Dear god, there better not be a part four.
But before I go on, there are two big movies I missed that I should have mentioned on the last installment because ‘movieinsider.com’ is slow on grabbing the news on new releases.
10 Cloverfield Lane: Looks like J.J Abrams managed to keep the production of this movie on the down low, which I commend. These past two years it was all “What’s the Star Wars people gonna look like? Will Darth Vader come back? What kind of Coffee is Carrie Fisher drinking on set?” I was sickened by it. Let the man work in secret, Jeezus H.R Puff ‘n’ Stuff man!
It looks like he’s going to take a horror Anthology approach to the sequel of what was a found footage, Kaiju film. This better not be like ‘Halloween III: Season of the Witch’ where people get all uppity that it’s not like the first film and that later warrants the studio to enforce the same clichéd crap the first film set up. I hope this movie is a success so that we can get Cloverfield films dealing in different aspects of the first film rather than rehash the same shaky cam Kaiju jizzm year after year until people stop seeing those films.
The Bothers Grimbsy: I heavily enjoyed ‘Borat’ when it was released. It was offensive as all hell, but it was also creative as this Shot on documentary look to it & played as this propoganda film for traveling to America. Then came ‘Bruno’ which I didn’t really enjoy as much, it was all gross out without the humor. Now here comes Sacha Baron Cohen in another R-rated comedy. It’s not trying to be Bruno or Borat, which sounds promising. It looks visually hilarious; tossing a prosthetic dog off the building, how twisted. I’ll wait, not really as motivated to see it, but it will be something I might enjoy when ‘Cinemax’ decides to air it.
And on with the list!
2016 Movies: Electric Boogaloo
Me Before You: To all my competent storytelling brothers & sisters, the main character‘s name will piss you off. “Louisa ‘Lou’ Clarke lives in a quaint town in the English countryside.”
I’m ignoring the fact that this is a romance film & it’s not a film made for me. Louisa Clarke! I admit I have to think extra hard for character names that don‘t sound like other peoples’ names when starting a new story. But really, Louisa Clarke? While you’re at it go call the next character ‘Lay Zee Boii’ or ‘Day Vee Crockett.’
Louisa Clarke, shit on a biscuit, LOUISIA CLARKE! Try harder next time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows: Since the Ninja Turtles have gotten hip with the kids again, when the hell are we going to get a reboot of Turtles Tunes? God damn it, I want my ninja turtles singing songs in the fashion of ‘Kidz Bop’ with rock guitars & live action stage shows. I’m not joking. I just want a reason to shout out “NO TURTLES TUNES!!! NO TURTLES TUNES!!!!”
All the Cinemassacre fans will get that.
Corner4Real: Synopsis here ‘Set in the world of music’.
I would’ve never known, the title sounds like it’s about hookers that speak in text message speak.
Real helpful synopsis there & the sad part is it’s already in post production. This might be a total bomb, the title has the stench of a flop & I‘m now thinking of that early 2000‘s movie that was meant to propel Brittany Spears into acting. I hope to all hell this is a glorious train wreck of a movie & not just some movie that just pisses off fans. Are there fans of this Corner4Real thing? I hope not. The title also sounds like a shit production company that is hired to do freestyle dancing & choreography for people looking to be hip in their next high school auditorium performance.
Now You See Me 2: Oohhh, look at me, I’m a smarmy young person who knows CGI magic tricks & is stealing money from the big banks because as the execs in charge of this film think, “Young people hate banks. Oh hey guys, we’re cool, we hate banks too. It’s 2016, we can make fun of Obama & not sound like a racist Republican. I‘m a memer, LIKE A BAWSSSS!!!!”
Not a fan of the first film, why would I be a fan of the sequel?
Warcraft: Not a fan. I’ll give it this, it will be the time WoW fans will actually step outside their basement.
Finding Dory: Hahahahah YEAH!!!! It’s Pixar, this is already the best film of the summer. Keep on making cartoons Pixar. You guys are the reason why I smile.
Central Intelligence: Hahahahahah. Get it? Dwane Johnson is so big, but Kevin Hart is sooooooooo tiny.
This is pretty much that movie ‘Ride Along’, but instead of Ice Cube & the plot centering around cops, it stars The Rock & centers around both a wrestler & a midget comedian being government officials with guns & surveillance equipment. Hahahah, Government infringing people‘s privacy is kool! Yeah, the accuracy is on screen.
Remember when Warner Brothers used to be a beacon of quality? Now the only beacon of quality we see nowadays are those bootleg airbrushed shirts that say ‘Warn A Brother’.
Shut In: A mother discovers a horrible secret about her son. He owns ‘Blacktime E-Press’.
That’s right folks, this is a biography of how I started this joint & everyone in my family is ashamed of the fact………..Bahahahahahahah!!!! I’m just joshing all of you. No, the secret is the boy likes those animals that look like anime people. What’s it called? Oh yes, it’s called “JOHN CENA Doop doo too dooooo! Doop doo too voodoo!!!”
Independence Day: Resurgence: Remember in the original movie when the big ass alien spaceship blew up the white house, as well as the helicopter carrying the president’s wife? That was all done with a mix of miniature effects & very little CGI. Imagine the same shit done with tons of CGI that makes the X-Box 360’s graphics look like a masterpiece. ‘Sigh’, but I will give it a chance.
If this movie can outdo the size of the space ship, hopefully it can outdo that scene when Jeff Golblum & Will Smith launch a Windows 95 virus at the aliens spaceship with the ‘HUR HUR HUR’ laughing skull on their alien Windows XP computer screen. I’ve kinda grown a liking to the first movie in both a technical & Saturday afternoon viewing film.
Remember that scene when America destroys the alien spaceship & following that scene the president tells his compatriots to call the other countries to tell them how to destroy the alien ship. Then we cut to somewhere in Africa where stereotypical tribes people are running with spears & cheering as they stand in front of an exploding ship. It is implied that they destroyed the alien ship with spears because you don’t see military aircrafts flying away. I want that ending again!! I want the sequel to star the African tribesman with spears, it would please me.
The Legend of Tarzan: I grew up with the Disney Tarzan which had it’s typical musical numbers & line drawn animation, but at the same time they kept the pulpy adventure intact. The movie kicked ass, as well as the animated series that used to air on UPN every weekday morning!
This movie looks interesting, I’m not going to over hype it, we’ll just wait to see if it keeps any promise that the trailers have shown.
Tarzan looks like Tarzan & not some thin, overly sensitive pale guy like DC comics had turned ‘LOBO’ into.
So we’re on the good start. I’ve not yet seen ‘Greystoke Tarzan’ with French as fuck monkeyman Christopher Lambert; people have told me it sucks, but a French Tarzan sounds funny.
The Purge 3: Slow down people, I’ve yet to see the first two purge films.
So from what I can gather, the first one just took place on a house, the second one took place outside as people survive the purge, this new one looks like it’s going to go into wide scope of the politics of this society. This better not turn into the ‘Saw’ franchise where they try to sound all political & current by commenting on the medicare system, but ends up sucking and that whole satire part only accounted for a minor chunk of that film.
The BFG: Alright, kick fucking ass!!! Disney & Steven Spielberg have joined together to make a movie adaptation based off the gun from the ‘DOOM’ franchise. Hell yeah!!!
Can’t wait to see this tragic & uplifting story of the big fucking gun going on a cross country trip to find her missing bullets (The gun’s children) that the Space Marine has shot in all directions of the ‘Four Corners’ spot in Arizona.
Powerful & beautiful. Le arte du cinema es beautifale. If only Roger Ebert were alive to see this magnificent film. He would give it two thumbs up.
The Secret Life of Pets: A movie I have to say ‘It’s for the kids’, but for some reason people my age are going on about how this movie looks hilarious as fuck. I don’t see it, have I become jaded in kids films?
Ghostbusters: Now I’m not one to bitch about women taking over the role that was originally played by men, I’m making that clear. Why did they choose unfunny women? Noted, not all the choices for casting were bad, but really, Mellisa McCarthy? Of course, we need a funny fat girl to make that statement that humor’s not just for the thin while being the punch line of every fat joke in every film she’s headlined in! Then you got Kristen Wiig, a woman so unfunny she may as well shove her head in a cow’s ass to at least bring a chuckle. Oh look, Thor is a secretary. HUR HUR…..Wait a minuit, that’s actually funny. HAHAHAHAHAH, Strong man not supposed to do desk work. That’s aaaabsurdist humor.
If Bill Murray walked off set during the filming & didn’t do the same for ‘Lost in Translation’, something tells me this movie is fucked, especially after the late great ‘Harold Ramis’ passed away while it was still in production. Overall, I wanted Ghostbusters III and not some reboot.
Star Trek Beyond: AAAAUUUUUUUU!!!!! CAN’T STAND IT, I KNOW YOU PLANNED IT!!!
And those are the only lyrics to Beastie Boys’ Sabatoge I know. The trailer pissed trekkies off big time. Rather than show what the story was about through scenes of dialogue & a few action scenes, it was all a mismarketed trailer full of action scenes with the Beastie Boys song in the background that reminded people of that god awdul ‘Enterprise‘ show that aired on UPN. Also Simon Pegg spoke out that the trailer doesn’t accurately represent the film. I heard ‘Beyond Darkness’ sucked, I thoroughly enjoyed the first film. I don’t know, I’m more of a classic Trek guy, but I’m not at all motivated to see this film.
Ice Age: Collision Course: How many times are these fucking mammoths & dinosaurs going to avert death? Seriously, they’re all supposed to be dead. I forget which one I saw (The Meldown, I think) where I actually thought this was going to be the installment where all the animals die, especially that Queen Latifah Mammoth with her annoying as fuck monkey weasel children. I wanna see them all die in a kids movie & fill myself with laughter while the kids in the theater cry. I want to see this happen in my lifetime. This better be the movie to fulfill my wish. Either this or a Shrek sequel. Why isn’t Shrek getting sequels?
Lights Out: A woman is haunted by a creature that comes out at night.
There was already a movie like that, it was called ‘Darkness Falls’ & that one sucked too.
Studio execs are up in their high offices going, “Let’s make people scared of the dark again. Aren’t we original?” No bro, no.
Bourne 5: MURRRT DAAAAMON!!! Wait, where’s Tom Hardy?
The Space Between Us: It’s Romeo & Juliet, IN SPACE SPACE SPACE SPACE SPACE!!
Nothing new there, as long as they aren’t going to pull the words from the play & just slap it on the screenplay like they did with that 1996 movie. Visually great, but the fucking script was lazy because the scriptwriters just copied & pasted Shakespeare’s work.
Genius: Collin Firth in a period piece. You’re not even trying anymore. I’ve had it with period piece movies that are about sad people that are made as fapping material for pretentious elitist swine that enjoy this shit. “Oh look, that woman speaks French & wears 18th century garb, FOUR STAR REVIEW!!!”
The PBS period piece generation, they need to be eviscerated.
Suicide Squad: Okay okay okay. After the stupidity that was ‘Man of Steel’, I’m actually going to give this flick a chance.
I know, I promised myself I would give up the DC live action movies after Man of Steel & that horrendous as fuck ‘Green Lantern’ movie. This actually looks violent as hell, more violent than supposed R-Rated action films I’ve recently saw (Cough!!! ItwasactuallyagoodmoviebutnotasviolentasIwantedittobe,JohnWick Cough!!!).
The scene on the trailer that caught my attention was a POV shot of two pilots on a helicopter cockpit getting shot up. Finally, some good old fashioned carnage.
Despite that, I kept hearing that the movie was ‘Too hardcore’ for Will Smith & the cast that they had a psychiatrist on set. This is either a good old fashioned marketing gimmick like an ambulance outside the theater for a horror film screening, celebrities like Will Smith are just pussies, or the film is really pushing the limit. We’ll see.
Nine Lives: Kevin Spacey becomes a kitty cat. Hee hee hee hee heee heee heee hee A Talking Cat?!
Pete’s Dragon: Oh thank god, at first I thought the title said ‘Pete’s Penis’. Maybe that’s the title for the porn parody. Doesn’t matter if it’s a Disney film or a porno, I’m not interested.
Ben Hur: Aaaahhhhhggghhhuhhhhh! Nooooooo. You’re going to reboot an already over budgeted epic, just to make a movie that tries to act like an over budgeted epic. We already got ‘Gladiator’ & that film was alright, isn’t that enough? My problem is movies today are made with more money than Uganda and it doesn’t really show on screen. You’d think spending millions of dollars on CGI would look better than the transformers movies, but it doesn’t. Most of the cash is spent on these brand name celebrities & the movies look like PS3 cut scenes.
Sausage Party: Damn it!!!! I already wasted a perfectly good penis line on ‘Pete’s Dragon’. I should try harder for a different line. …………………Nope, can’t. (Points samurai sword to my own gut) I’ve failed you all.
Spectral: Remember that horrendous ‘RIPD’ movie? This sounds just like that movie, except I have no screenshots or trailer to see if it’s a carbon copy. Special Ops forces hunt down ghosts in New York. What the fuck. It’s ‘American Sniper’, but with ghosts. All ghosts are terrorists & worship sauce & bring suitcases to airports. Homeground Sakurity, protecting America from ghost terrorists, but instead they treat everyone like a ghost terrorist & if you’re pale enough, they’ll take you in for a surprise inspection.
Too harsh? Well, it’s satire.
Bad Moms: Whoah there, we got an edgy social commentary on moms. Nope, just a shitty movie that shows a bunch of selfish bitches neglecting their kids.
Yeah, comedy! I forgot, we live in that time & decade where messed up shit like child slavery & famine are funny! Yeah, this movie’s funny.
Hur hur hur, look at that woman shove her kid in the washing machine. YO GO GURRL!!! NO F8TE M8TE!!!
Kubo and the Two Strings: A kids’ movie that isn’t a comedy? An action adventure animated film for kids, FINALLY!
I know comedy for kids is universal & earns big bucks at the box office, but seriously, the children’s film genre should expand a little. With animation & the boundaries creative teams must stay in to make material kid friendly, it’s not only a playground to do anything you want, but it also makes writers & artists creative by hiding adult themes & jokes in very intelligent ways. So yes, I’m all for Fantasy, Drama, Horror & Adventure for the kids.
I’ll be on the lookout for this.
Arms & Dudes: TODD PHILLIPS SUX. Party at my house where we can sleep with whores & not catch aids. The only film of his I dug was ‘Old School’ because it came at that right time.
Max Steel: I remember in the early 2000’s when Kids WB had that CG animated series & I cared nothing about it, even though I was the target demographic for that cartoon. Well, I’ve yet to see a trailer, but the screenshots show me the sets aren’t really half assed & the suit is a real physical costume.
I’m not dreading it, but I’m not really psyched about it either. We’ll see till Warner Bros releases a trailer. I know there’s a reboot series on Cartoon Network, I was just reminded of it now. I’ll catch some episodes to see what it’s all about.
Sully: Spoiler Alert!!!! It was Canadian Geese all this time. Them syrup eating bastards, they were planning 9/11 x 100. Then Captain Sully jumps onto the wing of his airplane, shirtless with his fists ready as he shouts “Bring it on, WINGED FUCKERS!!!”
It’s a neat story, I highly recommend reading the biography.
Bridgette Jone’s Baby: Noooooo! Oh god nooo!!!! We all spent the early 2000’s defending our homes from Rene Zelewegger’s face & she’s come back to finish the job. Well, bring it on you crunchy faced bitch!!!
When The Bough Breaks: Remember that movie ‘Hand That Rocks The Cradle’ or that episode of Family Guy when Meg tries to be that wheelchair guy’s wife? This is it, they’re doing the same story, psycho bitches try so hard to ruin a marriage by killing the wife, seducing the father & breast feeding kids that isn’t even hers. What the hell HOLLYWOOD?! While you’re at it, make this original movie about a shark that terrorizes a coastal town & the guy with a boat says “We’re gonna need a smaller credit score, because I my Credit Karma score to look good.” Call it ‘Crazy Shark Mouth’.
What is it with the mainstream’s obsession with crazy bitches ruining families? Oh Ralph Bakshi’s original script treatment for ‘Cool World’ was too much for the film going public, but it’s alright to have another movie about some crazy bitch ruining a family. SMH everyone. SMH indeed.
Storks: In a world where genetics & intercourse don’t exist, storks bring adults a baby they didn‘t ask for. Anyway, it’s for the kids. Mom will get a laugh out of it, Pap will be busy watching some other movie, all the kids will get a laugh out of it & I’ll be minding my own business.
Deepwater Horizon: Remember that BP oil spill from six year ago? Wanna see a heavily dramaticized account of what the oil workers experienced that day? Yeah, me neither.
Can’t wait for the sequel ‘Above Sea Level’ about the petrol people that just came to ‘Porter Ranch’ and just plugged up the hole that caused people nearby to get sick and evacuate to hotels because California fucking sucks!!!
Too soon?
Besties: It’s about girls who don’t have testies that start getting angry at each other when they date each others brothers.
You ever seen those internet pictures where it show’s a confused girl’s face with the caption that says “When your friends comment on how cute your brother is.”
This is a movie for those people. I know my sisters won’t relate to this flick, because I’m an ugly motherfucker.
Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life: Wait till college GURRLLLFRIEND!!!
To all you Middle Schoolers, even you too High schoolers. All the shit you face off against now isn’t as horrible as it is in adult life. Quit being whiny little runts & deal with it. As you grow, you’ll wish it were middle school again.
Based off a ‘GHOSTWRITTEN’ novel by James Patterson. I’m not fucking kidding, James Patterson hires other writers to assemble one book. I’d be pissed, but at the same time those other writers he’s hired go on to have their own books on a bestseller list & get publishing deals just by writing for JP. So it’s a win win, James Patterson gets his cash from the book he ghostwrote & his co-writers get the hookup. Though I may not be a fan of the guy’s writing, I hope for a phone call from him sometime soon.
The Girl on the Train: It’s based off a book I see a bunch of white collar women holding, reading or buying at the local Target.
So a woman passes by a house in her drunk train rides (This is already sounding funny), thinking about what goes on in that house she‘s always transfixed by. Then one night she comes home all soaked in blood like Carrie & finds herself involved in a murder she doesn’t recall & it’s connected to that house.
I haven’t seen a trailer so I’m going by the synopsis & my imagination tells me it’s going to have this David Fincher look. I’m a little interested, but if the trailer looks like crap, forget it.
Underworld 5: Ah yes, the franchise that the people at ‘White Wolf Games’ sued over for sounding like their own ‘Vampire’ series of roleplaying games. Sadly, the case was dropped because the judge said there weren’t enough similarities to justify their case.
I tried getting into the first film, but it was too reminiscent of that schlock that are the Resident Evil movies,or any 2000‘s movie that used slow motion to act cool. I see both those franchises as “Hey, dat moovie deh metrix wuz kool. I gunnoh doo dat wit SLOUU MOSHION ‘N’ LEATHER ‘n’ shit techno music. LOOK AT MY WIFE Mila Jovovich, I‘M POUNDING THAT TONITE!!”
Underworld & Resident Evil happened in the 2000’s, it should have stayed there.
Kevin Hart: What Now?: They took the question out of my mouth, What now? Kevin Hart reminds me of that annoying short guy in High School who thinks he’s the love of everyone & tries to start fights for no reason & smiles like a crazy person while throwing punches. Think of a fighting leprechaun, except less funny & just scary.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back: Jack Reacher, the 99cent store version of Jason Bourne.
Ouija 2: This shit’s going to fail.
I’m not kidding, almost every critic & every ‘non-critical’ person who went to see the first one thought the movie was one of the most stupid movies they had sat through. I guess those people who bought tickets caused the movie studios to say “Hey, this movie made money. Let’s make a sequel to bring in more money.”
Sit back, watch the train wreck. I hope the screenwriters and directors do this drunk.
Boo! A Medea Halloween: Give it a rest, Tyler Perry. Year in, year out it’s Tyler Perry wearing a fat suit a la ‘Nutty Proffessor: The Klumps’ or making the worst dramas to exist.
Before anyone starts pulling the ‘You’re racist for not liking this movie’ comments. I have not seen his stage plays, but from what people tell me is that it’s starkly different from his films.
I also hear the comments of ‘Medea movies are racist’ coming from white critics. Seeing that is like seeing an adult cry over their kid who fell off a bike, yelling that his kid’s leg is broken while all he has is a minor scrape. (Majority of..) Black audiences like them, don’t know why but they sell apparently.
In my view, Tyler Perry films are also badly crafted in both a production & filmmaking way. You have a playwright who writes & shoots his films like plays, not knowing those two are starkly different mediums. I understand those plays of his got him out of the homeless stupor he was when he was a nobody. but he’s terrible at transitioning from funny to serious. One minute Medea’s farting & yelling about how she’s outrageous, then the next scene some woman’s talking about how she’s pregnant while her boyfriend is throwing a steroid tantrum & physically abusing said pregnant girlfriend. It’s tonal whiplash, like going to a high school graduation, then afterwards going to a funeral, then going home & watching ‘The Simpsons‘. Tyler Perry needs some lessons in smooth tonal transitions. He’s a great capitalist, he knows where the money’s at, but sucks at filmmaking.
Inferno: No, not a remake of the Dario Argento film, but a sequel to ‘The DaVinci Code’.
It’s 2016, no one cares. I don’t care. No more sequels, please.
People who believe that the DaVinci code is a real Vatican conspiracy are worse than these people who think ‘The Illiminati’ are real. They make these ‘Anti-vaxers’ people look like they have integrity.
The DaVinci Code does not exist, you know what does exist, Child Molesting Priests!!!!
Doctor Strange: I’m intrigued. Haven’t been reading a lot of Doc Strange, but I’m now just gaining interest in the character. Starring Benidict Cum Batch, Rachel Mac Adams Apple & Tilda, with a 12 year old starving boy’s body, Swinton. I’m not kidding, when I first saw her in the first ‘Narnia’ film, I thought she was a dude in drag. I was sitting there going “Disney hired a trans actress. Way to go, PROGRESS!!”
I was wrong, it was Tilda Swinton! I still wished she was shot in that movie ‘The Beach’. She was a real bitch in that movie.
Trolls: Directed by Claudio Fragasso.
Hey people, looks like we already got our sequel to ‘Troll 2’, hooray!
I’m kidding, it’s not a sequel to Troll 2, it’s a Dreamworks animated film based off the 90’s toys. I’m sure everyone my age had one sometime in their lifetime, I had one. Hell, Bart Simpson had one, even Bobby Hill from ‘King Of The Hill’ had one before Hank threw it away for what he calls ‘NUDITEH!’
What can I say about the film, it’s for the kids. Hopefully it takes me back to playing with my Troll at age 6.
Anyone besides me remember that horrendous ‘Trollz’ cartoon from the mid 2000’s that was like the antithesis to those slutty ‘Bratz’ cartoon? I hope it’s not like that again.
You can’t piss on hospitality, I won’t allow it!
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them: A spin-off of the first Harry Potter book. Yeah, we got dementors & griffins & Macklemore and shit.
Moana: Oh this is that movie everyone’s going nuts over. This reminds me of ‘Lilo & Stich’ without Stich. There are two screenshots, both of them concept art.
When I heard Dwayne Johnson was set to star, I thought he was going to voice the female character. Could you imagine?
Lately, Disney has been knocking it out of the park with animated features like ‘Frozen’ (Which I haven’t seen), ‘Big Hero 6’ (Which I’ve been trying like hell to find a copy of) and that one dinosaur movie. Disney has gone back to the way they were in the early 90’s with their animation.
Please, no ‘Max Keeble’s Big Move’ sequel, that shit was shit, like Smash Mouth. Let the anger flow 2000’s kids, I’ll think of much more things to insult that you liked.
Bad Santa 2: I’ve yet to see it, but almost everyone tells me it was great. At the time of its release I just passed it as some movie all the kids my age liked because “It has naughty words!”
I really need to see this sometime this Christmas.
The Great Wall: This is ‘47 Ronin’ again, isn’t it?
Starring Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe & a bunch of Chinese actors who won’t get top billing.
Seriously, Hollywood studios are so goddamn afraid of making a movie full of non American actors & actresses. The plot is about people defending the great wall of Kentucky. Yeah, The great wall of Kentucky, the only wall that could be seen from space. That may explain Matt Damon & Willem Dafoe.
Untitled Brad Pitt/ Robert Zemeckis Project: So it’s about some guy who falls in love with a French woman (Who wouldn’t) and the Nazis are after them because Nazis are fucking weeaboo shitsters.
What is it with once prosperous film directors working on political war thrillers? Seriously, last year you had Spielberg with ‘Bridge of Spies’, now Zemeckis is doing a war thriller. Make Science Fiction again!!!!
The Founder: Watch as a humble man starts a humble burger joint & evolves into this GMO monstrosity we know today. That’s right, this film is about Mc.Donalds. BaDaPaPaPaaa!!! I’M CRUSHIN IT!!
Seriously, at least it’s not another ‘Super Size Me’, thank got it’s not another one of those.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: What made Star Wars an event in most of our childhoods is now becoming a once a year quota for Disney.
They were released every three years in both the Original & the Prequel eras. Disney is pretty much doing Star Wars the way they’re going about the Marvel films. Every year will either be a Star Wars & three Marvel flicks, thus burning people out quicker & not stopping until some very major shit happens like another writer’s strike or a box office bomb they can’t survive.
Disney’s ruining Star Wars & so is social media. We all saw that fucking meme ‘Best anime death. HUR HUR HUR.’ Go fuck yourself. It’s one thing to start a conversation of the new star wars film & having people choose to participate or not. But taking advantage of the down scrolling, not cool you pieces of what should have been aborted.
This is why I’m all for pirating future Star Wars like they did with ‘Revenge of the Sith’.
Sorry everyone, it just infuriates me to see a beloved & special franchise succumb to some annual average movie where you pretty much know what‘s going to happen from a mile away. That’s what Star Wars is becoming. Future generations aren’t going to see Star Wars as that special franchise that changed film & changed the technical side of movie making. They’ll just see it as some movie that comes out every time they feel like it, just like the live action Resident Evil movies. Fuck you Disney, I hope Mickey Mouse dies & Walt Disney’s corpse gets defiled by an elephant! Especially for rewriting history & making it look like as if you guys were responsible for Star Wars. Star Wars is not a disney film!!!
Then again, I’m judging a movie for decisions the film itself didn‘t choose. For all I know I’m just jumping to conclusions & this Rogue One film will be the bees knees. Mayber it’s the spiritual adaptation to ‘Rogue Squadron’, hopefully it is.
Chicken Soup For The Soul: How the hell is this a moive?
From what I understand, those ‘Chicken Soup for the….Soul’ books are an anthology with inspirational stories, mostly religious stories. So are they going to go at it the same way a movie like ‘Twilight Zone: The Movie’ will went with it with different directors & writers taking the helm of specific stories, or is this going to be like that horrid movie ‘Valentines Day’ with a scattered mess of vingettes? The synopsis doesn’t help, it just says “Described as a story that will inspire, entertain & intrigue.”
I’m not intrigued or inspired.
Assassins Creed: EA’s going to make you spend 60 dollars on the movie ticket stub, then you have to shell out an extra 30 dollars just so you can see the rest of the movie or get exclusive DLC for the movie. Electronic Arts, AM I RIGHT?
And finally…
Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children: I’ve read the novel that it’s based off of. The book struck me as interesting because the writing is accompanied by strangely vintage photographs that were later re-touched. Ransom Riggs bought real vintage photographs from yard sales & flea markets to create the story & characters based on the photos. It’s a very creative approach to writing a story.
The story centers around a teen boy who’s grandfather was murdered by a Lovecraftian creature & finds out that the strange children from his grandpa’s photographs do exist in a time loop on an orphanage that is destroyed in the current world. It was an alright story for a young adult novel, but the ‘erhermmmGraphic Novel’ is a much more stronger than the novel in my opinion (To an extent).
(Review coming soon on ‘Elektronik Critik’….plug plug)
Let’s see, who’s adapting this marvellous story.
(Scrolls down to see director attached).
Tim Burton.
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>_< GGRRUYUAAUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking shit on a fucking biscuit!!!! No!!!! Noo!!!!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!! Oh god!!!!!!!! Please no!!!!!!!!!!
Of course this is going to be that movie that all the stereotypical goths will attend to at the theater.
Wait a minute, Goths? Oh yeah, I forgot, they don’t exist anymore. Goth kids became sadder, pretentious & morphed into Emos, but even Emos are dead. Who’s left? Internet trolls? Weebs, no. Um, child molestors, yeah, those assholes still exist.
Still, Tim Burton hasn’t made a good movie since 1996, case closed. After that Alice ‘n’ Wonderland, whatever the fuck I just saw in that movie, I’ve lost all my cred for him & I recently saw the ‘Planet Of The Apes’ remake he did, I thought this was a stage play for ‘The Phantom Menace’ with ape people.
That does it for the 2016 movies that may or may not be released. From here on out it is all movies that have been just announced, but they still need the OK for a release date & distribution.
Devil May Cry: Only played the first game & had no idea where to go in that first stage. May feature Dante from ‘Devil May Cry’ series.
The Veil: We wanted to make a movie based off the Heaven’s Gate cult from the 90‘s, but we’re too much of cowards so they’ll be called the ‘Heaven’s Veil cult.’ Hah, we’re so clever, no one will notice.
Robinson Crusoe: Because yes, we needed yet another adaptation of the book. This time it’s animated & it is looking for a distributor. ‘Glug glug’.
The Book Of Henry: Get a load of this synopsis. “The plot details are unknown- said to have kids, but it’s not a kids movie.”
hahahahahahahhhh!!!!!! There’s a movie called ‘Alive’, it’s said to have airplanes, but it’s not an airplane movie. Oh Movieinsider.com, you so stupid.
King Cobra: A movie about a murder that happened within the adult entertainment industry.
So a person died because of a benis? Hey, it’s plausible! Why else would a movie be called ‘King Cobra’. DEATH BENIS.
The Birth of a Nation: I’m sure all of you are wondering if it’s a remake of the movie from the 20’s that was a propoganda film for the Ku Klux Klan. It isn’t, instead it’s about a slave uprising.
Apparently this movie made everyone leave in tears at the Sundance Film Festival, as well as making studio speculators running for their phones to call their studio execs. This is one we might have to watch out for. Is it really intense as these Sundance attendees think it is? We’ll have to see. I’m intrigued
Killing Hasselhoff: The title is what you think it is. Hasselhoff gonna die!!!!
Believe it or not, it actually stars David Hasselhoff. I love it when celebrities have enough character to poke fun at themselves.
Not to stereotype, but this flick may or may not be a bomb in Germany.
And last but not least …
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie: I recently saw the fourth Season (or Series as it’s called across the ocean) & as long as ‘Bubble’ isn’t in the movie, we’re alright……(Scans through cast list: Bubble is in the film.) Nooooooo!!!!!!
As long as it’s Series.1 Bubble, we’re alright. I don’t know who was in charge of the BBC in that later season, but they changed Bubble, a competent character, into this womanchild who I wanted to punch soo fucking bad. Her voice was annoying, her fucked up outfits were visual torture & she provided nothing to the daily plot. She is the reason I listen to ASMR, because after sitting through a funny episode with horrible Bubble , I needed the audio therapy.
No date has been set and the film is still in production. All that is out there right now is one set photo of Saunders & Lumley in character and there’s talks that it will feature 100 LGBT actors/ actresess/ Actor-esses & plenty of cameos. It’s one of those films that’s been in ‘Development Hell’ for some years now, so of course it is a big deal.
NO BUBBLE NO BUBBLE NO BUBBLE BO NUBBLE!!!!!
We are done, we got some anger out of the way, some truth out of the way & after talking about Absolutely Fabulous, we got some fanboying out of the way and I bet most of you are now questioning my sexual orientation. No homo.
Livin’ la vida loca.
Thank you for sitting through this, we are done with the movies of 2016. We will do this next year, as well as every year from here on out & hopefully we won’t be banned by the internet by then.
Next week, I don’t think I’ll be talking about something as fun as movies. I’ll be getting back into the groove of things.
Until then, vote with your money & don’t support the TPP.
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In the past two entries I’ve been posting music from the ‘Evangelion’ sooundtrack & Jerry Goldsmith’s work on ‘Leviathan’ (A highly underrated deep sea horror film from 1989). To end it, here’s a song that just oozes of Exploitation film goodness!
But before I go on, there are two big movies I missed that I should have mentioned on the last installment because ‘movieinsider.com’ is slow on grabbing the news on new releases.
10 Cloverfield Lane: Looks like J.J Abrams managed to keep the production of this movie on the down low, which I commend. These past two years it was all “What’s the Star Wars people gonna look like? Will Darth Vader come back? What kind of Coffee is Carrie Fisher drinking on set?” I was sickened by it. Let the man work in secret, Jeezus H.R Puff ‘n’ Stuff man!
It looks like he’s going to take a horror Anthology approach to the sequel of what was a found footage, Kaiju film. This better not be like ‘Halloween III: Season of the Witch’ where people get all uppity that it’s not like the first film and that later warrants the studio to enforce the same clichéd crap the first film set up. I hope this movie is a success so that we can get Cloverfield films dealing in different aspects of the first film rather than rehash the same shaky cam Kaiju jizzm year after year until people stop seeing those films.
The Bothers Grimbsy: I heavily enjoyed ‘Borat’ when it was released. It was offensive as all hell, but it was also creative as this Shot on documentary look to it & played as this propoganda film for traveling to America. Then came ‘Bruno’ which I didn’t really enjoy as much, it was all gross out without the humor. Now here comes Sacha Baron Cohen in another R-rated comedy. It’s not trying to be Bruno or Borat, which sounds promising. It looks visually hilarious; tossing a prosthetic dog off the building, how twisted. I’ll wait, not really as motivated to see it, but it will be something I might enjoy when ‘Cinemax’ decides to air it.
And on with the list!
2016 Movies: Electric Boogaloo
Me Before You: To all my competent storytelling brothers & sisters, the main character‘s name will piss you off. “Louisa ‘Lou’ Clarke lives in a quaint town in the English countryside.”
I’m ignoring the fact that this is a romance film & it’s not a film made for me. Louisa Clarke! I admit I have to think extra hard for character names that don‘t sound like other peoples’ names when starting a new story. But really, Louisa Clarke? While you’re at it go call the next character ‘Lay Zee Boii’ or ‘Day Vee Crockett.’
Louisa Clarke, shit on a biscuit, LOUISIA CLARKE! Try harder next time.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows: Since the Ninja Turtles have gotten hip with the kids again, when the hell are we going to get a reboot of Turtles Tunes? God damn it, I want my ninja turtles singing songs in the fashion of ‘Kidz Bop’ with rock guitars & live action stage shows. I’m not joking. I just want a reason to shout out “NO TURTLES TUNES!!! NO TURTLES TUNES!!!!”
All the Cinemassacre fans will get that.
Corner4Real: Synopsis here ‘Set in the world of music’.
I would’ve never known, the title sounds like it’s about hookers that speak in text message speak.
Real helpful synopsis there & the sad part is it’s already in post production. This might be a total bomb, the title has the stench of a flop & I‘m now thinking of that early 2000‘s movie that was meant to propel Brittany Spears into acting. I hope to all hell this is a glorious train wreck of a movie & not just some movie that just pisses off fans. Are there fans of this Corner4Real thing? I hope not. The title also sounds like a shit production company that is hired to do freestyle dancing & choreography for people looking to be hip in their next high school auditorium performance.
Now You See Me 2: Oohhh, look at me, I’m a smarmy young person who knows CGI magic tricks & is stealing money from the big banks because as the execs in charge of this film think, “Young people hate banks. Oh hey guys, we’re cool, we hate banks too. It’s 2016, we can make fun of Obama & not sound like a racist Republican. I‘m a memer, LIKE A BAWSSSS!!!!”
Not a fan of the first film, why would I be a fan of the sequel?
Warcraft: Not a fan. I’ll give it this, it will be the time WoW fans will actually step outside their basement.
Finding Dory: Hahahahah YEAH!!!! It’s Pixar, this is already the best film of the summer. Keep on making cartoons Pixar. You guys are the reason why I smile.
Central Intelligence: Hahahahahah. Get it? Dwane Johnson is so big, but Kevin Hart is sooooooooo tiny.
This is pretty much that movie ‘Ride Along’, but instead of Ice Cube & the plot centering around cops, it stars The Rock & centers around both a wrestler & a midget comedian being government officials with guns & surveillance equipment. Hahahah, Government infringing people‘s privacy is kool! Yeah, the accuracy is on screen.
Remember when Warner Brothers used to be a beacon of quality? Now the only beacon of quality we see nowadays are those bootleg airbrushed shirts that say ‘Warn A Brother’.
Shut In: A mother discovers a horrible secret about her son. He owns ‘Blacktime E-Press’.
That’s right folks, this is a biography of how I started this joint & everyone in my family is ashamed of the fact………..Bahahahahahahah!!!! I’m just joshing all of you. No, the secret is the boy likes those animals that look like anime people. What’s it called? Oh yes, it’s called “JOHN CENA Doop doo too dooooo! Doop doo too voodoo!!!”
Independence Day: Resurgence: Remember in the original movie when the big ass alien spaceship blew up the white house, as well as the helicopter carrying the president’s wife? That was all done with a mix of miniature effects & very little CGI. Imagine the same shit done with tons of CGI that makes the X-Box 360’s graphics look like a masterpiece. ‘Sigh’, but I will give it a chance.
If this movie can outdo the size of the space ship, hopefully it can outdo that scene when Jeff Golblum & Will Smith launch a Windows 95 virus at the aliens spaceship with the ‘HUR HUR HUR’ laughing skull on their alien Windows XP computer screen. I’ve kinda grown a liking to the first movie in both a technical & Saturday afternoon viewing film.
Remember that scene when America destroys the alien spaceship & following that scene the president tells his compatriots to call the other countries to tell them how to destroy the alien ship. Then we cut to somewhere in Africa where stereotypical tribes people are running with spears & cheering as they stand in front of an exploding ship. It is implied that they destroyed the alien ship with spears because you don’t see military aircrafts flying away. I want that ending again!! I want the sequel to star the African tribesman with spears, it would please me.
The Legend of Tarzan: I grew up with the Disney Tarzan which had it’s typical musical numbers & line drawn animation, but at the same time they kept the pulpy adventure intact. The movie kicked ass, as well as the animated series that used to air on UPN every weekday morning!
This movie looks interesting, I’m not going to over hype it, we’ll just wait to see if it keeps any promise that the trailers have shown.
Tarzan looks like Tarzan & not some thin, overly sensitive pale guy like DC comics had turned ‘LOBO’ into.
So we’re on the good start. I’ve not yet seen ‘Greystoke Tarzan’ with French as fuck monkeyman Christopher Lambert; people have told me it sucks, but a French Tarzan sounds funny.
The Purge 3: Slow down people, I’ve yet to see the first two purge films.
So from what I can gather, the first one just took place on a house, the second one took place outside as people survive the purge, this new one looks like it’s going to go into wide scope of the politics of this society. This better not turn into the ‘Saw’ franchise where they try to sound all political & current by commenting on the medicare system, but ends up sucking and that whole satire part only accounted for a minor chunk of that film.
The BFG: Alright, kick fucking ass!!! Disney & Steven Spielberg have joined together to make a movie adaptation based off the gun from the ‘DOOM’ franchise. Hell yeah!!!
Can’t wait to see this tragic & uplifting story of the big fucking gun going on a cross country trip to find her missing bullets (The gun’s children) that the Space Marine has shot in all directions of the ‘Four Corners’ spot in Arizona.
Powerful & beautiful. Le arte du cinema es beautifale. If only Roger Ebert were alive to see this magnificent film. He would give it two thumbs up.
The Secret Life of Pets: A movie I have to say ‘It’s for the kids’, but for some reason people my age are going on about how this movie looks hilarious as fuck. I don’t see it, have I become jaded in kids films?
Ghostbusters: Now I’m not one to bitch about women taking over the role that was originally played by men, I’m making that clear. Why did they choose unfunny women? Noted, not all the choices for casting were bad, but really, Mellisa McCarthy? Of course, we need a funny fat girl to make that statement that humor’s not just for the thin while being the punch line of every fat joke in every film she’s headlined in! Then you got Kristen Wiig, a woman so unfunny she may as well shove her head in a cow’s ass to at least bring a chuckle. Oh look, Thor is a secretary. HUR HUR…..Wait a minuit, that’s actually funny. HAHAHAHAHAH, Strong man not supposed to do desk work. That’s aaaabsurdist humor.
If Bill Murray walked off set during the filming & didn’t do the same for ‘Lost in Translation’, something tells me this movie is fucked, especially after the late great ‘Harold Ramis’ passed away while it was still in production. Overall, I wanted Ghostbusters III and not some reboot.
Star Trek Beyond: AAAAUUUUUUUU!!!!! CAN’T STAND IT, I KNOW YOU PLANNED IT!!!
And those are the only lyrics to Beastie Boys’ Sabatoge I know. The trailer pissed trekkies off big time. Rather than show what the story was about through scenes of dialogue & a few action scenes, it was all a mismarketed trailer full of action scenes with the Beastie Boys song in the background that reminded people of that god awdul ‘Enterprise‘ show that aired on UPN. Also Simon Pegg spoke out that the trailer doesn’t accurately represent the film. I heard ‘Beyond Darkness’ sucked, I thoroughly enjoyed the first film. I don’t know, I’m more of a classic Trek guy, but I’m not at all motivated to see this film.
Ice Age: Collision Course: How many times are these fucking mammoths & dinosaurs going to avert death? Seriously, they’re all supposed to be dead. I forget which one I saw (The Meldown, I think) where I actually thought this was going to be the installment where all the animals die, especially that Queen Latifah Mammoth with her annoying as fuck monkey weasel children. I wanna see them all die in a kids movie & fill myself with laughter while the kids in the theater cry. I want to see this happen in my lifetime. This better be the movie to fulfill my wish. Either this or a Shrek sequel. Why isn’t Shrek getting sequels?
Lights Out: A woman is haunted by a creature that comes out at night.
There was already a movie like that, it was called ‘Darkness Falls’ & that one sucked too.
Studio execs are up in their high offices going, “Let’s make people scared of the dark again. Aren’t we original?” No bro, no.
Bourne 5: MURRRT DAAAAMON!!! Wait, where’s Tom Hardy?
The Space Between Us: It’s Romeo & Juliet, IN SPACE SPACE SPACE SPACE SPACE!!
Nothing new there, as long as they aren’t going to pull the words from the play & just slap it on the screenplay like they did with that 1996 movie. Visually great, but the fucking script was lazy because the scriptwriters just copied & pasted Shakespeare’s work.
Genius: Collin Firth in a period piece. You’re not even trying anymore. I’ve had it with period piece movies that are about sad people that are made as fapping material for pretentious elitist swine that enjoy this shit. “Oh look, that woman speaks French & wears 18th century garb, FOUR STAR REVIEW!!!”
The PBS period piece generation, they need to be eviscerated.
Suicide Squad: Okay okay okay. After the stupidity that was ‘Man of Steel’, I’m actually going to give this flick a chance.
I know, I promised myself I would give up the DC live action movies after Man of Steel & that horrendous as fuck ‘Green Lantern’ movie. This actually looks violent as hell, more violent than supposed R-Rated action films I’ve recently saw (Cough!!! ItwasactuallyagoodmoviebutnotasviolentasIwantedittobe,JohnWick Cough!!!).
The scene on the trailer that caught my attention was a POV shot of two pilots on a helicopter cockpit getting shot up. Finally, some good old fashioned carnage.
Despite that, I kept hearing that the movie was ‘Too hardcore’ for Will Smith & the cast that they had a psychiatrist on set. This is either a good old fashioned marketing gimmick like an ambulance outside the theater for a horror film screening, celebrities like Will Smith are just pussies, or the film is really pushing the limit. We’ll see.
Nine Lives: Kevin Spacey becomes a kitty cat. Hee hee hee hee heee heee heee hee A Talking Cat?!
Pete’s Dragon: Oh thank god, at first I thought the title said ‘Pete’s Penis’. Maybe that’s the title for the porn parody. Doesn’t matter if it’s a Disney film or a porno, I’m not interested.
Ben Hur: Aaaahhhhhggghhhuhhhhh! Nooooooo. You’re going to reboot an already over budgeted epic, just to make a movie that tries to act like an over budgeted epic. We already got ‘Gladiator’ & that film was alright, isn’t that enough? My problem is movies today are made with more money than Uganda and it doesn’t really show on screen. You’d think spending millions of dollars on CGI would look better than the transformers movies, but it doesn’t. Most of the cash is spent on these brand name celebrities & the movies look like PS3 cut scenes.
Sausage Party: Damn it!!!! I already wasted a perfectly good penis line on ‘Pete’s Dragon’. I should try harder for a different line. …………………Nope, can’t. (Points samurai sword to my own gut) I’ve failed you all.
Spectral: Remember that horrendous ‘RIPD’ movie? This sounds just like that movie, except I have no screenshots or trailer to see if it’s a carbon copy. Special Ops forces hunt down ghosts in New York. What the fuck. It’s ‘American Sniper’, but with ghosts. All ghosts are terrorists & worship sauce & bring suitcases to airports. Homeground Sakurity, protecting America from ghost terrorists, but instead they treat everyone like a ghost terrorist & if you’re pale enough, they’ll take you in for a surprise inspection.
Too harsh? Well, it’s satire.
Bad Moms: Whoah there, we got an edgy social commentary on moms. Nope, just a shitty movie that shows a bunch of selfish bitches neglecting their kids.
Yeah, comedy! I forgot, we live in that time & decade where messed up shit like child slavery & famine are funny! Yeah, this movie’s funny.
Hur hur hur, look at that woman shove her kid in the washing machine. YO GO GURRL!!! NO F8TE M8TE!!!
Kubo and the Two Strings: A kids’ movie that isn’t a comedy? An action adventure animated film for kids, FINALLY!
I know comedy for kids is universal & earns big bucks at the box office, but seriously, the children’s film genre should expand a little. With animation & the boundaries creative teams must stay in to make material kid friendly, it’s not only a playground to do anything you want, but it also makes writers & artists creative by hiding adult themes & jokes in very intelligent ways. So yes, I’m all for Fantasy, Drama, Horror & Adventure for the kids.
I’ll be on the lookout for this.
Arms & Dudes: TODD PHILLIPS SUX. Party at my house where we can sleep with whores & not catch aids. The only film of his I dug was ‘Old School’ because it came at that right time.
Max Steel: I remember in the early 2000’s when Kids WB had that CG animated series & I cared nothing about it, even though I was the target demographic for that cartoon. Well, I’ve yet to see a trailer, but the screenshots show me the sets aren’t really half assed & the suit is a real physical costume.
I’m not dreading it, but I’m not really psyched about it either. We’ll see till Warner Bros releases a trailer. I know there’s a reboot series on Cartoon Network, I was just reminded of it now. I’ll catch some episodes to see what it’s all about.
Sully: Spoiler Alert!!!! It was Canadian Geese all this time. Them syrup eating bastards, they were planning 9/11 x 100. Then Captain Sully jumps onto the wing of his airplane, shirtless with his fists ready as he shouts “Bring it on, WINGED FUCKERS!!!”
It’s a neat story, I highly recommend reading the biography.
Bridgette Jone’s Baby: Noooooo! Oh god nooo!!!! We all spent the early 2000’s defending our homes from Rene Zelewegger’s face & she’s come back to finish the job. Well, bring it on you crunchy faced bitch!!!
When The Bough Breaks: Remember that movie ‘Hand That Rocks The Cradle’ or that episode of Family Guy when Meg tries to be that wheelchair guy’s wife? This is it, they’re doing the same story, psycho bitches try so hard to ruin a marriage by killing the wife, seducing the father & breast feeding kids that isn’t even hers. What the hell HOLLYWOOD?! While you’re at it, make this original movie about a shark that terrorizes a coastal town & the guy with a boat says “We’re gonna need a smaller credit score, because I my Credit Karma score to look good.” Call it ‘Crazy Shark Mouth’.
What is it with the mainstream’s obsession with crazy bitches ruining families? Oh Ralph Bakshi’s original script treatment for ‘Cool World’ was too much for the film going public, but it’s alright to have another movie about some crazy bitch ruining a family. SMH everyone. SMH indeed.
Storks: In a world where genetics & intercourse don’t exist, storks bring adults a baby they didn‘t ask for. Anyway, it’s for the kids. Mom will get a laugh out of it, Pap will be busy watching some other movie, all the kids will get a laugh out of it & I’ll be minding my own business.
Deepwater Horizon: Remember that BP oil spill from six year ago? Wanna see a heavily dramaticized account of what the oil workers experienced that day? Yeah, me neither.
Can’t wait for the sequel ‘Above Sea Level’ about the petrol people that just came to ‘Porter Ranch’ and just plugged up the hole that caused people nearby to get sick and evacuate to hotels because California fucking sucks!!!
Too soon?
Besties: It’s about girls who don’t have testies that start getting angry at each other when they date each others brothers.
You ever seen those internet pictures where it show’s a confused girl’s face with the caption that says “When your friends comment on how cute your brother is.”
This is a movie for those people. I know my sisters won’t relate to this flick, because I’m an ugly motherfucker.
Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life: Wait till college GURRLLLFRIEND!!!
To all you Middle Schoolers, even you too High schoolers. All the shit you face off against now isn’t as horrible as it is in adult life. Quit being whiny little runts & deal with it. As you grow, you’ll wish it were middle school again.
Based off a ‘GHOSTWRITTEN’ novel by James Patterson. I’m not fucking kidding, James Patterson hires other writers to assemble one book. I’d be pissed, but at the same time those other writers he’s hired go on to have their own books on a bestseller list & get publishing deals just by writing for JP. So it’s a win win, James Patterson gets his cash from the book he ghostwrote & his co-writers get the hookup. Though I may not be a fan of the guy’s writing, I hope for a phone call from him sometime soon.
The Girl on the Train: It’s based off a book I see a bunch of white collar women holding, reading or buying at the local Target.
So a woman passes by a house in her drunk train rides (This is already sounding funny), thinking about what goes on in that house she‘s always transfixed by. Then one night she comes home all soaked in blood like Carrie & finds herself involved in a murder she doesn’t recall & it’s connected to that house.
I haven’t seen a trailer so I’m going by the synopsis & my imagination tells me it’s going to have this David Fincher look. I’m a little interested, but if the trailer looks like crap, forget it.
Underworld 5: Ah yes, the franchise that the people at ‘White Wolf Games’ sued over for sounding like their own ‘Vampire’ series of roleplaying games. Sadly, the case was dropped because the judge said there weren’t enough similarities to justify their case.
I tried getting into the first film, but it was too reminiscent of that schlock that are the Resident Evil movies,or any 2000‘s movie that used slow motion to act cool. I see both those franchises as “Hey, dat moovie deh metrix wuz kool. I gunnoh doo dat wit SLOUU MOSHION ‘N’ LEATHER ‘n’ shit techno music. LOOK AT MY WIFE Mila Jovovich, I‘M POUNDING THAT TONITE!!”
Underworld & Resident Evil happened in the 2000’s, it should have stayed there.
Kevin Hart: What Now?: They took the question out of my mouth, What now? Kevin Hart reminds me of that annoying short guy in High School who thinks he’s the love of everyone & tries to start fights for no reason & smiles like a crazy person while throwing punches. Think of a fighting leprechaun, except less funny & just scary.
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back: Jack Reacher, the 99cent store version of Jason Bourne.
Ouija 2: This shit’s going to fail.
I’m not kidding, almost every critic & every ‘non-critical’ person who went to see the first one thought the movie was one of the most stupid movies they had sat through. I guess those people who bought tickets caused the movie studios to say “Hey, this movie made money. Let’s make a sequel to bring in more money.”
Sit back, watch the train wreck. I hope the screenwriters and directors do this drunk.
Boo! A Medea Halloween: Give it a rest, Tyler Perry. Year in, year out it’s Tyler Perry wearing a fat suit a la ‘Nutty Proffessor: The Klumps’ or making the worst dramas to exist.
Before anyone starts pulling the ‘You’re racist for not liking this movie’ comments. I have not seen his stage plays, but from what people tell me is that it’s starkly different from his films.
I also hear the comments of ‘Medea movies are racist’ coming from white critics. Seeing that is like seeing an adult cry over their kid who fell off a bike, yelling that his kid’s leg is broken while all he has is a minor scrape. (Majority of..) Black audiences like them, don’t know why but they sell apparently.
In my view, Tyler Perry films are also badly crafted in both a production & filmmaking way. You have a playwright who writes & shoots his films like plays, not knowing those two are starkly different mediums. I understand those plays of his got him out of the homeless stupor he was when he was a nobody. but he’s terrible at transitioning from funny to serious. One minute Medea’s farting & yelling about how she’s outrageous, then the next scene some woman’s talking about how she’s pregnant while her boyfriend is throwing a steroid tantrum & physically abusing said pregnant girlfriend. It’s tonal whiplash, like going to a high school graduation, then afterwards going to a funeral, then going home & watching ‘The Simpsons‘. Tyler Perry needs some lessons in smooth tonal transitions. He’s a great capitalist, he knows where the money’s at, but sucks at filmmaking.
Inferno: No, not a remake of the Dario Argento film, but a sequel to ‘The DaVinci Code’.
It’s 2016, no one cares. I don’t care. No more sequels, please.
People who believe that the DaVinci code is a real Vatican conspiracy are worse than these people who think ‘The Illiminati’ are real. They make these ‘Anti-vaxers’ people look like they have integrity.
The DaVinci Code does not exist, you know what does exist, Child Molesting Priests!!!!
Doctor Strange: I’m intrigued. Haven’t been reading a lot of Doc Strange, but I’m now just gaining interest in the character. Starring Benidict Cum Batch, Rachel Mac Adams Apple & Tilda, with a 12 year old starving boy’s body, Swinton. I’m not kidding, when I first saw her in the first ‘Narnia’ film, I thought she was a dude in drag. I was sitting there going “Disney hired a trans actress. Way to go, PROGRESS!!”
I was wrong, it was Tilda Swinton! I still wished she was shot in that movie ‘The Beach’. She was a real bitch in that movie.
Trolls: Directed by Claudio Fragasso.
Hey people, looks like we already got our sequel to ‘Troll 2’, hooray!
I’m kidding, it’s not a sequel to Troll 2, it’s a Dreamworks animated film based off the 90’s toys. I’m sure everyone my age had one sometime in their lifetime, I had one. Hell, Bart Simpson had one, even Bobby Hill from ‘King Of The Hill’ had one before Hank threw it away for what he calls ‘NUDITEH!’
What can I say about the film, it’s for the kids. Hopefully it takes me back to playing with my Troll at age 6.
Anyone besides me remember that horrendous ‘Trollz’ cartoon from the mid 2000’s that was like the antithesis to those slutty ‘Bratz’ cartoon? I hope it’s not like that again.
You can’t piss on hospitality, I won’t allow it!
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them: A spin-off of the first Harry Potter book. Yeah, we got dementors & griffins & Macklemore and shit.
Moana: Oh this is that movie everyone’s going nuts over. This reminds me of ‘Lilo & Stich’ without Stich. There are two screenshots, both of them concept art.
When I heard Dwayne Johnson was set to star, I thought he was going to voice the female character. Could you imagine?
Lately, Disney has been knocking it out of the park with animated features like ‘Frozen’ (Which I haven’t seen), ‘Big Hero 6’ (Which I’ve been trying like hell to find a copy of) and that one dinosaur movie. Disney has gone back to the way they were in the early 90’s with their animation.
Please, no ‘Max Keeble’s Big Move’ sequel, that shit was shit, like Smash Mouth. Let the anger flow 2000’s kids, I’ll think of much more things to insult that you liked.
Bad Santa 2: I’ve yet to see it, but almost everyone tells me it was great. At the time of its release I just passed it as some movie all the kids my age liked because “It has naughty words!”
I really need to see this sometime this Christmas.
The Great Wall: This is ‘47 Ronin’ again, isn’t it?
Starring Matt Damon, Willem Dafoe & a bunch of Chinese actors who won’t get top billing.
Seriously, Hollywood studios are so goddamn afraid of making a movie full of non American actors & actresses. The plot is about people defending the great wall of Kentucky. Yeah, The great wall of Kentucky, the only wall that could be seen from space. That may explain Matt Damon & Willem Dafoe.
Untitled Brad Pitt/ Robert Zemeckis Project: So it’s about some guy who falls in love with a French woman (Who wouldn’t) and the Nazis are after them because Nazis are fucking weeaboo shitsters.
What is it with once prosperous film directors working on political war thrillers? Seriously, last year you had Spielberg with ‘Bridge of Spies’, now Zemeckis is doing a war thriller. Make Science Fiction again!!!!
The Founder: Watch as a humble man starts a humble burger joint & evolves into this GMO monstrosity we know today. That’s right, this film is about Mc.Donalds. BaDaPaPaPaaa!!! I’M CRUSHIN IT!!
Seriously, at least it’s not another ‘Super Size Me’, thank got it’s not another one of those.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: What made Star Wars an event in most of our childhoods is now becoming a once a year quota for Disney.
They were released every three years in both the Original & the Prequel eras. Disney is pretty much doing Star Wars the way they’re going about the Marvel films. Every year will either be a Star Wars & three Marvel flicks, thus burning people out quicker & not stopping until some very major shit happens like another writer’s strike or a box office bomb they can’t survive.
Disney’s ruining Star Wars & so is social media. We all saw that fucking meme ‘Best anime death. HUR HUR HUR.’ Go fuck yourself. It’s one thing to start a conversation of the new star wars film & having people choose to participate or not. But taking advantage of the down scrolling, not cool you pieces of what should have been aborted.
This is why I’m all for pirating future Star Wars like they did with ‘Revenge of the Sith’.
Sorry everyone, it just infuriates me to see a beloved & special franchise succumb to some annual average movie where you pretty much know what‘s going to happen from a mile away. That’s what Star Wars is becoming. Future generations aren’t going to see Star Wars as that special franchise that changed film & changed the technical side of movie making. They’ll just see it as some movie that comes out every time they feel like it, just like the live action Resident Evil movies. Fuck you Disney, I hope Mickey Mouse dies & Walt Disney’s corpse gets defiled by an elephant! Especially for rewriting history & making it look like as if you guys were responsible for Star Wars. Star Wars is not a disney film!!!
Then again, I’m judging a movie for decisions the film itself didn‘t choose. For all I know I’m just jumping to conclusions & this Rogue One film will be the bees knees. Mayber it’s the spiritual adaptation to ‘Rogue Squadron’, hopefully it is.
Chicken Soup For The Soul: How the hell is this a moive?
From what I understand, those ‘Chicken Soup for the….Soul’ books are an anthology with inspirational stories, mostly religious stories. So are they going to go at it the same way a movie like ‘Twilight Zone: The Movie’ will went with it with different directors & writers taking the helm of specific stories, or is this going to be like that horrid movie ‘Valentines Day’ with a scattered mess of vingettes? The synopsis doesn’t help, it just says “Described as a story that will inspire, entertain & intrigue.”
I’m not intrigued or inspired.
Assassins Creed: EA’s going to make you spend 60 dollars on the movie ticket stub, then you have to shell out an extra 30 dollars just so you can see the rest of the movie or get exclusive DLC for the movie. Electronic Arts, AM I RIGHT?
And finally…
Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children: I’ve read the novel that it’s based off of. The book struck me as interesting because the writing is accompanied by strangely vintage photographs that were later re-touched. Ransom Riggs bought real vintage photographs from yard sales & flea markets to create the story & characters based on the photos. It’s a very creative approach to writing a story.
The story centers around a teen boy who’s grandfather was murdered by a Lovecraftian creature & finds out that the strange children from his grandpa’s photographs do exist in a time loop on an orphanage that is destroyed in the current world. It was an alright story for a young adult novel, but the ‘erhermmmGraphic Novel’ is a much more stronger than the novel in my opinion (To an extent).
(Review coming soon on ‘Elektronik Critik’….plug plug)
Let’s see, who’s adapting this marvellous story.
(Scrolls down to see director attached).
Tim Burton.
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>_< GGRRUYUAAUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fucking shit on a fucking biscuit!!!! No!!!! Noo!!!!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!! Oh god!!!!!!!! Please no!!!!!!!!!!
Of course this is going to be that movie that all the stereotypical goths will attend to at the theater.
Wait a minute, Goths? Oh yeah, I forgot, they don’t exist anymore. Goth kids became sadder, pretentious & morphed into Emos, but even Emos are dead. Who’s left? Internet trolls? Weebs, no. Um, child molestors, yeah, those assholes still exist.
Still, Tim Burton hasn’t made a good movie since 1996, case closed. After that Alice ‘n’ Wonderland, whatever the fuck I just saw in that movie, I’ve lost all my cred for him & I recently saw the ‘Planet Of The Apes’ remake he did, I thought this was a stage play for ‘The Phantom Menace’ with ape people.
That does it for the 2016 movies that may or may not be released. From here on out it is all movies that have been just announced, but they still need the OK for a release date & distribution.
Devil May Cry: Only played the first game & had no idea where to go in that first stage. May feature Dante from ‘Devil May Cry’ series.
The Veil: We wanted to make a movie based off the Heaven’s Gate cult from the 90‘s, but we’re too much of cowards so they’ll be called the ‘Heaven’s Veil cult.’ Hah, we’re so clever, no one will notice.
Robinson Crusoe: Because yes, we needed yet another adaptation of the book. This time it’s animated & it is looking for a distributor. ‘Glug glug’.
The Book Of Henry: Get a load of this synopsis. “The plot details are unknown- said to have kids, but it’s not a kids movie.”
hahahahahahahhhh!!!!!! There’s a movie called ‘Alive’, it’s said to have airplanes, but it’s not an airplane movie. Oh Movieinsider.com, you so stupid.
King Cobra: A movie about a murder that happened within the adult entertainment industry.
So a person died because of a benis? Hey, it’s plausible! Why else would a movie be called ‘King Cobra’. DEATH BENIS.
The Birth of a Nation: I’m sure all of you are wondering if it’s a remake of the movie from the 20’s that was a propoganda film for the Ku Klux Klan. It isn’t, instead it’s about a slave uprising.
Apparently this movie made everyone leave in tears at the Sundance Film Festival, as well as making studio speculators running for their phones to call their studio execs. This is one we might have to watch out for. Is it really intense as these Sundance attendees think it is? We’ll have to see. I’m intrigued
Killing Hasselhoff: The title is what you think it is. Hasselhoff gonna die!!!!
Believe it or not, it actually stars David Hasselhoff. I love it when celebrities have enough character to poke fun at themselves.
Not to stereotype, but this flick may or may not be a bomb in Germany.
And last but not least …
Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie: I recently saw the fourth Season (or Series as it’s called across the ocean) & as long as ‘Bubble’ isn’t in the movie, we’re alright……(Scans through cast list: Bubble is in the film.) Nooooooo!!!!!!
As long as it’s Series.1 Bubble, we’re alright. I don’t know who was in charge of the BBC in that later season, but they changed Bubble, a competent character, into this womanchild who I wanted to punch soo fucking bad. Her voice was annoying, her fucked up outfits were visual torture & she provided nothing to the daily plot. She is the reason I listen to ASMR, because after sitting through a funny episode with horrible Bubble , I needed the audio therapy.
No date has been set and the film is still in production. All that is out there right now is one set photo of Saunders & Lumley in character and there’s talks that it will feature 100 LGBT actors/ actresess/ Actor-esses & plenty of cameos. It’s one of those films that’s been in ‘Development Hell’ for some years now, so of course it is a big deal.
NO BUBBLE NO BUBBLE NO BUBBLE BO NUBBLE!!!!!
We are done, we got some anger out of the way, some truth out of the way & after talking about Absolutely Fabulous, we got some fanboying out of the way and I bet most of you are now questioning my sexual orientation. No homo.
Livin’ la vida loca.
Thank you for sitting through this, we are done with the movies of 2016. We will do this next year, as well as every year from here on out & hopefully we won’t be banned by the internet by then.
Next week, I don’t think I’ll be talking about something as fun as movies. I’ll be getting back into the groove of things.
Until then, vote with your money & don’t support the TPP.
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In the past two entries I’ve been posting music from the ‘Evangelion’ sooundtrack & Jerry Goldsmith’s work on ‘Leviathan’ (A highly underrated deep sea horror film from 1989). To end it, here’s a song that just oozes of Exploitation film goodness!