a well though of story & not some ‘Kidz Rule, Adults Drool’ message behind it. This is what this movie basically is.
So a bunch of kids decide to make the best of their winter break, but what turns into a fun snowball fight turns into a serious conflict in which the kids learn about Friendship & unity. I keep thinking this is going to be ‘Apocalypse Now’ with kids and snowball fights. To top it all off it is animated, so there you go. In recent times animated kids films have risen off the ghetto of the 2000’s & have become intelligent & fun now. So I have high hopes for this. Lucky 2010’s kids, I had to suffer through ‘Aladdin 2: Jagar Needs Glasses’.
Forsaken: You mean they adapted the late 90’s video game with the hovercrafts & lasers?
No. It’s a western with Keifer Sutherland, booo. Well I’m not as big into the westerns as I should be. I’ll watch an episode of ‘The Rifleman’ here and there, but I’m not an uber fan of it. We’ll see.
City of Women: A Fellini film, in 2016?! I didn’t know he was still alive. Well, my artistic snobbish side will say this is high arte & a contender for the Oscars. If you don’t agree, then you sir are an uncultured swine!
In all honesty, I had no idea Fellini was still alive & the only Fellini flick I’ve seen was one about Clowns that was both Semi-autobiographical, half documentary & probably half fiction. It was alright, but only saw parts of it, I still need to see the rest of it. Fellini, will this one include a skeleton smoking a pipe next to red roses? Movies in black and white make pretentious film critics ejaculate, remember that folks.
Rolling Papers: May I say that this is the Antithesis to ‘Reefer Madness’?
Crazy About Tiffany’s: I am intrigued, why are people so obsessed with buying jewelry at Tiffany’s & why don’t they sell breakfast? Ladies (You too Metrosexual men), why is Tiffany’s the top place to buy Jewelry? Kay Jewelers ain’t good enough for you or the local pawn shop? I admit, the commercials for Kay Jewelers are so fucking annoying, I actually committed suicide after some girl talked about how one of their commercials was their inspiration to create a song with her acoustic guitar.
Yes, I am a ghost. Ooohhh boogity boogity.
Busco Un Novio Para Mi Mujer (Translation: Looking for a Boyfriend For My Woman): Here we go again, an unfunny Mexican movie, but at least it isn’t some Narco, cowboy hat wearing, mustache rapist melodrama.
So the title pretty much explains the story, some guy decides to find a boyfriend because he no longer wants to deal with his bitch wife. Motherfucker, just get a divorce. Like walk away & abandon her. LOL >,<
The commercials are fucking abysmal, this looks like the type of movie you take your girlfriend to see so you guys can intentionally fight on the drive home. Either because the other thought it was funny or because they both hated it.
Gods of Egypt: A fantasy action movie about a white washed Egypt, where have I seen this? Where have any of us seen this? Hmmm, this is a mystery. There’s a show on one of the Spanish speaking channels here in LA called ‘Jose From Egypt’ and even I gotta say that’s not white washed, but brown washed & it doesn’t make sense. It’s like making a movie about geishas starring non Japanese actors. Oh wait that has happened before.
Also, this is an Alex Proyas film, it’s gonna suck. He struck luck with ‘The Crow’ & ‘Dark City’, then he started sucking with films like ‘I-Robot’. Anyone remember ‘Knowing’? He made that & it was generic, but the ending was pretty dark. EVERYONE DIES because Nicolas Cage doesn’t know math. He’s relatable, I don’t know math either.
Triple 9: MARK OF THE BEAST!!!!! In all seriousness, this is a heist movie & I’m not as big into heist movies. ‘Jackie Brown’ is kinda sorta a heist movie, but that one was different enough & executed uniquely. All I see are screenshots & a synopsis, so if the trailers engage me, I’ll give it a chance.
Recently there have been many heist films, did that ‘Tower Heist’ movie with Eddie Murphy and Ben Stiller really set off a boost in heist films. There are titles on this list I didn’t mention because I have no comments for it, but most of them are heist films. What is up with that, America?
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon: The Sword of Destiny: This is a sequel & it’s one of Netflix’s many ‘original’ films.
‘Sigh’, as much as I despise Netflix, they are taking advantage of their Exclusivity sales motto & I have to commend them for that. Unlike Television where shows like ‘Law & Order’ are on the air in more than 3 different channels, Netflix and Hulu and all those services are being exclusive, making people pick and choose. TV is pretty much dead & streaming is the future, sad to say. I admit, most of the time I’m not watching TV (Except for the occasional Supergirl every Monday night & any cinemax film that is on at the moment.), but most of the time I’m watching episodes of Cinema Snob & AVGN on YouTube.
And now about the movie, I’ll have to see if I can see it one way or the other. I don’t plan to have a Netflix account anytime soon. I’m a broke bastard.
The Last Man on the Moon: It’s ‘The Martian’ but semi-autobiographical so it might not be as well received just because it sounds slow & not fun like ‘The Martian’.
That’s the thought of the average theater attending audience.
Against The Wild 2: Survive The Serengeti: Remember in the 90’s when you had this small Hollywood trend of Kids’ survival films, especially in literature? Dear god, almost everyone in grade school told me to read ’Hatchet’. Maybe I don’t want to read that book, ever thought of that Mr.you should read this! This is it, this is Hollywood trying to bring that back again. No one cares & neither do I. To hell with the bears!!!
The 90’s kids trends are coming back, last year we had the movie ‘Max’ which is reminiscent to those dog movies where the animals are somehow connected & end up thwarting some human crime plans. While we’re at it, bring back those 90’s kids movies that were intended for kids, but there’s some heavy as hell adult stuff in it. I’m talking along stuff the ranks of ‘Cool World’ and ‘Batman: Mask of the Phantasm’.
Standoff: Thomas Jane, as a former Verteran, protects his daughter from assholes who she saw murder someone. This already has the makings for a Punisher reboot, especially since Thomas Jane is a big fan of the comics series. Check out ‘Dirty Laundry’, that was a badass Punisher short film.
Queen of the Desert: Oh here we go again, a movie trying to be like an already shitty film that won an Oscar at the time. Just call it ‘Out of Africa 2: Going Back to Africa’.
Oh & by the way, a few years ago I think I ranted about modern movies & mentioned Out of Africa as this pinnacle of cinema. I was being sincere, I was acting like the pretentious cinema snob. That movie sucks, nice cinematography but it’s an oscar baity, boring 3 hour movie that deserves to disappear & it has. Merryl Streep, give it a rest, you know you’re going to win the Oscar, if not you then Helen Mirren will. Gracefully aging actresses for the win!
Psycho Pass: The Movie: Everyone’s telling me to watch the anime, it’s cyberpunky. Egh, too weebish for me.
I miss the old style of anime, this new current style & aesthetic looks too lazy & weeaboo inspired. I miss the days when…….you know, I don’t know what I want with my anime anymore.
London Has Fallen: Oh, a sequel to ‘Olympus Has Fallen’, because apparently that had a following. I remember when people were complaining about Olympus Has Fallen, but praising ‘White House Down’ with Channing (Can’t fucking act his way out of an ISIS interrogation room) Tatum & Jaime (Saved a guy from a burning car) Foxx. I have seen none, but I’m glad most of the terrorist explosions & chaos isn’t happening in California or New York. Maybe if this flick does good in the box office, maybe we can get a movie where terrorists destroy Kansas, call it ‘Cornfields Down’. North Korea (Which already shows the kind of tone we’re going for this film.) versus Kansas farmers & teen Juggalos. Make it happen.
Zootopia: A movie surprisingly movie cynic ‘Josh Hadley’ wants to see & that kinda freaked me out. For someone who doesn‘t typically gear towards current kids films, I thought he would say some critical words about this particular flick which I‘m always intrigued to listen to. I believe Alternate universe Josh Hadley has taken the place of our universe’s Josh Hadley. But then again, the movie looks kinda funny.
It’s for the kids, not my thing but I’ll end up seeing it sometime.
Whiskey Tango Foxtrot: Tina Fay trying to do drama, I’m scared.
Put Megan Mullaly, Molly Shannon & Tina Fey into a dome shaped gladiatorial arena, the fight for supreme glasses wearing woman victor is on. Call it ‘Unfunny Glasses Wearing Fight: Beyond Thunderdome’.
Desierto: I‘m going to sound like an Americanized kid who doesn‘t get the struggle. Believe me, I get the struggle, it‘s around me. I can‘t go a day without hearing about Ice agents taking some neighbors‘ dad or mom. It‘s sad, but must we have another movie about illegal immigrants struggling in some way or other? It‘s a message movie, you pretty much know what the outcome of the audience‘s reaction.
I was listening to a recent episode of ‘Geek Juice Radio’ where they discussed Message movies, Mister X & Alex Jowski were on the ball when they said the message movie genre is pretty much a ‘Pat yourself in the back for not being that horrible’ kind of film. The only people that are going to see this film are people that already understand the subject matter. No one against the message is going to watch the film, it’s not like they’re going to see the film without knowing that they’ll leave with a different state of mind. You can bet you will never see Neo Nazis going into ‘Red Tails’ and thinking “Man, those black guys in jets were awesome. I’m going to stop hating other races because that movie opened my eyes.” If it did, then the world would be a much muuuch muuuuuuch better place. You’ll learn something new, but most of the time it’s the same message you probably knew before seeing the movie. Take for example ‘Crash’, I already know racism is bad, but the whole movie is nothing but a 2 hour reel of how racism is bad.
When it comes to this film, I’m just sick that already trite genre in Mexican film of the Illegal Immigrant protagonist who starts life anew in Mexico or fails because the system is shit which leaves you more depressed than when you read the synopsis.
The best & probably the first one to get wide distribution was ‘El Norte’, a film about a Guatemalan brother & sister who escape their militant ruled town & travel to the US. It seemed like after that film struck gold, all these big or small directors & small home video studios started doing the same shit. I won’t doubt that someone was actually put their own personal true accounts of crossing the border into film, but most of the ones I’m seeing are melodramatic pieces of shit that are more parodies than serious.
I may have said this before, but it seems like it’s always these kinds of film that always get the major national distribution. People bitching that Hollywood isn’t representing us, but they’re the same crowd that flock to all that melodramatic stuff that isn’t well written or well done. I grew up loving science fiction & reading about technology that we might soon get (already have) so of course my friends always asked the question “Why aren’t there any latinos in science fiction movies?” or “Why don’t Mexicans make science fiction movies?” Truth is, there are Mexican science fiction movies (Aside from the Santo films where he fights space aliens), it’s just major distributors & the mainstream don’t give them any attention, there eyes are always in the Oscar bait that are the immigrant stories because that’s happening now.
Sorry guys, it’s just this is getting too crazy with all the talks about race & representation, yet the people up top aren‘t doing anything, they‘re just bringing home the same shit that everyone complains about. I’m sick of the genre, it‘s too real, we need something that will show everyone that we‘re more than just the culture behind Illegal Immigration & Cartels. I understand that this type of subject matter is still relevant, but come on, take a fucking break, make a horror film, an action film, a film that will make not just Mexican audiences, but audiences of all shapes, colors & sizes have fun viewing. Mexico needs a renaissance of film, everyone here in the US needs to form their own renaissance. Sure, we’ll have a lot of crap to sort through before finding that gem, but that gem will be worth it.
I got nothing for this film, I just wanted to talk about the crap that’s been on my mind about Mexican film.
The Boy And The Beast: An anime movie I am interested in watching, but of course ‘Limited Release’. I don’t get Hollywood’s disinterest in foreign films. If you aren’t comfortable watching a weird German film, then don’t watch it you plebeian!!! AMC theaters here in California sometimes dabbles into screening foreign films, but most of the time it’s either some romance flick or some war film. Why not anime bro?
The Wave: It’s about a wave who is an asshole, soaking everything & shit. Floods & waves are assholes, so is the moon who controls the waves and floods.
Me Him Her: A bunch of whiny teens struggle with who they want to ‘bump uglies’ with. This generation of pretty youths sucks, not dicks because they are unsure of that.
The Divergent Series: Allegiant: I’m not a teen, not read any books of this particular series. Is there a fan base for this? Comparing these Divergent books with ‘Hunger Games, Harry Pooter & Twilight’, does Divergent have any kind of following, either cult or mainstream? It’s odd, I’m not seeing people talk about this or wait in lines outside the book shop to get a copy from this franchise. Hmm. Seriously, Hollywood? Why does this have a sequel? Please email me Hollywood at: blacktime.epress@aol.com
Pee Wee’s Big Holiday: It’s two hours of our favorite zany character ‘Pee Wee Herman’ going out of town for a week & visiting a porno theater. Spoiler Alert: A guy sitting in front of Pee Wee gets soaked. Hoo hoo!!!! FUN FOR THE FAMILY, INCLUDING YOUR UNCLE (Who likes kids to call him ‘Uncle Bad Touch’)
Alright, that was too low of a blow for a joke. I’m sorry………….chesterthemolester. >.<
The Comfirmation: Remember that one movie where a Mexican man & his son go all throughout California to look for their landscaping truck & begin to establish a connection? This is that movie, but with white people & instead of a truck, they’re looking for a toolbox.
Wait another minuit!!! Saban Films?! The same people responsible for ‘Godfrey Ho-ing’ Super Sentai to turn into ‘Power Rangers’ produced this flick. WHAAAAAAAAAA THE FUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!! So instead of bringing back Saturday Morining cartoons, they’re in the movie business. Oh what rotten luck!
The Bronze: Oh here we got again, a loud mouthed woman cursing. Hurr hurr hurr. This is the housewives’ guide to being EDGY as fudge. Ohhh, better watch out, that mom is gonna be ‘Baaaaaaad to the bone!’ HUR HUR HUR HURRRRRR REAL HOUSEWIVES ARE SMARTER THAN THIS!!!!
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice: More like ‘Superman V Batman: Gay For Justice’. They fight so hard because they don’t want to expose their love for each other publicly, but at home they love hard.
This is pretty much Zack Snyder saying “I just read ‘The Dark Knight Returns’. I don’t know what ‘Social commentary’ is, but I like the part when Batman punch Superman. Mee gonna doo dis.”
If you want a thinking man’s version of this story, read The Dark Knight Returns. It was written when Frank Miller was all about the music, now he just sucks. But then again, I haven’t read his recent ‘DK III: The Master Race’.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2: I’ve sat through the first movie & I sat through half of ‘Life in Ruins‘, I admit it! I have two sisters, that is my explanation & all other accusations and insinuations are null & void!
My question, did this really need a sequel & who the fuck is gonna get married next? The first film is about the woman’s family & their reaction when she started dating an American man. Ohohhoh, the American dude‘s family is the very definition of white bread! I assume the daughter of the couple from the previous film is going to get married. I don’t blame whoever‘s marrying the girl, she looks FIIIIIINNNNEEEEEEEE!!!! But then again I’ve had an interest in pale girls who wear black. I love the pale wommens.
The Disappointments Room: I’m in it, that’s the disappointment for you.
Well, it’s about a couple that moves into a Louisiana mansion (Rich people, being handed everything & shit) where they start finding out about the home’s past disturbing owners in a room they stumble upon.
It’s directed by the same person who did ‘Eagle Eye’ & ‘Suburbia’, one was a mediocre thriller with a crappy ending & the other was a cheap remake of ‘Rear Window’ with a different title. At least they had the decency to not call it ‘Rear Window 2: Windex Rising’.
Get a Job: This list is getting meta on me, I don’t like it. So this is a comedy about grad students trying to get a job.
That’s not funny, this pretty much seems like a rich man’s comedy. “Hahahaha!! Look, the woman’s got a degree in nursery & she’s working at Pete Zahut! Hahahahah!!!!”
This is a sick fucking world.
Baskin: Cops entering a haunted house filled with ‘twisted horrors’. So this is ‘Resident Evil’ with five cops and no Jillian. Real original guys.
Rescue Dogs: Holy shit, MORE CINEMATIC ARTE!!!!!
We are living in a time when artists have perfected the technique of making dogs do things people would & we are sharing it to foreign markets. Ladies & Gentlemen, movies like ‘Rescue Dogs’ & all these family films you’ll find at a Redbox or Netflix will solve world hunger, eradicate global warming & end all wars & mistreatment of the living. Send a copy to ISIS and they will drop their guns & end their life of extremist violence.
These are fine times we’re living in with the internet, digital copies of movies, AREOPLANES.
Duck Tales…….woo hoo hoo.
Amityville: The Awakening: All the Amityville movies suck. I hate all the Amityville movies, well except for the first one (Mostly because of Margot Kidder. Superman’s girlfriend got floppy boobs!) but it’s all the same shit. Stupid middle class family moves into the house, they still live in the house after tons of spooky shit happens & then leave when it is all too late & most of their family is dead. Get out of the house you stupid people!! If not, provoke the ghosts, ghosts are assholes as depicted in factual shows like ‘Ghost Whisperer’.
God’s Not Dead 2: This time, Spooky Jesus is going to kick some @$$.
Starring Melissa Joan Hart? WHY?!!! Do you need the money sweetheart? I’ll lend you the money for the rent or whatever, just don’t star in this pretty horrid representation of Christianity. She was ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’ for fucks sakes!!! But, I admit the show went downhill when she stopped being a teenager & motherhood wrecked that body. Some look good after it, others don’t. Sad to say.
I’m agnostic & I have to say, Jesus wouldn’t do this.
Miles Ahead: The Story centers around the life of ‘Miles Davis’. Well that was short & straight to the point. Good.
Before I Wake: A supernatural thriller….FUCK!!! I’m tired of this huge abundance of supernatural thrillers. Can’t we get something new for a chance? Last year introduced us to ‘Krampus’ which was a PG-13 horror film with the star being Krampus who isn’t a fucking ghost. We need more diversity in horror, we need monsters, human killers, politicians, anything besides a pussy ghost!!
Hardcore Henry: Apparently this is shot in a POV angle. So this can either be a well done, coherent action flick or shaky camera purgatory. I believe I saw the trailer for this on Facebook & I’m a little intrigued, but my expectations are sort of thin.
A War: War is sad, that’s the plot.
Demolition: I was pretty excited when I read the title. I actually thought Hollywood made a sequel to ‘Demolition Man’, but sadly it isn’t.
So Jake Gyllenhall is sad because he lost his wife In a car crash. Is this meant to be funny?
It’s So Easy & Other Lies: So it’s a documentary about Duff McKagan & his experience with ‘Guns & Roses, Velvet Revolver and a bunch of other rock bands.
You know, rock & metal bands from the 80’s have a bunch of fun & messed up stories. Shit was wild in those times. So much coke, so much ant snorting.
The Jungle Book: …… I’ll watch if ‘Tim Burton’ isn’t in charge of the making & doesn’t have that fucking heresy that I saw in ‘Alice in Wonderland’ back in 09. I’ll get to that later.
Barbershop: The Next Cut: We asked for it & we’re receiving. Hey, at least it isn’t another ‘Are We There Yet?’ film. Ice Cube, from throwing a Nerf football with C-4 explosives at a Kuwait chopper to taking care of annoying as fuck kids to cutting hair. I’d kill to get my hair cut at the barber shop from Barbershop.
Everybody Wants Some: Apparently this is a spiritual sequel to ‘Dazed & Confused’.
Alright alright alright, I’m getting older & teenage girls stay the same. I butchered that line, didn’t I?
Elvis & Nixon: One died in the shitter & the other one says he wasn’t a crook, but we all knew he was a shady motherfucker.
Green Room: Punk Rockers at a gig witness a murder & the owner pf the club wants to kill them all. I hope this is Hardcore punk like Bad Brains, Black Flag, The Violators & not that studio bullshit that is so-called ‘Punk’ from ‘Scott Pilgrim’.
That’s right, ‘Scott Pilgrim’ (The movie. Unsure of the comic) sucks, now let the angry comments flow into my mailbox.
blacktime.epress@aol.com
The Huntsman: Winter’s War: Oh, it’s that movie that tried to make Snow White all Game of Thrones & shit.
YAWN!!!
If you want to interest me, have Snow White be played by someone who emotes emotion.
Born in China: A Movie about Chinese animals.
This looks like another Disney film where pesky humans intrude on an animal’s privacy for two hours. I’m all for privacy, both for humans & animals.
A Hologram For a King: Tom Hanks plays a sympathetic character, again. Does not feature a hologram king. Sad.
Compadres: A Mexican cop is paired with a hacker to find the people who killed his wife.
I bet you it isn’t going to star a really Mexican person as the cop.
Keanu: It’s about a gang war that is started because of a cat with a du-rag & a chain. Yeah….cultural representation. (Waves arms around without motivation.)
Rachet & Clank: You know guys, this might be the most accurate looking video game movie to date. I’ve sat by & watched friends play this game & while I’m not a huge fan, I will be looking forward to seeing this movie.
Mother’s Day: An ensemble comedy about moms, that’s what the synopsis says.
No screenshots, no trailer, just the synopsis. Oh I can already tell this movie is gonna suck. Remember that movie ‘Valentines Day’ and ‘New Years Day’ where the whole film is vignettes, horribly written and acted vignettes? This is what it sounds like, but for moms.
Moms have done so much for us, this isn’t the proper way to pay them back for all they’ve endured.
Meet The Blacks: Oh dear god. Read this: “When the ‘Black’ family inherits one million dollars, they leave Detroit and all their debts and problems behind for a better life in Beverly Hills. But what they don't know is that it's the annual purge night in Beverly Hills, where all crime is legal for twelve hours.“
Razzie nomination, anyone? This sounds & looks like one of those shitty sequels that aired when ‘My Network TV’ debuted in 2005.
It stars Mike Epps, the last resort person to hire when you can’t afford ‘Kevin Hart’ or ‘Chris Rock’ & want to make a comedy.
Captain America: Civil War: At this point, I don’t even know if I want to see it. At this point I think most people are burnt out on the Marvel films, it’s one every year. More props to you if you’ve had the hype since 2007.
Elstree 1976: It’s a documentary, I think, about the people who were minor character in Star Wars, I think, when the movie was being shot in a street in Britain, I think. I don’t know what the fuck this is all about, but I want to know. I need a trailer, something. I am highly intrigued!!!!
The Darkness: It’s been announced so no plot synopsis is up, nor are there behind the scenes photos. Could this be a film adaptation of the Top Cow/ Image comic of the same name?
If you don’t know the origin, The Darkness is this mobster who is reincarnated into this monster who can control the darkness & uses these powers to continue doing mob stuff & it’s really bloody & violent. There have been several video game adaptations for X-box 360 that weren’t that bad either.
Snowden: You know, I’m a little interested in this Oliver Stone flick, but after the stupidity that was ‘Savages’, I don’t know man. I really don’t know.
Kidnap: You pretty much saw the whole movie just by reading this title.
Money Monster: Nom nom nom.
High Rise: This movie looks fucking epic & amazing!! Tom Hiddleston in a weird, Kubrick/80‘s Ridley Scott-esque movie about a man living in a high rise building with everything for everyone to survive. The trailer doesn’t really tell me of the overall story, but it looks like a strange trip into a rich 1970’s fever dream of a rich man. This looks fucking awesome, weird movies are my thing if you haven’t already known. This movie, this is one I’ll be checking out on DVD.
Last Days in the Desert: Ewan Mc.Gregor is Jesus. He was Obi-Wan Kenobi, now he is Jesus Christ. Nuff said. Weird to see that ‘Passion of the Christ-sploitation’ is still around.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising: Dear god, was the first film that big of a success? Oh yeah, a movie where Seth Rogen is trying to raise a family until asshole Zac Efron comes to town with their loud, rapist bro-culture slaves causing a huge ruckus for him and his family who are just trying to live their lives with family! Well excuse me for being an adult you no dick piece of human waste!!!
This didn’t need a sequel. Zac Efron is the reason why most of us won’t have a bf or gf
Angry Birds: How in hell are they going to stretch a cheap ass I-phone game to a 2hour movie? Someone please tell me?
Weiner: An Anthony Weiner Joint. Really, his is smaller than a joint.
Maggie’s Plan: Spoiler alert: SHE SHOT MR.BURNS!!!!
X-Men: Apocalypse: I’m not as eager to see the X-Men movies as I used to be back in the 2000’s when the first flick came out. I’ll still watch it, but ehh, nothing in these films are really motivating me. I’ve yet to see ‘First Class’ and ‘Days of Future Past’, as well as read their comic book counterparts. Recently I’ve been diggin’ Chris Clearmont’s run & ‘New Mutants’.
And the last one for the day….
Alice Through The Looking Glass: Well it’s not directed by Tim Burton, but let me tell you my brothers & sisters, let me tell you! That first movie from made me fucking shit a fucking brick!
I went with my older sister & her mid-2000’s goth friend wannabe to see this movie & I was intrigued. From the first two hours I thought it was a solid fantasy film. Then Johnny Depp does his fucking Twerking, Michael Jackson dance, shuffle truffle FUCKERY!!! Mind you this was around the same year MJ died. Everyone was laughing, the sister was laughing, the high middle class family behind me was lauging at how cute that dance was & I was there with my intelligence raped; I wanted to scream.
That was not funny, that was thee most horrible attempt at ‘connecting with the hip young kids’ (with their popular ‘hippity hop’ music) the Disney corporation had done. It was a greater fucking monstrosity than ’Radio Disney’. I was ready to bite the next middle class’s family’s faces off, it was that bad!!!!! It makes the fact of the shaky cam from ‘The Hunger Games’ look like the perfection of ‘Fury Road’ compared to that atrocity that I saw at the end of ‘Alice in Wonderland’!
And that is the last time I’ll mention ‘Fury Road’ on this blog…….for now.
Well my friends, looks like we have made it to the end of another installment, but we’re not finished yet. We’re barely on June, so watchout for Part.3 which will be titled ‘2016 Movies: Electric Boogaloo’.
Until then, have a great week all of you & vote with your money.
Also, don’t support the TPP or any law that will destroy ‘Blacktime E-Press’ or any of your favorite websites.
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